Sunday Musings - May 7, 2023
“Fact checking.”
From the moment we are born we humans began to learn “truths” or “facts” about ourselves and the world. “Truths or facts” may or may not be intentionally or directly communicated to us. More likely they are based upon our limited ability to fact check the information we think we are receiving. We may learn these “truths/facts” long before we have acquired language. We may not, for example, know the words “safe” and “unsafe” and, yet we know when our primary parent or parents consistently feel tense, angry, or welcoming. When that happens, we may decide:
All big people are unsafe.
All big people are safe.
The world is mine to explore.
All males or females are unsafe.
All big people who smell a certain way are safe or unsafe.
I am lovable.
There is something wrong with me. I am unlovable.
There are, of course, many other possible “truths” or “facts” one may deduce. When young our world is small and contained. First the womb and then mainly the immediate family with some extended family contact keep oneself self-centered - interpreting the world through a tiny lens. It may seem as if one is responsible for what happens to one or the feelings of those responsible for one’s care. It may seem as if one has no responsibilities at all; that adults take care of themselves.
One can go one’s entire life living as if these “truths” or “facts” had been fact checked and found to be accurate. One may even live in a way which seems to prove these early “truths” or “facts”. One may, for example, be unconsciously drawn to people who recreate one’s family of origin. One may associate love with kindness or mistreatment. One may unconsciously still be attempting to win the unconditional love of someone who is unable to give it. One may push away others who attempt to show love. One may keep one’s world very tiny thinking that is the only safe possibility. One may assume all people and situations can be trusted.
It is unlikely that anyone tells one that as one approaches adulthood it is one’s responsibility to write all these so-called facts down on 3 x 5 cards, place them on a large table and one by one fact check them. One may use the assistance of guides such as a therapist and/or support group to begin this process. One can also use resources such as books which address issues such as growing up with addicted or otherwise ill parents. There are many books for Adult Children of Alcoholic/addicts or those who have grown up with mental illness, other trauma, or in an overly very protected environment.
Research scientists always begin with a null hypothesis and set out to test that hypothesis. For example, one might posit that most gowns/outfits worn at the Met Gala, May 1 were inexpensive. Research would probably indicate that, in fact, most gowns/outfits worn to that gala cost a lot of money.
If our adult null hypothesis is that most alcoholic parents are healthy then research would show that, in fact, alcoholism is a chronic illness which affects the brain and, thus, affects thinking and behavior. If our null hypothesis was that young children do not cause adult parents to be addicts research would prove that this is true. No one causes a person to be an addict. It may be true that if one is raised by addicted biological parents, one is more likely to be addicted because of both genetics and role modeling.
It may be that if one grew up in an unsafe home that it was important to walk on eggshells and/or to have the anxious radar on when in that home. It is not true that as an adult one should need to recreate that unsafe home or keep their anxious radar on all the time.
It may be true that two parents who acutely disliked themselves and each other called their relationship loving but that is not the definition of love as most of us understand love.
Whether we are looking at families of origin, adults with a particular agenda, religious leaders representing a particular religion, a news station whose lens are progressive, conservative, or fueled by some vested interest we need not base our understanding of “truths or facts” on what a small groups suggests. We need to do our own research and rely on those who can prove that they have conducted research with an open heart and mind.
So called facts and “truths” can be very fragile constructs based on very limited and/or skewed information.
Claiming the adult life which one deserves and not passing along the old lies to our children may not initially “feel” comfortable. Often what is unfamiliar, even if healthy, is uncomfortable. It may be uncomfortable to break the unspoken family rules with which we were raised. That discomfort is temporary. We can soon find ourselves breathing and relaxing.
If and when our untreated unhealthy parents or other family members visit, we may need to lovingly let them know the “rules” for our home. If they are unable to follow those rules, we may decide to limit brief visits to outside our safe and healthy home. This can be done with love and not judgement.
All we parents do the best we know how. We may find, at times, we are good at teaching our children how to discern their adult truths; how to fact check or think critically about a range of issues. At other times, we fall short. None of us are perfect parents or had the perfect parents. We are humans. All of us, as adults, can fact check our internal file cabinet of “truths and facts”
Written May 7, 2023
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
“Fact checking.”
From the moment we are born we humans began to learn “truths” or “facts” about ourselves and the world. “Truths or facts” may or may not be intentionally or directly communicated to us. More likely they are based upon our limited ability to fact check the information we think we are receiving. We may learn these “truths/facts” long before we have acquired language. We may not, for example, know the words “safe” and “unsafe” and, yet we know when our primary parent or parents consistently feel tense, angry, or welcoming. When that happens, we may decide:
All big people are unsafe.
All big people are safe.
The world is mine to explore.
All males or females are unsafe.
All big people who smell a certain way are safe or unsafe.
I am lovable.
There is something wrong with me. I am unlovable.
There are, of course, many other possible “truths” or “facts” one may deduce. When young our world is small and contained. First the womb and then mainly the immediate family with some extended family contact keep oneself self-centered - interpreting the world through a tiny lens. It may seem as if one is responsible for what happens to one or the feelings of those responsible for one’s care. It may seem as if one has no responsibilities at all; that adults take care of themselves.
One can go one’s entire life living as if these “truths” or “facts” had been fact checked and found to be accurate. One may even live in a way which seems to prove these early “truths” or “facts”. One may, for example, be unconsciously drawn to people who recreate one’s family of origin. One may associate love with kindness or mistreatment. One may unconsciously still be attempting to win the unconditional love of someone who is unable to give it. One may push away others who attempt to show love. One may keep one’s world very tiny thinking that is the only safe possibility. One may assume all people and situations can be trusted.
It is unlikely that anyone tells one that as one approaches adulthood it is one’s responsibility to write all these so-called facts down on 3 x 5 cards, place them on a large table and one by one fact check them. One may use the assistance of guides such as a therapist and/or support group to begin this process. One can also use resources such as books which address issues such as growing up with addicted or otherwise ill parents. There are many books for Adult Children of Alcoholic/addicts or those who have grown up with mental illness, other trauma, or in an overly very protected environment.
Research scientists always begin with a null hypothesis and set out to test that hypothesis. For example, one might posit that most gowns/outfits worn at the Met Gala, May 1 were inexpensive. Research would probably indicate that, in fact, most gowns/outfits worn to that gala cost a lot of money.
If our adult null hypothesis is that most alcoholic parents are healthy then research would show that, in fact, alcoholism is a chronic illness which affects the brain and, thus, affects thinking and behavior. If our null hypothesis was that young children do not cause adult parents to be addicts research would prove that this is true. No one causes a person to be an addict. It may be true that if one is raised by addicted biological parents, one is more likely to be addicted because of both genetics and role modeling.
It may be that if one grew up in an unsafe home that it was important to walk on eggshells and/or to have the anxious radar on when in that home. It is not true that as an adult one should need to recreate that unsafe home or keep their anxious radar on all the time.
It may be true that two parents who acutely disliked themselves and each other called their relationship loving but that is not the definition of love as most of us understand love.
Whether we are looking at families of origin, adults with a particular agenda, religious leaders representing a particular religion, a news station whose lens are progressive, conservative, or fueled by some vested interest we need not base our understanding of “truths or facts” on what a small groups suggests. We need to do our own research and rely on those who can prove that they have conducted research with an open heart and mind.
So called facts and “truths” can be very fragile constructs based on very limited and/or skewed information.
Claiming the adult life which one deserves and not passing along the old lies to our children may not initially “feel” comfortable. Often what is unfamiliar, even if healthy, is uncomfortable. It may be uncomfortable to break the unspoken family rules with which we were raised. That discomfort is temporary. We can soon find ourselves breathing and relaxing.
If and when our untreated unhealthy parents or other family members visit, we may need to lovingly let them know the “rules” for our home. If they are unable to follow those rules, we may decide to limit brief visits to outside our safe and healthy home. This can be done with love and not judgement.
All we parents do the best we know how. We may find, at times, we are good at teaching our children how to discern their adult truths; how to fact check or think critically about a range of issues. At other times, we fall short. None of us are perfect parents or had the perfect parents. We are humans. All of us, as adults, can fact check our internal file cabinet of “truths and facts”
Written May 7, 2023
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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