Sunday Musings – March 29, 2020
The paradox of love
I was happy to see an editorial in the local newspaper this morning quoting the chief of police warning in this time of high stress it is likely that there will be an increase in domestic violence. The author of the editorial suggested that “If you feel near the breaking point, …take a walk, read a book – do something to ratchet down the tension.” Then the author said, “Recognize that coronavirus or no coronavirus, if you harm someone, you’re going to jail.”
Sadly ,if warming someone if they break the law that they are going to jail was enough to reduce violence and other crimes the United States would have long ago seen a great reduction is criminal offense and, thus, a great reduction in the number of people in our jails.
The reality of domestic violence does need to be addressed. Whether the violence is physical, emotional or sexual it harms all members of the family including the person who is inflicting the violence. The authors of the editorial were right to recommend that if one is feeling they are near the breaking point they need to find some way to “ratchet down the tension.” It is also true that the person or person who are in danger of violence need to have a safe place to go. All person living with someone who has a history of violence needs to have a plan to escape. If one is a female with or without children one can contact the local family violence program at the YWCA. If one is a male living in a domestically violent relationship he needs to identify a safe place to go. In this community there are no shelters for men who are experiences domestic violence.
Certainly there may be times when the only safe option is to call the police who will take the violent person to jail. The violent person does not, however, need to be treated as a bad person. In my many years of working for/with men and women who have been violent I have yet to meet one who felt good about his or her violence. I have certainly met those who justified their violence and who had learned to dissociate from the shared humanness with the person upon whom they have inflicted violence. We know from learning how to train people to go to war and kill people that it is possible to create an other with whom one has no relationship. We know from our history of sexism and other forms of oppression how to systematically teach someone to believe that one’s worth is dependent on being more than, better than, more human than, etc. We also know how to systematically teach someone that they have intrinsic worth.
In Norway it is recognized that there are times when individual need to be restrained, not for the purpose of punishment but to protect others and to protect the restrained person from themselves. There are no guards in these institutions. There are mentors or teachers. I am not suggesting that even in that system they will be able to help every restrained person adopt new, less violent ways of functioning. Some may need restrained for long periods of time.
No one chooses to be a violent person and to disconnect from one’s own humanity and the humanity of others. One may well have learned they have a right to violence; the other person(s) is causing their violence, or they have no other options to reduce the tension they are experiencing. That is their reality. We need to be determined to teach our children there are always options; that violence is never a moral option; one never has to base their worth on being better than or more than. In the Christian calendar this is the 5th Sunday of Lent, a time to consider the possibility that radical teachers such as Jesus were right in suggesting that the answer is always love. It is loving to say to the victim of violence that they never deserve to be mistreated. It is right to say to the person who is violent that they may not/need not find their worth in being more powerful than, more controlling of, or more worthwhile than any other human being. It is right to treat all with the love and respect we are demanding they have for others.
Written March 29, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
The paradox of love
I was happy to see an editorial in the local newspaper this morning quoting the chief of police warning in this time of high stress it is likely that there will be an increase in domestic violence. The author of the editorial suggested that “If you feel near the breaking point, …take a walk, read a book – do something to ratchet down the tension.” Then the author said, “Recognize that coronavirus or no coronavirus, if you harm someone, you’re going to jail.”
Sadly ,if warming someone if they break the law that they are going to jail was enough to reduce violence and other crimes the United States would have long ago seen a great reduction is criminal offense and, thus, a great reduction in the number of people in our jails.
The reality of domestic violence does need to be addressed. Whether the violence is physical, emotional or sexual it harms all members of the family including the person who is inflicting the violence. The authors of the editorial were right to recommend that if one is feeling they are near the breaking point they need to find some way to “ratchet down the tension.” It is also true that the person or person who are in danger of violence need to have a safe place to go. All person living with someone who has a history of violence needs to have a plan to escape. If one is a female with or without children one can contact the local family violence program at the YWCA. If one is a male living in a domestically violent relationship he needs to identify a safe place to go. In this community there are no shelters for men who are experiences domestic violence.
Certainly there may be times when the only safe option is to call the police who will take the violent person to jail. The violent person does not, however, need to be treated as a bad person. In my many years of working for/with men and women who have been violent I have yet to meet one who felt good about his or her violence. I have certainly met those who justified their violence and who had learned to dissociate from the shared humanness with the person upon whom they have inflicted violence. We know from learning how to train people to go to war and kill people that it is possible to create an other with whom one has no relationship. We know from our history of sexism and other forms of oppression how to systematically teach someone to believe that one’s worth is dependent on being more than, better than, more human than, etc. We also know how to systematically teach someone that they have intrinsic worth.
In Norway it is recognized that there are times when individual need to be restrained, not for the purpose of punishment but to protect others and to protect the restrained person from themselves. There are no guards in these institutions. There are mentors or teachers. I am not suggesting that even in that system they will be able to help every restrained person adopt new, less violent ways of functioning. Some may need restrained for long periods of time.
No one chooses to be a violent person and to disconnect from one’s own humanity and the humanity of others. One may well have learned they have a right to violence; the other person(s) is causing their violence, or they have no other options to reduce the tension they are experiencing. That is their reality. We need to be determined to teach our children there are always options; that violence is never a moral option; one never has to base their worth on being better than or more than. In the Christian calendar this is the 5th Sunday of Lent, a time to consider the possibility that radical teachers such as Jesus were right in suggesting that the answer is always love. It is loving to say to the victim of violence that they never deserve to be mistreated. It is right to say to the person who is violent that they may not/need not find their worth in being more powerful than, more controlling of, or more worthwhile than any other human being. It is right to treat all with the love and respect we are demanding they have for others.
Written March 29, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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