The art of forgiveness
I was listening to Fresh Air producer Sam Briger interview the author Attica Locke about her new book Heaven, My Home. I urge the reader of this blog to listen to the interview.
During the course of the interview Ms. Locke talks about the concept and action of forgiveness. I have often thought about what forgiveness means to me. I know that Oxford Dictionary defines forgiveness as: “to stop feeling angry with somebody who has done something to harm, annoy or upset you; to stop being angry with yourself.”
The simple definition makes it seem as if the process of forgiveness is itself very simple and easy. Yet, many of us are overwhelmed with emotions when a survivor of a horrific event such as a mass shooting who has suffered a personal loss or losses quickly and unequivocally offers forgiveness to the person or persons committing that act.
It sometimes seems as if those who have suffered the most severe oppression are able to extend the act of forgiveness the easiest.
The author Robert Enright in his book Forgiveness is a Choice, A Step by Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope, points out, the primary beneficiary of forgiveness is the one doing the forgiving. Holding on to anger rather than focusing on problem solving is injurious to the health of individuals. Yet, many of us cannot imagine being able to forgive what often seem to us as an unforgivable act.
What then makes it possible for some to forgive? I suspect that forgiveness is possible when one accepts that the hurtful action:
What forgiveness does not do is:
It may sound trite and unrealistic, but it is true that when one refuses to accept the ball and play by the rules of the perpetrator of the violence; when one responses with a strong love one is immediately the stronger one in the relationship. If the goal of the perpetrator is to make one fearful and passive, then he or she has loss. As Bigger Thomas in Richard Wright’s Native Son says to the police person, “You can’t do nothin except kill me and that ain’t nothin.” The ability to simultaneously hold the sacredness of life in one palm and the truth that all that counts is how we live this moment in the other hand is an art which most of us will take a lifetime to master.
Written October 22, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
I was listening to Fresh Air producer Sam Briger interview the author Attica Locke about her new book Heaven, My Home. I urge the reader of this blog to listen to the interview.
During the course of the interview Ms. Locke talks about the concept and action of forgiveness. I have often thought about what forgiveness means to me. I know that Oxford Dictionary defines forgiveness as: “to stop feeling angry with somebody who has done something to harm, annoy or upset you; to stop being angry with yourself.”
The simple definition makes it seem as if the process of forgiveness is itself very simple and easy. Yet, many of us are overwhelmed with emotions when a survivor of a horrific event such as a mass shooting who has suffered a personal loss or losses quickly and unequivocally offers forgiveness to the person or persons committing that act.
It sometimes seems as if those who have suffered the most severe oppression are able to extend the act of forgiveness the easiest.
The author Robert Enright in his book Forgiveness is a Choice, A Step by Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope, points out, the primary beneficiary of forgiveness is the one doing the forgiving. Holding on to anger rather than focusing on problem solving is injurious to the health of individuals. Yet, many of us cannot imagine being able to forgive what often seem to us as an unforgivable act.
What then makes it possible for some to forgive? I suspect that forgiveness is possible when one accepts that the hurtful action:
- Had nothing to do with one. Certainly if one’s loved one was killed or one was directly the recipient of physical, emotional, verbal or sexual violence one was very affected. Yet one cannot cause another to hurt another. The person being hateful or hurtful has decided for their own reasons to act in a certain manner.
- Is a mirror for what we are all capable of doing. Although most of us will not arm ourselves and start shooting others at a school, shopping mall, church or some other place, we are all capable of judging and being hurtful to others.
- Requires a response demonstrating that violence is not the answer; that no matter how hateful or heidious the action it is possible to formulate a more constructive response which does not keep the chain of violence going.
- May be related to mental illness or some painful trauma which the person feels unable to accept or process.
- May be symbolic of an endemic issue for which we all bear some responsibility.
What forgiveness does not do is:
- Suggest that the violent act was acceptable.
- Suggest that it is okay to be passive and quiet.
- Suggest that one is now safe; that forgiveness heals the perpetrator.
It may sound trite and unrealistic, but it is true that when one refuses to accept the ball and play by the rules of the perpetrator of the violence; when one responses with a strong love one is immediately the stronger one in the relationship. If the goal of the perpetrator is to make one fearful and passive, then he or she has loss. As Bigger Thomas in Richard Wright’s Native Son says to the police person, “You can’t do nothin except kill me and that ain’t nothin.” The ability to simultaneously hold the sacredness of life in one palm and the truth that all that counts is how we live this moment in the other hand is an art which most of us will take a lifetime to master.
Written October 22, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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