Sunday Musings - June 21, 2020
Parenting
Today in the United States the day is officially set aside to honor the role of fathers in raising children. Those of us who are parents know that is the toughest and most important job we will ever do. We only get one opportunity to get it right. We know that we are going to make many mistakes. We also know that we hold our children tight so that we can let them go. If we are very fortunate our children learn to be very accepting of their own as well as our humanness.
As parents we also know that that there are many factors other than our teaching and influence which will affect their development; other mentors, mental illness, accidents, abusive acts by peers and adults, teachers (near and far), so called natural disasters such as floods, hurricanes, fires, and tornadoes, war and a host of other people and events. The same factors affect the tone and shape of our parenting.
As a licensed counselor I have frequent contact with parents whose children have died of the direct result of the disease of addiction, murder, or an accident. There is no grief to match that of the parent whose child has died “before their time” (not in the natural order) no matter what the cause. Perhaps it is impossible for a parent whose child has died to avoid feeing as if they have not done their job as well as they might have. After all, us parents believe it is our job to protect our children no matter how old they are or no matter how much we knows they must follow their own path.
We may often be told that we are too permissive, too controlling, too generous, or to withholding. There is always someone who knows better than we what we should have done. A part of us is always self critical while perhaps attempting to justify our action or lack of action.
We long for that perfect family we see in movies or read about in books; that family in which the children are traditionally successful, safe, adoring and grateful. They want to come home for holidays, special birthdays and will be there to nurse us through our last days. The children in that perfect family are forgiving of all our mistakes and never blame us for their bad decisions. There do seem to be some of those families. I am very happy for them. Most of us, however, are very appreciative of the comedian who describes our less than perfect family; the family where children blame, disown, feel entitled, and are very black and white thinkers. In this family one strike and you are out or at least out until the child needs temporary shelter, money or both. We long for that family in which the addicted child gets treatment and becomes a community mentor for other “at risk” youth; that child who returns as the prodigal son or daughter for whom we kill the fatted calf and prepare a pre covid-19 feast.
If we knew the parenting job was going to be tough perhaps we would never be parents. We fathers would go to our local vet to be “fixed” as soon as we reached puberty. We would never be arrogant enough to think we could do this job even moderately well. Yet, intentionally or “accidentally” we become parents and determine to do a better job than our parents. We will often finding ourselves repeating the same mistakes.
Having confessed up to all that one might ask what is my hope for us fathers. My hope is that we can approximate unconditional love of our sons and daughters; that we can accept responsibility for doing a very imperfect job and make amends if allowed; that we can respect our children’s decisions to live life distant or close; that we will not compare them to other children. In short my wish is that we can be at peace with doing our best.
Written June 21, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
Parenting
Today in the United States the day is officially set aside to honor the role of fathers in raising children. Those of us who are parents know that is the toughest and most important job we will ever do. We only get one opportunity to get it right. We know that we are going to make many mistakes. We also know that we hold our children tight so that we can let them go. If we are very fortunate our children learn to be very accepting of their own as well as our humanness.
As parents we also know that that there are many factors other than our teaching and influence which will affect their development; other mentors, mental illness, accidents, abusive acts by peers and adults, teachers (near and far), so called natural disasters such as floods, hurricanes, fires, and tornadoes, war and a host of other people and events. The same factors affect the tone and shape of our parenting.
As a licensed counselor I have frequent contact with parents whose children have died of the direct result of the disease of addiction, murder, or an accident. There is no grief to match that of the parent whose child has died “before their time” (not in the natural order) no matter what the cause. Perhaps it is impossible for a parent whose child has died to avoid feeing as if they have not done their job as well as they might have. After all, us parents believe it is our job to protect our children no matter how old they are or no matter how much we knows they must follow their own path.
We may often be told that we are too permissive, too controlling, too generous, or to withholding. There is always someone who knows better than we what we should have done. A part of us is always self critical while perhaps attempting to justify our action or lack of action.
We long for that perfect family we see in movies or read about in books; that family in which the children are traditionally successful, safe, adoring and grateful. They want to come home for holidays, special birthdays and will be there to nurse us through our last days. The children in that perfect family are forgiving of all our mistakes and never blame us for their bad decisions. There do seem to be some of those families. I am very happy for them. Most of us, however, are very appreciative of the comedian who describes our less than perfect family; the family where children blame, disown, feel entitled, and are very black and white thinkers. In this family one strike and you are out or at least out until the child needs temporary shelter, money or both. We long for that family in which the addicted child gets treatment and becomes a community mentor for other “at risk” youth; that child who returns as the prodigal son or daughter for whom we kill the fatted calf and prepare a pre covid-19 feast.
If we knew the parenting job was going to be tough perhaps we would never be parents. We fathers would go to our local vet to be “fixed” as soon as we reached puberty. We would never be arrogant enough to think we could do this job even moderately well. Yet, intentionally or “accidentally” we become parents and determine to do a better job than our parents. We will often finding ourselves repeating the same mistakes.
Having confessed up to all that one might ask what is my hope for us fathers. My hope is that we can approximate unconditional love of our sons and daughters; that we can accept responsibility for doing a very imperfect job and make amends if allowed; that we can respect our children’s decisions to live life distant or close; that we will not compare them to other children. In short my wish is that we can be at peace with doing our best.
Written June 21, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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