Sunday Musings - May 9, 2021
Today in the United States is set aside to pay tribute to mothers. I recently listened to Krista Tippett’s conversation with famed psychologist Daniel Kahneman on the podcast On Being about perception or experience of reality. Krista mention that giving birth is a good example of being able to focus on the magic of a new child instead of the pain of childbirth. If the focus was on the pain of childbirth no woman would ever have more than one child. Of course, as a male, I am convinced that were childbirth up to us males, no one would ever consciously agree to have more than one child. It is difficult for men - certainly this man - to imagine the physical pain of childbirth. Of course, by the time a child is born, the woman has had 9 months to bond with the fetus. More often than not bonding does occur and the woman who has physically fed and born the fetus becomes a mother.
There are also those cases when the person who nurtures and carries the fetus does not develop a bond; is expected to be a parent but is unable to emotionally, physically or financially be a parent. More often than most of us know a grandparent, frequently a grandmother, steps in to raise a child. Sometimes, sadly, an employee of the state must step in and forcibly take over legal responsibility for the child.
Too often, a child continues to live with a mother and/or father who is unable to be a parent but who retains legal responsibility. In this case, absence of another healthy adult, the child raises themselves or becomes the parent to the biological mother, father or both.
Sadly, we often harshly judge a female who is unable to take on the role of mother for whatever reason. While we might be critical of the male who is unable to assume the active role of a father, we are often more forgiving of him than we are the female who is unable to assume the active role as a mother.
Many children whose mother (or father) was unable to assume the responsibilities of being an active parent continue, throughout their adult life, to expect their birth mother or biological sperm donor to be the parent that Hallmark or most of the community says that they should be. Instead of choosing a family of choice - an intentional parent - they stay profoundly depressed and/or angry waiting for that person to morph into a parent.
Today, on this Mother’s Day, we can honor those who:
1. Bonded, gave birth and were able to be the parent the child needed.
2. Gave birth but were wise and unselfish enough to allow someone else to be the parent.
· Gave birth and desperately wanted to be a good parent, felt unable to allow someone else to raise the child and yet were unable to be the parent the child needed. Mental illness may often be a factor.
· For various reasons, took on the role of being both a mother and father. Luckily many males and females have the qualities needed to perform both roles.
· Stepped in when both parents of someone were deceased or otherwise unavailable. I know many who put careers on hold to step in and do this important job with very little recognition of being full time parents.
Many women and some men are single parents struggling to balance work, parenting, maintenance of a home, being emotionally and physically present as well as a community member, being an extended family member and performing a myriad of other tasks. As we gather today to honor mothers and those who step up to perform all the duties of being a mother let’s remember that support needs to arrive in the form of action. Some of the proposals to Congress by the current administration address such basic needs as child care assistance. If we are serious about honoring the roles and duties of those who are the de facto mothers we need to provide those resources and tools which honors the fact that parenting is a full time job. When we treat it as a part time, minimum wage (or less) job which one does with extra change and bottom of the barrel energy left over at the end of the “work” day, vocal support or praise is meaningless. Flowers or a meal one day of the year does not pay the bills, infuse one with the needed health benefits of sleep, buy gas to chauffeur children to their after school activities, or help one take on the duties of teacher while children are remotely attending school. One cannot pay the dependable, safe, effective child care person with a rose petals and a left over chicken bone.
Grandma Fannie would suggest that if, as a community, we are serious about mother’s day we need to: “Put your money where your mouth is.”
Written May 9, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
Today in the United States is set aside to pay tribute to mothers. I recently listened to Krista Tippett’s conversation with famed psychologist Daniel Kahneman on the podcast On Being about perception or experience of reality. Krista mention that giving birth is a good example of being able to focus on the magic of a new child instead of the pain of childbirth. If the focus was on the pain of childbirth no woman would ever have more than one child. Of course, as a male, I am convinced that were childbirth up to us males, no one would ever consciously agree to have more than one child. It is difficult for men - certainly this man - to imagine the physical pain of childbirth. Of course, by the time a child is born, the woman has had 9 months to bond with the fetus. More often than not bonding does occur and the woman who has physically fed and born the fetus becomes a mother.
There are also those cases when the person who nurtures and carries the fetus does not develop a bond; is expected to be a parent but is unable to emotionally, physically or financially be a parent. More often than most of us know a grandparent, frequently a grandmother, steps in to raise a child. Sometimes, sadly, an employee of the state must step in and forcibly take over legal responsibility for the child.
Too often, a child continues to live with a mother and/or father who is unable to be a parent but who retains legal responsibility. In this case, absence of another healthy adult, the child raises themselves or becomes the parent to the biological mother, father or both.
Sadly, we often harshly judge a female who is unable to take on the role of mother for whatever reason. While we might be critical of the male who is unable to assume the active role of a father, we are often more forgiving of him than we are the female who is unable to assume the active role as a mother.
Many children whose mother (or father) was unable to assume the responsibilities of being an active parent continue, throughout their adult life, to expect their birth mother or biological sperm donor to be the parent that Hallmark or most of the community says that they should be. Instead of choosing a family of choice - an intentional parent - they stay profoundly depressed and/or angry waiting for that person to morph into a parent.
Today, on this Mother’s Day, we can honor those who:
1. Bonded, gave birth and were able to be the parent the child needed.
2. Gave birth but were wise and unselfish enough to allow someone else to be the parent.
· Gave birth and desperately wanted to be a good parent, felt unable to allow someone else to raise the child and yet were unable to be the parent the child needed. Mental illness may often be a factor.
· For various reasons, took on the role of being both a mother and father. Luckily many males and females have the qualities needed to perform both roles.
· Stepped in when both parents of someone were deceased or otherwise unavailable. I know many who put careers on hold to step in and do this important job with very little recognition of being full time parents.
Many women and some men are single parents struggling to balance work, parenting, maintenance of a home, being emotionally and physically present as well as a community member, being an extended family member and performing a myriad of other tasks. As we gather today to honor mothers and those who step up to perform all the duties of being a mother let’s remember that support needs to arrive in the form of action. Some of the proposals to Congress by the current administration address such basic needs as child care assistance. If we are serious about honoring the roles and duties of those who are the de facto mothers we need to provide those resources and tools which honors the fact that parenting is a full time job. When we treat it as a part time, minimum wage (or less) job which one does with extra change and bottom of the barrel energy left over at the end of the “work” day, vocal support or praise is meaningless. Flowers or a meal one day of the year does not pay the bills, infuse one with the needed health benefits of sleep, buy gas to chauffeur children to their after school activities, or help one take on the duties of teacher while children are remotely attending school. One cannot pay the dependable, safe, effective child care person with a rose petals and a left over chicken bone.
Grandma Fannie would suggest that if, as a community, we are serious about mother’s day we need to: “Put your money where your mouth is.”
Written May 9, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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