Sunday Musings – December 9. 2018
In the 1960ies I was living in the Washington, D.C. area and at this time of the year in 1964 I was preparing for my marriage. I was excited and nervous, but was sure that the marriage would ensure my contentment and bring much joy for the rest of my life or at least most of it. It did bring much joy and eventually the birth of our son Jamie who is a bright, delightful man of whom we are both very proud. Little did we know that the marriage and subsequent events would also provide the opportunity for emotional and spiritual growth. Even at 24, what could I possibly have known about what it meant to be an emotionally and spiritually healthy person? Not much, although I had no idea of the depth of my ignorance and of the emotional baggage I had already collected for 24 years.
Of course, it would be wonderful if all of us sorted through all of our emotional baggage and got rid of the garbage prior to making a commitment to build a life with another person. Yet it is often the struggles within a relationship which eventually can lead to one being forced to face oneself as one really is and not as the person who fresh with the glow of love and costumed to look young, and innocent is prepared to tackle life on life’s terms. There were many joyful moments. On the outside with the good china, sparkling crystal, and a luxury (so it seemed) apartment furnished to show off our privileged status we appeared to be “moving on up”. Of course, the mere fact that it had electricity, running water, indoor plumbing and all the other luxuries which were absent during much of my childhood made it seem like a palace. On the inside, we also unpacked the garbage and the gifts we had brought with us. We did all the right things according to our Caucasian, sexist, racist upbringing. I worked and went to school and she was the dutiful wife who worked so we could jointly prepare for me to be the breadwinner and her to keep the home fires burning. I was clueless about so much. She was less so in some ways but equally so in other ways.
Many years later – 54 years – we have been divorced many more years than we were married. We both survived and somehow our son survived the many intervening years. All three of us have grown and are probably healthier than we have a right to be. Emotional and spiritual growth did not come easy for me, our son or his mother. Certainly, as a male, I had no clue at age 24 I needed to spend much time unpacking the suitcases filled with emotional and spiritual “truths” which needed to be examined in the light of honestly, open mindedness and willingness. That process continues step by step and day by day.
On this second Sunday of Advent in the Christian Church I am still learning what it might mean to be a person who happens to be male who happens to have a Christian religious framework. I am still leaning what it means to walk the talk; what it means to be a loving, non-violent presence who strives to practice the teachings of Jesus. I am learning what it might mean to let go of the social constructs such as race, manhood, and even Christianity.
In my mind’s eye I see the church in which we were married - the National Presbyterian Church which was then in downtown D.C. – decorated in poinsettias and fresh cut greens, the gold wedding dress of my beautiful bride and the solemnity of the ministers who would officiate along with friends, her family and my cousin Roger and his wife. In my heart I see a step towards growth; a step which was necessary but not sufficient.
All of my life has been such necessary steps, none of which are ever sufficient.
Today I will celebrate the steps while letting go of the attachment to the illusion of sufficiency.
Written December 9, 2018
In the 1960ies I was living in the Washington, D.C. area and at this time of the year in 1964 I was preparing for my marriage. I was excited and nervous, but was sure that the marriage would ensure my contentment and bring much joy for the rest of my life or at least most of it. It did bring much joy and eventually the birth of our son Jamie who is a bright, delightful man of whom we are both very proud. Little did we know that the marriage and subsequent events would also provide the opportunity for emotional and spiritual growth. Even at 24, what could I possibly have known about what it meant to be an emotionally and spiritually healthy person? Not much, although I had no idea of the depth of my ignorance and of the emotional baggage I had already collected for 24 years.
Of course, it would be wonderful if all of us sorted through all of our emotional baggage and got rid of the garbage prior to making a commitment to build a life with another person. Yet it is often the struggles within a relationship which eventually can lead to one being forced to face oneself as one really is and not as the person who fresh with the glow of love and costumed to look young, and innocent is prepared to tackle life on life’s terms. There were many joyful moments. On the outside with the good china, sparkling crystal, and a luxury (so it seemed) apartment furnished to show off our privileged status we appeared to be “moving on up”. Of course, the mere fact that it had electricity, running water, indoor plumbing and all the other luxuries which were absent during much of my childhood made it seem like a palace. On the inside, we also unpacked the garbage and the gifts we had brought with us. We did all the right things according to our Caucasian, sexist, racist upbringing. I worked and went to school and she was the dutiful wife who worked so we could jointly prepare for me to be the breadwinner and her to keep the home fires burning. I was clueless about so much. She was less so in some ways but equally so in other ways.
Many years later – 54 years – we have been divorced many more years than we were married. We both survived and somehow our son survived the many intervening years. All three of us have grown and are probably healthier than we have a right to be. Emotional and spiritual growth did not come easy for me, our son or his mother. Certainly, as a male, I had no clue at age 24 I needed to spend much time unpacking the suitcases filled with emotional and spiritual “truths” which needed to be examined in the light of honestly, open mindedness and willingness. That process continues step by step and day by day.
On this second Sunday of Advent in the Christian Church I am still learning what it might mean to be a person who happens to be male who happens to have a Christian religious framework. I am still leaning what it means to walk the talk; what it means to be a loving, non-violent presence who strives to practice the teachings of Jesus. I am learning what it might mean to let go of the social constructs such as race, manhood, and even Christianity.
In my mind’s eye I see the church in which we were married - the National Presbyterian Church which was then in downtown D.C. – decorated in poinsettias and fresh cut greens, the gold wedding dress of my beautiful bride and the solemnity of the ministers who would officiate along with friends, her family and my cousin Roger and his wife. In my heart I see a step towards growth; a step which was necessary but not sufficient.
All of my life has been such necessary steps, none of which are ever sufficient.
Today I will celebrate the steps while letting go of the attachment to the illusion of sufficiency.
Written December 9, 2018
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