Sunday Musings - June 19, 2021
Father’s Day
Juneteenth
For a brief time I lived and worked in the Alaska village of Hoonah, Alaska, a Tlinglit Indian village. When I, my wife and my young son arrived in Hoonah we were greeted by David and Minnie, who were revered elders in the community. They said to us, “Your son has no grandparents here. We will be his grandparents. You, young man, are too young (I was then 31.) to know what it means to be a man. You will come and sit with me every day while I carve and teach you. For the relatively brief and somewhat tumultuous time we were in Hoonah David and Minnie filled the role of grandparents to our son and parents to us. Sadly, their wise parenting/mentoring was not enough of a salve to an already broken marriage.
Our adopted parents David and Minnie could not fix our marriage or prevent the pain of a divorce and a rupture in the friendship which had preceded the marriage or the father son relationship. They also could not heal my wife’s mental health or know that I needed to come to terms with my sexual orientation. They could and did love us unconditionally and stand by us.
My fear of dealing with my sexual orientation certainly affected my ability to be lovingly present in the marriage. My wife’s fear, sense of abandonment and betrayal never allowed us to work as co-parents. It seemed in her mind Jamie was her son and not ours. There was seemingly little I could do to claim the role of father as I had envisioned it. That was and is the pain with which I must live. I have attempted to make amends for my part of that dynamic.
Making amends after admitting the mistakes one has made- admitting the hurt one has caused - is certainly the first step towards healing. One is able to do this if one has been willing to let go of one’s attachment to the story one has written; the story one thinks should happen. A common family story we adopt is that of the nuclear family with one mother, one father, and x children living independent of a wider community. For various reasons that is seldom the case. Even if two parents and children occupy the same physical address all might not be present emotionally or even physically. One might or might not have the requisite patenting skills, time or energy to be teacher, provider, and nurturer. Two parents never have all the child(ren) need.
When I was a child our parents had a very harsh life and were not always present emotionally and/or physically. Others were able to provide many of the pieces our biological parents did not have to give. Aunt Pleasie, Uncle Harold, Grandma Fannie, Mr. and Mrs Stice and a host of other relatives and neighbors knew parenting was a village responsibility. Later, when my wife, son and I arrived in Hoonah David and Minnie took over. Today I am still blessed with many wise elders who continue my education and who “have my back” emotionally, spiritually and even physically.
It is my responsibility to stand ready to be an elder/parent to all who need unconditional love and, perhaps, a teaching story or two. It is my hope and prayers that others stand ready to give my son the parent/elder pieces he needs but is unable to receive from me. We are a village. It is important to let go of the attachment to the belief that all we need and want come from the sperm and egg donors.
Happy Father’s Day to all the elders who share the blessings - alongside the female elders - of raising our children. Each elder including the biological father and mother may offer a piece of what our children need. We need to let go of the delusion that the only parents we celebrate and blame are the sperm and egg donors. We are all important members of a much larger family.
Happy Father’s Day to all the loving, teaching male elders.
Written June 19, 2022
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
Father’s Day
Juneteenth
For a brief time I lived and worked in the Alaska village of Hoonah, Alaska, a Tlinglit Indian village. When I, my wife and my young son arrived in Hoonah we were greeted by David and Minnie, who were revered elders in the community. They said to us, “Your son has no grandparents here. We will be his grandparents. You, young man, are too young (I was then 31.) to know what it means to be a man. You will come and sit with me every day while I carve and teach you. For the relatively brief and somewhat tumultuous time we were in Hoonah David and Minnie filled the role of grandparents to our son and parents to us. Sadly, their wise parenting/mentoring was not enough of a salve to an already broken marriage.
Our adopted parents David and Minnie could not fix our marriage or prevent the pain of a divorce and a rupture in the friendship which had preceded the marriage or the father son relationship. They also could not heal my wife’s mental health or know that I needed to come to terms with my sexual orientation. They could and did love us unconditionally and stand by us.
My fear of dealing with my sexual orientation certainly affected my ability to be lovingly present in the marriage. My wife’s fear, sense of abandonment and betrayal never allowed us to work as co-parents. It seemed in her mind Jamie was her son and not ours. There was seemingly little I could do to claim the role of father as I had envisioned it. That was and is the pain with which I must live. I have attempted to make amends for my part of that dynamic.
Making amends after admitting the mistakes one has made- admitting the hurt one has caused - is certainly the first step towards healing. One is able to do this if one has been willing to let go of one’s attachment to the story one has written; the story one thinks should happen. A common family story we adopt is that of the nuclear family with one mother, one father, and x children living independent of a wider community. For various reasons that is seldom the case. Even if two parents and children occupy the same physical address all might not be present emotionally or even physically. One might or might not have the requisite patenting skills, time or energy to be teacher, provider, and nurturer. Two parents never have all the child(ren) need.
When I was a child our parents had a very harsh life and were not always present emotionally and/or physically. Others were able to provide many of the pieces our biological parents did not have to give. Aunt Pleasie, Uncle Harold, Grandma Fannie, Mr. and Mrs Stice and a host of other relatives and neighbors knew parenting was a village responsibility. Later, when my wife, son and I arrived in Hoonah David and Minnie took over. Today I am still blessed with many wise elders who continue my education and who “have my back” emotionally, spiritually and even physically.
It is my responsibility to stand ready to be an elder/parent to all who need unconditional love and, perhaps, a teaching story or two. It is my hope and prayers that others stand ready to give my son the parent/elder pieces he needs but is unable to receive from me. We are a village. It is important to let go of the attachment to the belief that all we need and want come from the sperm and egg donors.
Happy Father’s Day to all the elders who share the blessings - alongside the female elders - of raising our children. Each elder including the biological father and mother may offer a piece of what our children need. We need to let go of the delusion that the only parents we celebrate and blame are the sperm and egg donors. We are all important members of a much larger family.
Happy Father’s Day to all the loving, teaching male elders.
Written June 19, 2022
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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