Sunday Musings – August 11, 2019
Loving you until you can love yourself
It is a beautiful morning here in Northern West Virginia. Here in my privileged, protected corner of the world it is easy to feel loved and cared for. That was not always the case. I was not always able to override negative messages about my self worth and accept that it is was not only okay to be at peace with my humanness but to love myself. Until I was able to do that many other people including some of the elders who raised me and a host of mentors who followed in their footsteps extended the unconditional love I craved.
All my readers know that I often recommend the use of the 12-step program for those who are ready to let go 0f a life of active addiction. I know that this program is not for everyone but I do believe that, as is true for the best of many religions, we have much to learn from the 12-step program. One of the practices and traditions of that program is loving the newcomer to recovery until they can learn to love themselves. Actually, the members keep loving each other and the new comer even after they have learned to love themselves. As was practiced by Jesus and other spiritual teachers those in the program do not require a background check or an excel spread sheet of all one’s “sins”(ways they have hurt themselves and others) before they extend a loving welcome. The only requirement to stop using is the desire to find a new way to live or a desire to stop the insanity. Since the program is composed of humans many of whom are very intelligent there are many interpretations of what constitutes loving behavior. Some of the recovering members take great pride in letting others know they honor the decisions of those who do not or cannot stay in recovery. Some proudly announce they do not “chase” those they sponsor. Some use words such as codependence to describe the behavior of those who go to the homes of people to check on those who may be struggling.
Fortunately it is not my place to judge the various interpretations of “loving someone until they can learn to love themselves and then keep loving them”. I can only decide for myself what today seems the most loving. Even though I am not a 12-step member, as a counselor/therapist/coach I work for/with a lot of individuals living with or recovering from active addictions to alcohol, other drugs, power, sex, money, things, food or something else outside of oneself. I know what it is like to not love oneself. I know the power of others believing in me when I did not believe in myself. There is a long list of such angels in my life, many of whom are deceased. Many others may be living and I, sadly, did not always do what I needed to do to maintain contact. Yet, I know that that in spite of my sins of omission and commission; in spite of not yet being the best person I can be and yet knowing I am not the person I was yesterday. I am worth loving.
In my nearly 50 years of working for/with other humans I have yet to meet a person who was not worth loving; a person who failed the entrance exam for being worthy of love. As far as I can tell and despite moments of anger Jesus did not give anyone such a flunking grade. As far as I can tell the Buddha never posted a list of those who failed and flunked the entrance exam for love.
Many who are not able to love themselves cannot openly accept the love of another. Many will push away that love; sometimes with violence. No matter. When one cannot love themselves one often cannot allow the love of another to touch them. We keep loving even while getting conflicting advice about what constitutes co-dependence, chasing another or not respecting the decisions of others. Today my personal belief is that I need to keep reaching out to others – to that mirror of who I was and can still be – without any attachments to outcome or any expectations. I will attempt to keep it simple which for this human is not always easy.
Written August 11, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
Loving you until you can love yourself
It is a beautiful morning here in Northern West Virginia. Here in my privileged, protected corner of the world it is easy to feel loved and cared for. That was not always the case. I was not always able to override negative messages about my self worth and accept that it is was not only okay to be at peace with my humanness but to love myself. Until I was able to do that many other people including some of the elders who raised me and a host of mentors who followed in their footsteps extended the unconditional love I craved.
All my readers know that I often recommend the use of the 12-step program for those who are ready to let go 0f a life of active addiction. I know that this program is not for everyone but I do believe that, as is true for the best of many religions, we have much to learn from the 12-step program. One of the practices and traditions of that program is loving the newcomer to recovery until they can learn to love themselves. Actually, the members keep loving each other and the new comer even after they have learned to love themselves. As was practiced by Jesus and other spiritual teachers those in the program do not require a background check or an excel spread sheet of all one’s “sins”(ways they have hurt themselves and others) before they extend a loving welcome. The only requirement to stop using is the desire to find a new way to live or a desire to stop the insanity. Since the program is composed of humans many of whom are very intelligent there are many interpretations of what constitutes loving behavior. Some of the recovering members take great pride in letting others know they honor the decisions of those who do not or cannot stay in recovery. Some proudly announce they do not “chase” those they sponsor. Some use words such as codependence to describe the behavior of those who go to the homes of people to check on those who may be struggling.
Fortunately it is not my place to judge the various interpretations of “loving someone until they can learn to love themselves and then keep loving them”. I can only decide for myself what today seems the most loving. Even though I am not a 12-step member, as a counselor/therapist/coach I work for/with a lot of individuals living with or recovering from active addictions to alcohol, other drugs, power, sex, money, things, food or something else outside of oneself. I know what it is like to not love oneself. I know the power of others believing in me when I did not believe in myself. There is a long list of such angels in my life, many of whom are deceased. Many others may be living and I, sadly, did not always do what I needed to do to maintain contact. Yet, I know that that in spite of my sins of omission and commission; in spite of not yet being the best person I can be and yet knowing I am not the person I was yesterday. I am worth loving.
In my nearly 50 years of working for/with other humans I have yet to meet a person who was not worth loving; a person who failed the entrance exam for being worthy of love. As far as I can tell and despite moments of anger Jesus did not give anyone such a flunking grade. As far as I can tell the Buddha never posted a list of those who failed and flunked the entrance exam for love.
Many who are not able to love themselves cannot openly accept the love of another. Many will push away that love; sometimes with violence. No matter. When one cannot love themselves one often cannot allow the love of another to touch them. We keep loving even while getting conflicting advice about what constitutes co-dependence, chasing another or not respecting the decisions of others. Today my personal belief is that I need to keep reaching out to others – to that mirror of who I was and can still be – without any attachments to outcome or any expectations. I will attempt to keep it simple which for this human is not always easy.
Written August 11, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
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