Surrender
When one hears the word surrender one might think of a war situation or a child hood game. Those working towards spiritual growth including those in 12 step recovery programs think of surrender as acceptance one can no longer engage in certain behavior; can follow a positive spiritual path.
My experience and that of most people I know is that as soon as one decides to let go of an unhealthy behavior one obsessively thinks about whatever it is he or she is wanting to let go of or change. For example, many years ago I smoked cigarettes. There was nothing I enjoyed about smoking; not the taste, the smell, being offensive to others, or the residue it left on furniture, clothes or anything else within 100 feet. Yet, every time I thought about not smoking I became anxious and could think of nothing else. I was well aware that I was physically addicted, but I was also aware that the habit was firmly etched into my brain. This was especially obvious when I was traveling long distances via plane. If I had to change plans and was in airports or planes for 10 or even 14 hours I had no cravings. As soon as I reached a destination where I could go outside I experienced an intense craving. If I only traveled for three hours I had an intense craving as soon as I got near an outside smoking area.
We learn to pair certain emotions, situations, people or objects to particular activity. I have, for example, an icon in my brain which represents compact size cars. If I get into a truck or even a large automobile my muscle memory does not kick in as quickly as it does for the car I normally drive. It is very convenient to not have to think when I get into this car and want to start it and drive to someplace. Occasionally, if I have numerous trips to one place, my muscle memory takes me to that place even if I had intended to go someplace else. (My phone seems to work similarly. It remembers that on Tuesday at 9:30 I general leave for location where I volunteer.) When I want to change a pairing in my brain it can be very uncomfortable especially if I have associated the prior pairing with extreme pleasure or the release of pain. Most drugs/chemicals and some behavior create significance changes in the brain. Some recreational drugs, for example, reduce certain “feel good” chemicals in the brain seemingly because the brain is now getting that feeling from the drug. The brain does not immediately start production of that chemical when one withholds the recreational drugs. Acute discomfort and even depression may occur.
Change often requires that one “surrender” to the discomfort; the acute pain of letting go of the unwanted behavior. One knows if one keeps reinforcing the habit that future attempts to change will feel like one has to be in a locked facility with no access to the drug/behavior. Just one pill or one more sexual encounter, rageful fit or quart of ice cream will result in further reinforcing the habit and make future attempts to change even more difficult
Being locked up on jail or even a hospital setting does not necessarily ensure that one can easily surrender. One can certainly find drugs, act out sexually or have attacks of rage in most jails/prisons. One can also pair a hospital setting, jail or other place with not engaging in unhealthy behavior, but as soon as one gets to a setting which has been formerly paired with the unwanted behavior one can easily “relapse” into the old behavior. One can also pair behavior with certain people. Thus, 12 step programs recommend that one avoid “people, places and things” which might trigger the behavior one wants to change
Contrary to the wishes of all or most of us, there is no easier, softer way to change a behavior one has reinforced multiple times. One can use support systems such as 12 step programs. One can enlist the aid of good friends or family members. One can sometimes have the luxury of residential treatment programs. Medications such as antidepressants may take the edge off of the discomfort. All of these can, so to speak, provide a leg up in making changes but, in the end surrender is going to be very uncomfortable. The good news is that on the other side of surrender is the freedom to claim the life one deserves.
Written August 4, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett, LPC, AADC
coachpickett.org
When one hears the word surrender one might think of a war situation or a child hood game. Those working towards spiritual growth including those in 12 step recovery programs think of surrender as acceptance one can no longer engage in certain behavior; can follow a positive spiritual path.
My experience and that of most people I know is that as soon as one decides to let go of an unhealthy behavior one obsessively thinks about whatever it is he or she is wanting to let go of or change. For example, many years ago I smoked cigarettes. There was nothing I enjoyed about smoking; not the taste, the smell, being offensive to others, or the residue it left on furniture, clothes or anything else within 100 feet. Yet, every time I thought about not smoking I became anxious and could think of nothing else. I was well aware that I was physically addicted, but I was also aware that the habit was firmly etched into my brain. This was especially obvious when I was traveling long distances via plane. If I had to change plans and was in airports or planes for 10 or even 14 hours I had no cravings. As soon as I reached a destination where I could go outside I experienced an intense craving. If I only traveled for three hours I had an intense craving as soon as I got near an outside smoking area.
We learn to pair certain emotions, situations, people or objects to particular activity. I have, for example, an icon in my brain which represents compact size cars. If I get into a truck or even a large automobile my muscle memory does not kick in as quickly as it does for the car I normally drive. It is very convenient to not have to think when I get into this car and want to start it and drive to someplace. Occasionally, if I have numerous trips to one place, my muscle memory takes me to that place even if I had intended to go someplace else. (My phone seems to work similarly. It remembers that on Tuesday at 9:30 I general leave for location where I volunteer.) When I want to change a pairing in my brain it can be very uncomfortable especially if I have associated the prior pairing with extreme pleasure or the release of pain. Most drugs/chemicals and some behavior create significance changes in the brain. Some recreational drugs, for example, reduce certain “feel good” chemicals in the brain seemingly because the brain is now getting that feeling from the drug. The brain does not immediately start production of that chemical when one withholds the recreational drugs. Acute discomfort and even depression may occur.
Change often requires that one “surrender” to the discomfort; the acute pain of letting go of the unwanted behavior. One knows if one keeps reinforcing the habit that future attempts to change will feel like one has to be in a locked facility with no access to the drug/behavior. Just one pill or one more sexual encounter, rageful fit or quart of ice cream will result in further reinforcing the habit and make future attempts to change even more difficult
Being locked up on jail or even a hospital setting does not necessarily ensure that one can easily surrender. One can certainly find drugs, act out sexually or have attacks of rage in most jails/prisons. One can also pair a hospital setting, jail or other place with not engaging in unhealthy behavior, but as soon as one gets to a setting which has been formerly paired with the unwanted behavior one can easily “relapse” into the old behavior. One can also pair behavior with certain people. Thus, 12 step programs recommend that one avoid “people, places and things” which might trigger the behavior one wants to change
Contrary to the wishes of all or most of us, there is no easier, softer way to change a behavior one has reinforced multiple times. One can use support systems such as 12 step programs. One can enlist the aid of good friends or family members. One can sometimes have the luxury of residential treatment programs. Medications such as antidepressants may take the edge off of the discomfort. All of these can, so to speak, provide a leg up in making changes but, in the end surrender is going to be very uncomfortable. The good news is that on the other side of surrender is the freedom to claim the life one deserves.
Written August 4, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett, LPC, AADC
coachpickett.org
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