Surviving tough times
I recall having a difficult time communicating with the mother of our son. As we all know, at our best, we may find it difficult to find the language which approximates the experience of the person with whom we are attempting to communicate. Since each of us has a very personal history with each work or concept even if in the same basic language such as English, It may seem as if we are speaking the same language, but, in truth, we are speaking two different languages. The surprise is not that we have difficulty “hearing” and “understanding” each other. The surprise is that we ever manage to hear and approximate an understanding of each other.
I recall that one reoccurring example of miscommunication concerns a life lesson we both wanted to teach our son. I wanted him to be able to honor his tears and the accompanying feelings of fear, sadness, or feeling weak without allowing those feelings to determine his decisions about facing and dealing with tough issues. His mother heard me saying that it was wrong for boys to cry. She may also have heard me saying that his feelings did not matter. At some intuitive level she may also have realized that he suffered from the same depressive illness which haunted her. This, of course, made the feelings of fear, sadness or feeling weak ten times more intense than those who do not have a depressive illness.
He did learn to deal with very tough issues. Treatment for his depression may also have helped him experiences some feelings a little less intensely.
In my chosen profession as psychotherapist, counselor or coach I continue to struggle with approximating the language which a client or clients speak and understand. One of the reoccurring issues is the same one which my son’s mother and I struggled with; to honor all the emotions and, yet, not to allow emotional to define one’s experience of oneself or one’s belief in one’s strength. Over the years this life lesson has morphed into: “In our relationship I am willing to give all he hugs and positive encouragement one wants or needs, but I am not willing to give any pats on the head.” Pats on the head seem very patronizing to me essentially communicating, “There, there you are just too weak and fragile to face life on life’s terms.” For me that does not seem or feel respectful or helpful. On the other hand, a hugs says, “This issue or situation is really tough. I will work alongside of you as you face and deal with it. Together we can get through this.”
We are often in danger in our culture of not appreciating or achieving the precarious balance we can achieve with a hug. We seem to often be saying, “You are worthless, not deserving of any support. You are just a weak, sniveling little aunt which I can crush with my rules or judgment.” or we are say, “You are just too fragile to handle life on life’s terms. It seems to me that neither approach is honest, respectful or helpful.
I think that the truths are:
Written June 26, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
I recall having a difficult time communicating with the mother of our son. As we all know, at our best, we may find it difficult to find the language which approximates the experience of the person with whom we are attempting to communicate. Since each of us has a very personal history with each work or concept even if in the same basic language such as English, It may seem as if we are speaking the same language, but, in truth, we are speaking two different languages. The surprise is not that we have difficulty “hearing” and “understanding” each other. The surprise is that we ever manage to hear and approximate an understanding of each other.
I recall that one reoccurring example of miscommunication concerns a life lesson we both wanted to teach our son. I wanted him to be able to honor his tears and the accompanying feelings of fear, sadness, or feeling weak without allowing those feelings to determine his decisions about facing and dealing with tough issues. His mother heard me saying that it was wrong for boys to cry. She may also have heard me saying that his feelings did not matter. At some intuitive level she may also have realized that he suffered from the same depressive illness which haunted her. This, of course, made the feelings of fear, sadness or feeling weak ten times more intense than those who do not have a depressive illness.
He did learn to deal with very tough issues. Treatment for his depression may also have helped him experiences some feelings a little less intensely.
In my chosen profession as psychotherapist, counselor or coach I continue to struggle with approximating the language which a client or clients speak and understand. One of the reoccurring issues is the same one which my son’s mother and I struggled with; to honor all the emotions and, yet, not to allow emotional to define one’s experience of oneself or one’s belief in one’s strength. Over the years this life lesson has morphed into: “In our relationship I am willing to give all he hugs and positive encouragement one wants or needs, but I am not willing to give any pats on the head.” Pats on the head seem very patronizing to me essentially communicating, “There, there you are just too weak and fragile to face life on life’s terms.” For me that does not seem or feel respectful or helpful. On the other hand, a hugs says, “This issue or situation is really tough. I will work alongside of you as you face and deal with it. Together we can get through this.”
We are often in danger in our culture of not appreciating or achieving the precarious balance we can achieve with a hug. We seem to often be saying, “You are worthless, not deserving of any support. You are just a weak, sniveling little aunt which I can crush with my rules or judgment.” or we are say, “You are just too fragile to handle life on life’s terms. It seems to me that neither approach is honest, respectful or helpful.
I think that the truths are:
- We are all stronger than we feel.
- We all function better with some support.
- We do not need someone doing our job for us.
- We may have a depressive illness or some other condition which does make situations and tasks more difficult for us.
- None of us needs a pat on the head.
- Communication is tough. It is important to keep trying until we approximate each other’s experience of the language being used.
Written June 26, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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