Sunday Musings - December 4, 2022
A very personal story.
On December 4, 1970, Jamie Hugh Pickett, the son of myself and Beverly Jean French Pickett, was born in Princeton, New Jersey. Naturally he was the most perfect child to ever be born. Sadly, he was born into a marriage relationship which was ready to implode. I was in graduate school and working. His mother was also working carrying the bulk of the financial burden. She helped to support me while I finished undergraduate school and three years of graduate school. Her needs and desires were unfairly on hold. She wanted to be a full-time mom and wife.
Although we obviously had a sexual relationship which resulted in our son being conceived the emotional needs of neither of us were being met. To me it seemed as if all my attempts to embrace life and our marriage were met with her negativity. Only later would I be able to admit that my dishonesty with myself about myself kept me from being the partner I sincerely wanted to be or to become. Beverly, of course, brought her own history and issues into the marriage. We both did the best we then knew how. There were moments when we seemed to set aside the elephants in the room and just enjoy each other.
I will never know if Beverly deliberately stopped taking birth control in hopes that a pregnancy and becoming parents would resolve the marriage issues. She was thrilled when she discovered her pregnancy and deeply wounded when I was not excited. I did want to be a parent but not until we were more settled and financially stable. I also believed we first needed to resolve our marriage issues. Still, when Jamie was born, I became hopeful we could restart the marriage.
Not surprisingly the birth of our son did not heal our marriage. The situation was complicated when following his birth, a combination of factors triggered the onset of Beverly’s severe depression which would later be diagnosed as a bipolar depression. Our son would eventually be diagnosed with the same illness.
I graduated the following May, was ordained and began to look for a “call” to a church ministry. In the meantime, we both worked half time and shared parenting. I had stupidly not anticipated that my anti-war activities might make it difficult for me to be called by a church. Eventually I was “called” to pastor a church in a village in Alaska which involved a move which further isolated and depressed Beverly. Once again, her needs were on hold.
When the marriage ended Beverly insisted on taking Jamie to live in Pittsburgh where she had been raised. At that time there were no laws guaranteeing any rights to fathers. I agreed to stay in Alaska, get the divorce, pay off bills and then move closer to Pittsburgh or wherever she decided to live with our son.
Although I made efforts to be a good part time father it always felt as if Jamie was her son and not our son. I was never able to get the legal system to grant me parenting rights. As Jamie continued to age, he wanted to stay with his mother although he seemed too often enjoy being with me and my friends. Once into adulthood we would seemingly, at times, be close and then he would suddenly cut himself off from me.
I would like to say that I always accepted his decisions and did not take his behavior personally. I would like to say that he knew how hard I tried to be a good father. In good times he refused to communicate any resentments or ill feelings. Other times, he assured me that he had never loved me but expected me to help him financially. Now he expects and wants neither emotional nor financial support from me. On June 8, 2020, in an email he announced: “After much discussion w/therapists, etc. I have decided I no longer wish to have any contact with you….” Needless to say, I was extremely sad and questioned what I could have done differently. I can come up with a long list of moments when I could have acted differently. I can chide myself for abandoning he and his mother when I felt unable to cope with the marriage issues. Other than letting him know I am sorry for all the times I failed him, or he felt I failed him there is little I can do except love him unconditionally and be here if and when he is ready to reconnect.
I am now cognizant of the number of children who have disowned their parent or parents.
As a person with a Christian and a Buddhist framework I believe our main job as parents - as a person - is to love unconditionally as best we can and to not become attached to the outcome. Sounds simple and easy, but of course., it is not simple or easy. None of us are The Buddha or Jesus. We take behavior personally even when reminding ourselves we are powerless over the behavior and response of others. We are responsible for being accountable and making amends when possible and appropriate. Although I believe we are intended to take care of each other – to always be a village - no one, including and especially our children, exist to meet our needs
“Happy birthday Jamie. I am here loving you the best I know how. Dad”
Written December 4, 2022
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
A very personal story.
On December 4, 1970, Jamie Hugh Pickett, the son of myself and Beverly Jean French Pickett, was born in Princeton, New Jersey. Naturally he was the most perfect child to ever be born. Sadly, he was born into a marriage relationship which was ready to implode. I was in graduate school and working. His mother was also working carrying the bulk of the financial burden. She helped to support me while I finished undergraduate school and three years of graduate school. Her needs and desires were unfairly on hold. She wanted to be a full-time mom and wife.
Although we obviously had a sexual relationship which resulted in our son being conceived the emotional needs of neither of us were being met. To me it seemed as if all my attempts to embrace life and our marriage were met with her negativity. Only later would I be able to admit that my dishonesty with myself about myself kept me from being the partner I sincerely wanted to be or to become. Beverly, of course, brought her own history and issues into the marriage. We both did the best we then knew how. There were moments when we seemed to set aside the elephants in the room and just enjoy each other.
I will never know if Beverly deliberately stopped taking birth control in hopes that a pregnancy and becoming parents would resolve the marriage issues. She was thrilled when she discovered her pregnancy and deeply wounded when I was not excited. I did want to be a parent but not until we were more settled and financially stable. I also believed we first needed to resolve our marriage issues. Still, when Jamie was born, I became hopeful we could restart the marriage.
Not surprisingly the birth of our son did not heal our marriage. The situation was complicated when following his birth, a combination of factors triggered the onset of Beverly’s severe depression which would later be diagnosed as a bipolar depression. Our son would eventually be diagnosed with the same illness.
I graduated the following May, was ordained and began to look for a “call” to a church ministry. In the meantime, we both worked half time and shared parenting. I had stupidly not anticipated that my anti-war activities might make it difficult for me to be called by a church. Eventually I was “called” to pastor a church in a village in Alaska which involved a move which further isolated and depressed Beverly. Once again, her needs were on hold.
When the marriage ended Beverly insisted on taking Jamie to live in Pittsburgh where she had been raised. At that time there were no laws guaranteeing any rights to fathers. I agreed to stay in Alaska, get the divorce, pay off bills and then move closer to Pittsburgh or wherever she decided to live with our son.
Although I made efforts to be a good part time father it always felt as if Jamie was her son and not our son. I was never able to get the legal system to grant me parenting rights. As Jamie continued to age, he wanted to stay with his mother although he seemed too often enjoy being with me and my friends. Once into adulthood we would seemingly, at times, be close and then he would suddenly cut himself off from me.
I would like to say that I always accepted his decisions and did not take his behavior personally. I would like to say that he knew how hard I tried to be a good father. In good times he refused to communicate any resentments or ill feelings. Other times, he assured me that he had never loved me but expected me to help him financially. Now he expects and wants neither emotional nor financial support from me. On June 8, 2020, in an email he announced: “After much discussion w/therapists, etc. I have decided I no longer wish to have any contact with you….” Needless to say, I was extremely sad and questioned what I could have done differently. I can come up with a long list of moments when I could have acted differently. I can chide myself for abandoning he and his mother when I felt unable to cope with the marriage issues. Other than letting him know I am sorry for all the times I failed him, or he felt I failed him there is little I can do except love him unconditionally and be here if and when he is ready to reconnect.
I am now cognizant of the number of children who have disowned their parent or parents.
As a person with a Christian and a Buddhist framework I believe our main job as parents - as a person - is to love unconditionally as best we can and to not become attached to the outcome. Sounds simple and easy, but of course., it is not simple or easy. None of us are The Buddha or Jesus. We take behavior personally even when reminding ourselves we are powerless over the behavior and response of others. We are responsible for being accountable and making amends when possible and appropriate. Although I believe we are intended to take care of each other – to always be a village - no one, including and especially our children, exist to meet our needs
“Happy birthday Jamie. I am here loving you the best I know how. Dad”
Written December 4, 2022
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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