Surviving trauma
What is that makes us so sure that we must know the answers to the difficult questions which plague us humans. Unlike other animals we humans tend to struggle over daily decisions of how to live our lives; how to treat ourselves and each other. All other animals are spared the agonizing over decision making models; designing algorithms which take into account the moral, ethical or practical factors which most effectively ensure the survival of their tribe as well assuring they are included in the Who’s Who of the species of which they are a member.
We are called to share with each other the struggle to live with the events which often leave deep emotional scars in the core of our being. Sometimes the events with have left these scars are a result of abuse. Abuse always carries the message that the life of the abused is less important than that of the abuser. The abuse might have left a loved one dead, severely disabled physically, mentally impaired or even “vegetable like” for the remainder of their life.
If differently abled physically or even vegetable like as a result of abuse, an accident or a force of nature one may have a difficult time accepting their current strengths and limitation. Often, however, with or without professional counseling and the passage of time, most come to some level of acceptance. Some will eventually come to see the events which resulted in the change in their life dance as a gift. They may, for example, discover talents and strengths which might otherwise have been neglected.
For example, a military pilot who was acutely injured in an accident learned the joy of being an at home, full time father which had a profound, positive affect on the trajectory of the lives of his children.
Some who have been abused or mistreated internalize the lies of the abuser and get stuck in a victim role. They may focus for the remainder of their lives on the fact that life has been unfair. Some therapists or counselors may unwittingly reinforce this angry or depressed life dance.
The goal of therapy is to empathically acknowledge the pain of abuse or other sad events while helping the patient/client uncover the new opportunities available to them. The line between pitying them as victims and honoring their pain may be narrow. In my role as a friend, parent and a clinician my goal ia to offer support but not pity; to stress their strength while not ignoring their pain.
One’s trauma must be faced. Racism, sexism, homophobia, murder, war events, other tragic events and accidents of all types leave layers of pain which must be acknowledged, expressed and incorporated into one psyche. To not do so will result in major blocks in the body which prevent one from functioning at an optiimal level. These blocks can, if unaddressed, result on one reacting in anger. in abusing others or being unable to move outside of a tiny bubble of existence.
Children who have been suffered acute trauma are especially vulnerable to becoming lifelong trauma victims; living in a bubble of isolation which may or may not be assisted by the use and abuse of recreational drugs or even prescribed drugs; holding on to their anger and putting on the costume of the righteous arbiter of justice through mass shootings, oppressive, judgmental legislation or domestic violence.
Adults naturally want to protect and help children to heal from trauma. This is very laudable. Yet, it not careful, one may anticipate rather than observe and respond to the symptoms of trauma. Children will, if allowed, let adults know when they need support or help in processing and working through trauma. They may act out in anger, abuse other children, isolate, quit eating or sleeping, develop physical symptoms or otherwise deviate from their most functional self. Children can also fall into the trap of believing they are responsible for protecting or taking care of the adults in their lives. It is the job of parent figures to model how healthy people deal with tough situations. Children, if in a healthy environment, are very open with their feeling and thoughts. They may need guidance in how to safely express feelings without abusing others. They also need to know that it is okay to embrace life and normalize what they have gone through. Recently I saw a documentary filmed in Ukraine after the first Russian invasion. As was true with “The Diary of Anne Frank” one notices not only the trauma of living through war but the need to experience the ordinary, playful parts of life and even the pettiness which is a part of everyday life.
One of the most practical guides for dealing with trauma is the book, My Grandmother’s Hands by Resmaa Menakem. The exercises at the end of each chapter, often involving movement, can greatly assist in helping one heal without adopting the victim role. One will notice that following a trauma one is inclined to roll into ball as if one can block out the world. One needs to be able to move out of this paralyzing position and firmly claim one right to a healthy life dance. Children if in a healthy environment often instinctually know they have to stretch and move. For a time, if allowed, they will quickly switch from grief to joy. They will be small and quiet and then morph into large, active and noisy. It is the job of we adults to model and support this healthy, healing process.
Written June 4, 2022
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
What is that makes us so sure that we must know the answers to the difficult questions which plague us humans. Unlike other animals we humans tend to struggle over daily decisions of how to live our lives; how to treat ourselves and each other. All other animals are spared the agonizing over decision making models; designing algorithms which take into account the moral, ethical or practical factors which most effectively ensure the survival of their tribe as well assuring they are included in the Who’s Who of the species of which they are a member.
We are called to share with each other the struggle to live with the events which often leave deep emotional scars in the core of our being. Sometimes the events with have left these scars are a result of abuse. Abuse always carries the message that the life of the abused is less important than that of the abuser. The abuse might have left a loved one dead, severely disabled physically, mentally impaired or even “vegetable like” for the remainder of their life.
If differently abled physically or even vegetable like as a result of abuse, an accident or a force of nature one may have a difficult time accepting their current strengths and limitation. Often, however, with or without professional counseling and the passage of time, most come to some level of acceptance. Some will eventually come to see the events which resulted in the change in their life dance as a gift. They may, for example, discover talents and strengths which might otherwise have been neglected.
For example, a military pilot who was acutely injured in an accident learned the joy of being an at home, full time father which had a profound, positive affect on the trajectory of the lives of his children.
Some who have been abused or mistreated internalize the lies of the abuser and get stuck in a victim role. They may focus for the remainder of their lives on the fact that life has been unfair. Some therapists or counselors may unwittingly reinforce this angry or depressed life dance.
The goal of therapy is to empathically acknowledge the pain of abuse or other sad events while helping the patient/client uncover the new opportunities available to them. The line between pitying them as victims and honoring their pain may be narrow. In my role as a friend, parent and a clinician my goal ia to offer support but not pity; to stress their strength while not ignoring their pain.
One’s trauma must be faced. Racism, sexism, homophobia, murder, war events, other tragic events and accidents of all types leave layers of pain which must be acknowledged, expressed and incorporated into one psyche. To not do so will result in major blocks in the body which prevent one from functioning at an optiimal level. These blocks can, if unaddressed, result on one reacting in anger. in abusing others or being unable to move outside of a tiny bubble of existence.
Children who have been suffered acute trauma are especially vulnerable to becoming lifelong trauma victims; living in a bubble of isolation which may or may not be assisted by the use and abuse of recreational drugs or even prescribed drugs; holding on to their anger and putting on the costume of the righteous arbiter of justice through mass shootings, oppressive, judgmental legislation or domestic violence.
Adults naturally want to protect and help children to heal from trauma. This is very laudable. Yet, it not careful, one may anticipate rather than observe and respond to the symptoms of trauma. Children will, if allowed, let adults know when they need support or help in processing and working through trauma. They may act out in anger, abuse other children, isolate, quit eating or sleeping, develop physical symptoms or otherwise deviate from their most functional self. Children can also fall into the trap of believing they are responsible for protecting or taking care of the adults in their lives. It is the job of parent figures to model how healthy people deal with tough situations. Children, if in a healthy environment, are very open with their feeling and thoughts. They may need guidance in how to safely express feelings without abusing others. They also need to know that it is okay to embrace life and normalize what they have gone through. Recently I saw a documentary filmed in Ukraine after the first Russian invasion. As was true with “The Diary of Anne Frank” one notices not only the trauma of living through war but the need to experience the ordinary, playful parts of life and even the pettiness which is a part of everyday life.
One of the most practical guides for dealing with trauma is the book, My Grandmother’s Hands by Resmaa Menakem. The exercises at the end of each chapter, often involving movement, can greatly assist in helping one heal without adopting the victim role. One will notice that following a trauma one is inclined to roll into ball as if one can block out the world. One needs to be able to move out of this paralyzing position and firmly claim one right to a healthy life dance. Children if in a healthy environment often instinctually know they have to stretch and move. For a time, if allowed, they will quickly switch from grief to joy. They will be small and quiet and then morph into large, active and noisy. It is the job of we adults to model and support this healthy, healing process.
Written June 4, 2022
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
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