Sunday Musings – December 6, 2020
Parenting has been dominant in my thoughts and my heart this week. I have talked with many parents who are mourning the loss of their children due to addiction or other mental illness. Additionally I have talked to parents whose children are living in a domestic violent situations. There are also us parents whose children are choosing to not have any relationship with us. My own son who just had his 50th birthday on Friday has made that later choice. He chooses not to tell me what prompted this most recent decision although I am well aware of past decisions including the divorce from his mother which deeply affected his childhood.
Even though I had not planned to have a child, once my wife and I became pregnant I determined I would be the best possible parent. This desire is true for most of us. Even if we did not have the little house with a white pickett fence and all the emotional and financial resources of The Brady Bunch, Leave it to Beaver or some other movie in our head., we “knew” that we did not want to repeat the mistakes of our parents or any of “those other parents”. We probably begin parenthood with the delusion that baring natural disasters, we were in charge of the set design and the script for our family.
Within days of bringing a child home from the hospital we became aware of just how powerless we were. Occasionally we were able to halt the discomfort of our child by feeding him or her, by changing a diaper, or by rocking them to sleep. At times, taking them for a midnight ride in the car would seem to lull them to sleep. Often, however, we were reminded that many forces, including their decisions, were beyond our control. Many of us had or were coming to terms with the fact that we were also powerless over our spouse, our co-workers, and our friends. They all made independent decisions even when we knew what they “should do”. If we were lucky we had or would soon own the fact we also continued to make independent decisions regardless of the best advice of parents, mentors, teachers, favorite wise aunts or uncles or even that wise inner voice.
At some point we may have made semi peace with the seemingly conflicting truths of the six degrees of separation which reminds one that every action affects the entire universe and life happens no matter what we do. Many of us may have “heard” which did not mean we “heard” that the only power we have in this life journey is acceptance (1) of our humanness and that of others, (2) the fact we gain power by accepting powerlessness and (3) the fact that the most important power is unconditional love . Unconditional love demands that we let go of conditions and expectations for our love. We honor the journey of others, including our children, no matter what. We may set some boundaries - access to our bank account or even to our homes - but we do so with love and without judgments. No matter what we love. This does mean we allow an active addict who is violent into our homes. This does not mean we keep incurring debt or accept abuse, but it does mean that we never lose sight of the fact that (1) we are powerless (2) we are never in a position to judge (we cannot live in the mind of the other person) and (3)the behavior of others is not about us. This later point is essential. Even when the behavior is directed at us we are not causing a person to act in a certain way. We may or may not have reinforced the unhealthy behavior in the past but we are not responsible for the choices of our children and others we love.
Once again I am reminded of Bigger Thomas in Richard Wright’s Native Son when we says to the police who are threatening him, “You can’t do nothin except kill me and that aint’s nothin.” Just as we cannot control or determine the behavior of another, no one can stop us from loving unconditionally - no matter what.
Written December 6, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
Parenting has been dominant in my thoughts and my heart this week. I have talked with many parents who are mourning the loss of their children due to addiction or other mental illness. Additionally I have talked to parents whose children are living in a domestic violent situations. There are also us parents whose children are choosing to not have any relationship with us. My own son who just had his 50th birthday on Friday has made that later choice. He chooses not to tell me what prompted this most recent decision although I am well aware of past decisions including the divorce from his mother which deeply affected his childhood.
Even though I had not planned to have a child, once my wife and I became pregnant I determined I would be the best possible parent. This desire is true for most of us. Even if we did not have the little house with a white pickett fence and all the emotional and financial resources of The Brady Bunch, Leave it to Beaver or some other movie in our head., we “knew” that we did not want to repeat the mistakes of our parents or any of “those other parents”. We probably begin parenthood with the delusion that baring natural disasters, we were in charge of the set design and the script for our family.
Within days of bringing a child home from the hospital we became aware of just how powerless we were. Occasionally we were able to halt the discomfort of our child by feeding him or her, by changing a diaper, or by rocking them to sleep. At times, taking them for a midnight ride in the car would seem to lull them to sleep. Often, however, we were reminded that many forces, including their decisions, were beyond our control. Many of us had or were coming to terms with the fact that we were also powerless over our spouse, our co-workers, and our friends. They all made independent decisions even when we knew what they “should do”. If we were lucky we had or would soon own the fact we also continued to make independent decisions regardless of the best advice of parents, mentors, teachers, favorite wise aunts or uncles or even that wise inner voice.
At some point we may have made semi peace with the seemingly conflicting truths of the six degrees of separation which reminds one that every action affects the entire universe and life happens no matter what we do. Many of us may have “heard” which did not mean we “heard” that the only power we have in this life journey is acceptance (1) of our humanness and that of others, (2) the fact we gain power by accepting powerlessness and (3) the fact that the most important power is unconditional love . Unconditional love demands that we let go of conditions and expectations for our love. We honor the journey of others, including our children, no matter what. We may set some boundaries - access to our bank account or even to our homes - but we do so with love and without judgments. No matter what we love. This does mean we allow an active addict who is violent into our homes. This does not mean we keep incurring debt or accept abuse, but it does mean that we never lose sight of the fact that (1) we are powerless (2) we are never in a position to judge (we cannot live in the mind of the other person) and (3)the behavior of others is not about us. This later point is essential. Even when the behavior is directed at us we are not causing a person to act in a certain way. We may or may not have reinforced the unhealthy behavior in the past but we are not responsible for the choices of our children and others we love.
Once again I am reminded of Bigger Thomas in Richard Wright’s Native Son when we says to the police who are threatening him, “You can’t do nothin except kill me and that aint’s nothin.” Just as we cannot control or determine the behavior of another, no one can stop us from loving unconditionally - no matter what.
Written December 6, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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