Supporting the person who is in an abusive relationship

​Supporting the person who is in an abusive relationship.
 
Often in my role as counselor/therapist who has  worked for/with those living in an abusive relationship I get the following questions from concerned friends and family members:

• Why won’t the abused person leave abuser? I gave her/him all the information about the local women’s shelter.
• Should I call Child Protective Services?
• What else can I do?

 
Obviously,  if there are non-adult children living in the home then the first consideration is whether they are in danger of being physically harmed.  Witnessing physical and emotional abuse is very harmful long term. Experiencing the emotional abuse of a parents or sibling  is also harmful.  Living in a home which has the potential of physical harm because of threats or use of guns, the presence of a meth amphetamine lavatory or some other activity which poses immediate physical threats requires action.   One does have to be careful, however, because often the partner of the dangerous person will be too frightened on losing their children or too protective of their abusive  partner to validate what the children are saying or what other evidence is present.  Sometimes a family member such as a grandparents will remove and take care of the children.  If there is a local shelter for abused people then they will have someone who can educate about the  legal options or challenges. If the children are the step children of the person being abused or the abuser the other biological parents might or might not be a safer option.    For some very good reasons it is not easy to remove a child from a biological parent(s).  it may also be true that there may be few foster parents or other options available.
 
If there is no immediate danger to children and someone reveals that they are in an abusive relationship my advice is:
 

• Listen with love and not judgement to the  abused person.
• Be patient.
• Make sure the abused person knows how to reach the nearest shelter which is likely to have a bed open.  Often I have asked a staff member or volunteer with the shelter to join a client and myself (with permission of the client of course) during a scheduled appointment.
• Be patient.
• Do not pretend as if it is a simple manner to leave the abusive person.   Practical, financial, emotional and religious factors can affect a person’s decision.
• Do not tell the person what to do.  This may remind the abused person of the person abusing them.
• Be patient.   The average person living in an abusive relationship has to leave 7 times  before they are able to stay away.
• If the person does not talk to a shelter worker or read  information on line remind them to;
  • If being threatened try to stay close to an exit. (One cannot stop the abuse but one may be able to influence the place in the home of the abuse.)
  • If possible hide car key outside where it is readily available.
  • Keep purse/bag with phone,  keys, I.D., credit cards  and money if possible in place where it can be easy to grab if one needs to leave.
  • If abused person has access to car and money tell them to keep gas tank full and have nearest safe place programed into phone or car GPS.
  • Do not wear high heels, tight skirts or any other article of clothing which might make it difficult to move quickly away from the abuser if he/she is near or could be near.
  • If safe keep extra clothes, toiletries, medication and other essentials in car or some other safe place.
  • If they are able , read literature on leaving an abusive relationship. (Do not leave information anyplace the abuser might find it.)
• Be aware that the abuser might have hidden cameras in the guise of a security system or other recording devices inside or surrounding the house.
• Advise the abused person to get rid of guns or ammunition if it can be safely done.
• Listen with patience.
• Never be critical or judgmental of person no matter how often they leave and return to abuser.
• Do research on housing, potential jobs, day care, access to affordable attorneys, and contact information on counselors who are trained in working for/with those who have experienced the trauma of domestic violence (if none available through nearby shelter).
• Remind abused person that abuser is not a bad person but, like all humans, uses whatever tools they know to deal with their fears and corresponding anger; that they cannot change merely by wanting to.  They have to shop for and learn how  to use other tools to deal with emotions and beliefs.
• Be mindful that abused person, even if wealthy, might not have access to any financial resources.
• Do not post any information on social media or leave any info in search history of phone, computer or other devises.

 
Written April 27, 2019
Jimmy F. Pickett
coachpickett.org