Stress?
I suspect if we listen to ourselves, our family members and our work mates we frequently hear the words stress or stressful. A few minutes ago, I was reading an email from a friend which said, “Today I start out and deal with many stresses in my business and my life.” What makes a situation or relationship stressful? What are we meaning to convey to ourselves and others when we use that term?
Oxford Dictionary defines stress as:
I am particularly interested in the second definition because that is how I believe we often use the term. I suspect that we might experience less “mental or emotional” stress if we used the first definition.
Often many of us exert pressure on ourselves by telling ourselves
I am sure all of us could add to this list. My point is that I have observed for myself and others that when I exert pressure on myself or accept pressure others are putting on me I tense up, begin to feel overwhelmed and run the risk of not doing a task well because very little of my focus and energy is available for the task at hand. I “know” that I only have to do my best for today. There are days that I am not able to complete a task because some other task is more important or I do not have the mental or physical energy to do it. For example, I wanted to complete this blog yesterday but was unable to do so. The goal was a self-imposed goal and, thus, easily open to change.
It may be that the task is one imposed by a direct or indirect boss such as a customer. I may at times need to tell my boss that I am unable to complete a task I had previously said that I could. If the boss is not okay with the new target date than I may need to look for another job or customer. I know that I am willing to take on job other than the one I am licensed to do. I existed prior to this license and will continue to exist and even to thrive even if I have to take another job at less pay.
Not everyone has to love or approve of me. I once had a supervisor who said something I heard as negative and which many do consider negative. I began to tense up and put pressure on myself as I proceeded to verbally beat myself up. Later I came to terms with the fact that she was correct and that the characteristic to which she referred was one in which I took pride even though some label it as negative. Today I am pleased with whom I am as a work in progress. As folks in the 12-step program are often heard to say, “progress and not perfection.”
I am not fragile. I do not have to lie and avoid sharing my decisions, thoughts or feelings with another. I may, at times, tell a person I am not ready to discuss an issue but that I will at such and such time. Obviously, I do not have to tell everyone every detail of my life but I also do not need to lie when doing so violates a core value in the relationship.
I do, of course, have to live with the consequences of my decisions some of which may not have been consistent with my long-term goals and values. This does not have to be a big deal when it means I have to now sacrifice other goals, wants or desires.
We have all known that person who seems very skilled at trusting that all they have to do is their best for today. They seem to have a secret way of accepting themselves and life as it is today. They are always going to focus on problem solving rather than tensing up and worrying about what they did or did not do in the past. They are not cavalier about past mistakes especially if they adversely affected others, but they know that it is safe to relax and move forward.
I am certainly not suggesting that we can or want to lead a stress-free life. I am suggesting that we can accept that stress is almost always -perhaps always – an internal factor which I have the power to change. I cannot change the past or what others are doing or not doing. I can change my response and the extent to which I accept the invitation to the drama being extended by another person.
Written January 18, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
I suspect if we listen to ourselves, our family members and our work mates we frequently hear the words stress or stressful. A few minutes ago, I was reading an email from a friend which said, “Today I start out and deal with many stresses in my business and my life.” What makes a situation or relationship stressful? What are we meaning to convey to ourselves and others when we use that term?
Oxford Dictionary defines stress as:
- Pressure or tension exerted on a material object.
- State of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or demanding circumstances.
- Physiological disturbance or damage caused to an organism by adverse circumstances.
- Emphasis given to a particular syllable or word in speech,…
I am particularly interested in the second definition because that is how I believe we often use the term. I suspect that we might experience less “mental or emotional” stress if we used the first definition.
Often many of us exert pressure on ourselves by telling ourselves
- We have to complete a task perfectly.
- That it will be a crisis if we are not able to fix a person or a situation.
- That we have to please a boss, friend, partner, or child.
- That we can avoid unpleasant discussions if we lie – overtly or covertly – but then are fearful that the lie will be discovered.
- That we are not lovable as the humans that we are.
- That we can spend money which is not in the budget and depend on no unexpected expenses.
I am sure all of us could add to this list. My point is that I have observed for myself and others that when I exert pressure on myself or accept pressure others are putting on me I tense up, begin to feel overwhelmed and run the risk of not doing a task well because very little of my focus and energy is available for the task at hand. I “know” that I only have to do my best for today. There are days that I am not able to complete a task because some other task is more important or I do not have the mental or physical energy to do it. For example, I wanted to complete this blog yesterday but was unable to do so. The goal was a self-imposed goal and, thus, easily open to change.
It may be that the task is one imposed by a direct or indirect boss such as a customer. I may at times need to tell my boss that I am unable to complete a task I had previously said that I could. If the boss is not okay with the new target date than I may need to look for another job or customer. I know that I am willing to take on job other than the one I am licensed to do. I existed prior to this license and will continue to exist and even to thrive even if I have to take another job at less pay.
Not everyone has to love or approve of me. I once had a supervisor who said something I heard as negative and which many do consider negative. I began to tense up and put pressure on myself as I proceeded to verbally beat myself up. Later I came to terms with the fact that she was correct and that the characteristic to which she referred was one in which I took pride even though some label it as negative. Today I am pleased with whom I am as a work in progress. As folks in the 12-step program are often heard to say, “progress and not perfection.”
I am not fragile. I do not have to lie and avoid sharing my decisions, thoughts or feelings with another. I may, at times, tell a person I am not ready to discuss an issue but that I will at such and such time. Obviously, I do not have to tell everyone every detail of my life but I also do not need to lie when doing so violates a core value in the relationship.
I do, of course, have to live with the consequences of my decisions some of which may not have been consistent with my long-term goals and values. This does not have to be a big deal when it means I have to now sacrifice other goals, wants or desires.
We have all known that person who seems very skilled at trusting that all they have to do is their best for today. They seem to have a secret way of accepting themselves and life as it is today. They are always going to focus on problem solving rather than tensing up and worrying about what they did or did not do in the past. They are not cavalier about past mistakes especially if they adversely affected others, but they know that it is safe to relax and move forward.
I am certainly not suggesting that we can or want to lead a stress-free life. I am suggesting that we can accept that stress is almost always -perhaps always – an internal factor which I have the power to change. I cannot change the past or what others are doing or not doing. I can change my response and the extent to which I accept the invitation to the drama being extended by another person.
Written January 18, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
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