Surviving trauma - Finding a safe “we”
Many experience trauma in this life journey. Some, such as veterans, who will be honored in the United States November 11th, live with the trauma of having lived in constant danger for long periods of time. Some have survived trauma which include the loss of loved ones and, sometimes, the loss of body parts or abilities. Some are survivors of sexual assault, prison, or acute abuse by a parent, spouse, clergy person, teacher or other trusted person.
Amazingly, most trauma survivors seem to function fairly normally. Other will experience severe mental illness or turn to alcohol and/or other drugs to numb the pain. Still others will use the experience to grow stronger. This later group are often said to be resilient.
Researchers such as Dr. Rachel Yehuda study “how the effects of stress and trauma can transmit biologically, beyond cataclysmic events, to the next generation.” (On being rebroadcast November 9, 2017 of conversation between Dr. Yehuda and host Krista Tippett which originally took place on July 30, 2015). This research confirms and helps us to understand the scars which are imprinted on survivors and sometimes the children of survivors of traumas.
One of the issues which frequently needs to be addressed by trauma survivors is how to make safe, healthy decisions about who to trust. Often clients relay to me how incredibility lonely they are and what a hard shell they have built to house this lonely self. It is often difficult for trauma survivors to identify those who are trustworthy and to make the leap to trusting others. One of the secrets to not only surviving traumas is the loving support of a “we” – a small group of people who one can trust to love unconditionally and help to quit generalizing fear to all or most people.
I often make the following suggestions:
Healing from trauma(s) does not mean one erases one’s memory of the trauma (s). It may mean that one can claim or reclaim a life which includes the ability to relax and the support of a “we”.
Written November 11, 2017
Many experience trauma in this life journey. Some, such as veterans, who will be honored in the United States November 11th, live with the trauma of having lived in constant danger for long periods of time. Some have survived trauma which include the loss of loved ones and, sometimes, the loss of body parts or abilities. Some are survivors of sexual assault, prison, or acute abuse by a parent, spouse, clergy person, teacher or other trusted person.
Amazingly, most trauma survivors seem to function fairly normally. Other will experience severe mental illness or turn to alcohol and/or other drugs to numb the pain. Still others will use the experience to grow stronger. This later group are often said to be resilient.
Researchers such as Dr. Rachel Yehuda study “how the effects of stress and trauma can transmit biologically, beyond cataclysmic events, to the next generation.” (On being rebroadcast November 9, 2017 of conversation between Dr. Yehuda and host Krista Tippett which originally took place on July 30, 2015). This research confirms and helps us to understand the scars which are imprinted on survivors and sometimes the children of survivors of traumas.
One of the issues which frequently needs to be addressed by trauma survivors is how to make safe, healthy decisions about who to trust. Often clients relay to me how incredibility lonely they are and what a hard shell they have built to house this lonely self. It is often difficult for trauma survivors to identify those who are trustworthy and to make the leap to trusting others. One of the secrets to not only surviving traumas is the loving support of a “we” – a small group of people who one can trust to love unconditionally and help to quit generalizing fear to all or most people.
I often make the following suggestions:
- If you know a family members, another trauma survivor or at least one other person who may know a counselor who understands trauma healing ask them for help in connecting with this person.
- Be prepared to shop for a counselor. If the first, second or third one is not the right fit keep shopping.
- No matter how fearful one is feeling, remind oneself that most people are trustworthy.
- The dangers of generalizing or stereotyping aside, do not look for a diamond in the town landfill. One might indeed find a diamond there, but one would generally have better luck at a reputable jewelry store. That is to say, do not go the local bar, drug house, or other such places expecting to find a healthy, supportive person. Obviously one might meet a wonderful, healthy person anywhere, but the odds are better at some places than in others.
- Explore local trauma support or therapy groups.
- Expect to find those who honor and respect scars but who do not define one by one’s scars.
- Assume a person is trustworthy until one has evidence to the contrary. Do reality checks with one’s therapist or other trusted friend/individual.
- When one begins to feel anxiety, stop, breathe and see if one can identify a concrete reason for the feeling of danger.
- Explore with a trusted therapist, doctors and others the pros and cons of using medication and/or other aids.
- Take care of oneself as best as possible – physically, nutritionally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Healing from trauma(s) does not mean one erases one’s memory of the trauma (s). It may mean that one can claim or reclaim a life which includes the ability to relax and the support of a “we”.
Written November 11, 2017
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