Sunday Musings - June 20, 2021
Today in the United States it is the day set aside to honor the important role of fathers. It is also the birthday of my sister, Bonnie. In our family, as is true in many families, there were multiple pairs. The first pair was Bonnie and I; then Ed and Pat, and finally the surprise arrival of Tamara. I love all my sibling. Bonnie is closest to being my twin although she might take umbrage with that characterization. In many ways our lives have traveled different paths and, yet, “the better angels of our nature” - our core values - guide many of our actions. I like to think that the better angels of our nature includes Grandma Fannie whose loving wisdom is often the subject of my writing.
All my siblings and I share the same biological father whose first and middle name I carry in reverse order. He was Floyd Jim and I am Jimmy Floyd. Our brother Ed and perhaps our sister Tamara most closely carry in their DNA the better angels of his nature; especially his creative talent. Ed is an amazing artist of sculptures and all manner of creations which feed the soul; designer and all-around creative man. Tamara is also a creator although many of her creations are magical rebirths. She bears witness to the “bailing wire” magic of our farm background. (For those readers not raised on the farm bailing wire was the duct tape of yore!)
As I think about our father and his descendants, I am acutely aware of all the men who have been my mentors. I have been blessed with many teachers, some of whom were identified as female and some as male. I seem to write more those who materialized as females in this incarnation, but many males have also had a profound impact on how I live this journey.
I am reminded that it takes a village to bring out the better angels of our nature. The myth in the United States is this can be accomplished in the context of our often isolated nuclear families. Fortunately, some of us are surrounded by a village. My friends Lisa and Barry bear witness to this reality as they regularly gather as a large extended family. Grandma Fannie, Grandpa Ed, Uncle Harold, Aunt Pleasie and, to a lesser extent, the seemingly multitudes who often gathered at Grandma Fannie’s were members of my village. Later, Sid, David and others joined the village. David who is frequently present in my head reminds me that I cannot possibly know anything. This is imparted as a simple truth, not as criticism.
I also have a son, Jamie, who chooses to find what he needs from mentors such as his partner Karen and others, especially those who impart their wisdom in books. I know he also carries all his ancestors with him. I carry the image of fatherhood in my mind to which Barry, Wendell and others I admire bear witness to. That image does not describe my relationship to Jamie. I am well aware of the painful journey he has traveled and the fact that I have had a role in creating that pain. I am not aware of why we have been unable to talk about and somehow incorporate that pain into a close relationship. At times it felt as if we have delighted in each other. At other times, he has clearly let me know that his only need from me was financial support.
I was thinking about this as I listened to a recent episode of the podcast Hidden Brain with host Shankar Vedanta and his conversational guest psychologist Charlotte Witvliet. Their conversation was focused on the subject of forgiveness; the potential benefits to the person who hurt and the person who has been hurt. My first thought was, “What can I do to convince my son Jamie that I am sorry for my sins of commission and omission as a father?” My second thought was, “What do I need to do to forgive and accept Jamie’s decision of the past year to “end all contact with me.” Once again, I am reminded that while I must be accountable for my sins of commission and omission no amount of praise, financial help, or number of visits has ever permanently repaired that relationship. From the day his mother and I found out he was to join us on this life journey it was made clear to me that my attempt to be the father I envisioned was not to be. Loving him unconditionally requires that I accept that reality while remaining available; trusting that as I parent/mentor other young men and women, he can find what he needs from others in his village.
It is easy for me to fall into the trap of focusing on the actions of others rather than keeping the focus on my actions. I have the power to accept my own humanness and that of others. I have the power of keeping the focus on my actions and practicing what I want others to practice toward me. I was in my mid-twenties before, at least on a cognitive level, I realized these truths. These many decades later I am still kicking and screaming my way to acceptance of them.
Happy Father’s Day to all male and female village members who love and guide our children, especially we often rather emotionally challenged males. Many thanks to all who love, mentor and guide my son.
Written June 20, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
Today in the United States it is the day set aside to honor the important role of fathers. It is also the birthday of my sister, Bonnie. In our family, as is true in many families, there were multiple pairs. The first pair was Bonnie and I; then Ed and Pat, and finally the surprise arrival of Tamara. I love all my sibling. Bonnie is closest to being my twin although she might take umbrage with that characterization. In many ways our lives have traveled different paths and, yet, “the better angels of our nature” - our core values - guide many of our actions. I like to think that the better angels of our nature includes Grandma Fannie whose loving wisdom is often the subject of my writing.
All my siblings and I share the same biological father whose first and middle name I carry in reverse order. He was Floyd Jim and I am Jimmy Floyd. Our brother Ed and perhaps our sister Tamara most closely carry in their DNA the better angels of his nature; especially his creative talent. Ed is an amazing artist of sculptures and all manner of creations which feed the soul; designer and all-around creative man. Tamara is also a creator although many of her creations are magical rebirths. She bears witness to the “bailing wire” magic of our farm background. (For those readers not raised on the farm bailing wire was the duct tape of yore!)
As I think about our father and his descendants, I am acutely aware of all the men who have been my mentors. I have been blessed with many teachers, some of whom were identified as female and some as male. I seem to write more those who materialized as females in this incarnation, but many males have also had a profound impact on how I live this journey.
I am reminded that it takes a village to bring out the better angels of our nature. The myth in the United States is this can be accomplished in the context of our often isolated nuclear families. Fortunately, some of us are surrounded by a village. My friends Lisa and Barry bear witness to this reality as they regularly gather as a large extended family. Grandma Fannie, Grandpa Ed, Uncle Harold, Aunt Pleasie and, to a lesser extent, the seemingly multitudes who often gathered at Grandma Fannie’s were members of my village. Later, Sid, David and others joined the village. David who is frequently present in my head reminds me that I cannot possibly know anything. This is imparted as a simple truth, not as criticism.
I also have a son, Jamie, who chooses to find what he needs from mentors such as his partner Karen and others, especially those who impart their wisdom in books. I know he also carries all his ancestors with him. I carry the image of fatherhood in my mind to which Barry, Wendell and others I admire bear witness to. That image does not describe my relationship to Jamie. I am well aware of the painful journey he has traveled and the fact that I have had a role in creating that pain. I am not aware of why we have been unable to talk about and somehow incorporate that pain into a close relationship. At times it felt as if we have delighted in each other. At other times, he has clearly let me know that his only need from me was financial support.
I was thinking about this as I listened to a recent episode of the podcast Hidden Brain with host Shankar Vedanta and his conversational guest psychologist Charlotte Witvliet. Their conversation was focused on the subject of forgiveness; the potential benefits to the person who hurt and the person who has been hurt. My first thought was, “What can I do to convince my son Jamie that I am sorry for my sins of commission and omission as a father?” My second thought was, “What do I need to do to forgive and accept Jamie’s decision of the past year to “end all contact with me.” Once again, I am reminded that while I must be accountable for my sins of commission and omission no amount of praise, financial help, or number of visits has ever permanently repaired that relationship. From the day his mother and I found out he was to join us on this life journey it was made clear to me that my attempt to be the father I envisioned was not to be. Loving him unconditionally requires that I accept that reality while remaining available; trusting that as I parent/mentor other young men and women, he can find what he needs from others in his village.
It is easy for me to fall into the trap of focusing on the actions of others rather than keeping the focus on my actions. I have the power to accept my own humanness and that of others. I have the power of keeping the focus on my actions and practicing what I want others to practice toward me. I was in my mid-twenties before, at least on a cognitive level, I realized these truths. These many decades later I am still kicking and screaming my way to acceptance of them.
Happy Father’s Day to all male and female village members who love and guide our children, especially we often rather emotionally challenged males. Many thanks to all who love, mentor and guide my son.
Written June 20, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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