Sunday Musings - April 26k 2020
Life on life’s terms
Most who know me are aware that I frequently work for/with those individuals and families who are struggling with addiction to alcohol, drugs, sex, power and other people, places and things. Often addictive behavior begins with a desire to avoid being with ourselves. Few of us have learned what Stephen Batchelor has entitled his book, The Art of Solitude. Those using a 12 step program or some other contemplative program to reclaim themselves and, thus will be told they have to learn to face life on life’s terms. They will also be told that if they want to have a healthy relationship with others they must first have a healthy relationship with themselves. Many arriving at recovery’s doorstep, have spent a lifetimes avoiding being alone with their emotions and thoughts. Their experience is that when they attempt to be alone with themselves they are alone with self -doubt, fear, all the criticisms and hurtful acts, mistakes and slights they have experienced to date. This lovely man with whom I was sitting and speaking the other day told me about the 45 plus years of shame and guilt which has haunted him; about the voices he has needed to silence with alcohol and other drugs. When he was by himself he was never alone; he never experienced solitude. He brought with him the legion of those who had told him in word and deed that he was not worth loving; that he was merely an object to be used and discarded. He did not know how to access the emotional and ethical intelligence or perhaps how to trust what Stephen Batchelor calls our emotional and intellectual intelligence. I am fascinated by the fact this very same man could tell his child or even another adult that they are not responsible for the abuse of someone else; they cannot cause other person to behave in a certain manner; the person who is abused needs loved and protected. That very same voice would say to a person who has been abused, “You stumbled on a way of taking care of yourself which worked temporarily for a time even if it did result in behavior which brought new layers of shame and guilt.” My experience is that most of us, although not all of us, have access to this wise part of our voice. That part of our brain knows that it is safe to be with that hurt person and to do what Pema Chodron calls “holding them in the cradle of loving kindness”.
When we cannot access that wise voice for ourselves we never get to experience solitude. We experience loneliness. Dealing with life on life’s terms in this time of sheltering in place because of covid-19 means, for many depression, loneliness, fear and shame.
Stephen Batchelor when talking about the art of solitude talks about “refining our ethical intelligence. It has to do with refining our capacity to see where our impulses are coming from, to what extent these impulses are just driven by conditioning and habit and fear, and to what extent we can somehow open up a nonreactive space within us from which we can respond to the world – respond to our own needs, too – but in a way that’s not driven by familiar habit patterns, which are often rooted in attachment and fear and other things. So solitude, the practice of solitude, is the practice of creating an inward autonomy without ourselves, an inward freedom from the power of these overwhelming thoughts and emotions.”
Solitude then become that ability to be with us as we were before we learned shame, fear and to take on the issues of others. As we let go of these lies about us and our worth; as we accept our own humanness and the fact that we have done the best we could with the tools in our spiritual, emotional and intellectual tool boxes we are free to embrace ourselves.
The paradox is, as Mr. Batchelor and many others have reminded us, once we can be just with ourselves and not all those other critical voices – we are able to be with others without anger, shame, or fear.
We are able to deal with life on life’s terms. The move from fear and loneliness to solitude is often a painful, rocky one but one which can lead to a joyful and contented peace with oneself and the world.
Written April 26, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
Life on life’s terms
Most who know me are aware that I frequently work for/with those individuals and families who are struggling with addiction to alcohol, drugs, sex, power and other people, places and things. Often addictive behavior begins with a desire to avoid being with ourselves. Few of us have learned what Stephen Batchelor has entitled his book, The Art of Solitude. Those using a 12 step program or some other contemplative program to reclaim themselves and, thus will be told they have to learn to face life on life’s terms. They will also be told that if they want to have a healthy relationship with others they must first have a healthy relationship with themselves. Many arriving at recovery’s doorstep, have spent a lifetimes avoiding being alone with their emotions and thoughts. Their experience is that when they attempt to be alone with themselves they are alone with self -doubt, fear, all the criticisms and hurtful acts, mistakes and slights they have experienced to date. This lovely man with whom I was sitting and speaking the other day told me about the 45 plus years of shame and guilt which has haunted him; about the voices he has needed to silence with alcohol and other drugs. When he was by himself he was never alone; he never experienced solitude. He brought with him the legion of those who had told him in word and deed that he was not worth loving; that he was merely an object to be used and discarded. He did not know how to access the emotional and ethical intelligence or perhaps how to trust what Stephen Batchelor calls our emotional and intellectual intelligence. I am fascinated by the fact this very same man could tell his child or even another adult that they are not responsible for the abuse of someone else; they cannot cause other person to behave in a certain manner; the person who is abused needs loved and protected. That very same voice would say to a person who has been abused, “You stumbled on a way of taking care of yourself which worked temporarily for a time even if it did result in behavior which brought new layers of shame and guilt.” My experience is that most of us, although not all of us, have access to this wise part of our voice. That part of our brain knows that it is safe to be with that hurt person and to do what Pema Chodron calls “holding them in the cradle of loving kindness”.
When we cannot access that wise voice for ourselves we never get to experience solitude. We experience loneliness. Dealing with life on life’s terms in this time of sheltering in place because of covid-19 means, for many depression, loneliness, fear and shame.
Stephen Batchelor when talking about the art of solitude talks about “refining our ethical intelligence. It has to do with refining our capacity to see where our impulses are coming from, to what extent these impulses are just driven by conditioning and habit and fear, and to what extent we can somehow open up a nonreactive space within us from which we can respond to the world – respond to our own needs, too – but in a way that’s not driven by familiar habit patterns, which are often rooted in attachment and fear and other things. So solitude, the practice of solitude, is the practice of creating an inward autonomy without ourselves, an inward freedom from the power of these overwhelming thoughts and emotions.”
Solitude then become that ability to be with us as we were before we learned shame, fear and to take on the issues of others. As we let go of these lies about us and our worth; as we accept our own humanness and the fact that we have done the best we could with the tools in our spiritual, emotional and intellectual tool boxes we are free to embrace ourselves.
The paradox is, as Mr. Batchelor and many others have reminded us, once we can be just with ourselves and not all those other critical voices – we are able to be with others without anger, shame, or fear.
We are able to deal with life on life’s terms. The move from fear and loneliness to solitude is often a painful, rocky one but one which can lead to a joyful and contented peace with oneself and the world.
Written April 26, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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