The art of making tough decisions
Frequently when I am not writing it is because I do not want to deal with the fact that I have made a decision which does not feel good to me. The decision may have been one which I strongly felt needed to be made. I may have said to a client that I do not think that the treatment approach we have been following is working. I am not convinced that it is ethical to pretend with you that it is going to eventually work. Yet, there is always that reminder echoing in my head “Don’t give up just before the miracle.”
The decision may have been one which involved when or if to initiate action to remove children from the home of an active addict. This is a particularly tough decision. I already know that there is a shortage of foster homes in this state. I cannot be sure that there will be homes available which are safer for the children than the one in which they currently live. Removing children, even from an unsafe home, can be very traumatic for the children with long lasting negative effects. Leaving them in the home is traumatic. There are often no good solutions. If there are healthy grandparents who can financially and emotionally care of the children what is the toll on them?
All of us are faced with tough decisions. Tough decisions come with our status as humans, although some might argue that really tough decisions do not have to be made until one reaches adult status. I would argue that tough decisions have to be made from the time that we are very young. At what point do we directly or indirectly stand up to the bully? Should we teach our kindergarten children to report bullying to the teacher? What price might they pay for reporting the bully? How should we respond if classmates are talking disrespectfully about other classmates? If we keep our mouth shut as children are we more likely to keep them shut as adults? How many family secrets should children reveal to a teacher or other adult? Should a child talk to a teacher or, if available, a school counselor? Should active addiction by parents be reported? Should beatings leaving marks on the children be reported? How about domestic violence? Financial issues?
One might ask if we are spending enough time teaching children how to make tough decisions? Are we teaching them how to decide who to trust? Are teachers, school counselors, or clergy persons always safe?
My experience is that when faced with a a tough decision I need to consider the following:
· Am I justified in allowing fear to make a decision in this case?
· Is anyone in real danger or am I just disagreeing with the behavior?
· Am I merely personally offended or upset and just wanting to make someone else feel bad?
· Do I have some other motive such as hurt feelings and want to punish someone or make them feel bad?
· Is there a trusted person (adult/colleague/counselor/clergy) who can share the decision making process?
· Is my decision and consequent action going to put someone else in danger?
No matter how old I get I need to have trusted people in my support system who can help me make tough decisions. I am still responsible for the result of the decision, but I want and need to share the responsibility whenever possible.
We are not doing children or adults any favors by shielding them from making tough decisions. No one in the community is well served if we learn we are too fragile to face and make such decisions. If we believe that to be the case we contribute to the possibility that someone will use alcohol, other drugs, or some other means of escaping the uncomfortable feelings of making tough decisions.
Written February 25, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
Frequently when I am not writing it is because I do not want to deal with the fact that I have made a decision which does not feel good to me. The decision may have been one which I strongly felt needed to be made. I may have said to a client that I do not think that the treatment approach we have been following is working. I am not convinced that it is ethical to pretend with you that it is going to eventually work. Yet, there is always that reminder echoing in my head “Don’t give up just before the miracle.”
The decision may have been one which involved when or if to initiate action to remove children from the home of an active addict. This is a particularly tough decision. I already know that there is a shortage of foster homes in this state. I cannot be sure that there will be homes available which are safer for the children than the one in which they currently live. Removing children, even from an unsafe home, can be very traumatic for the children with long lasting negative effects. Leaving them in the home is traumatic. There are often no good solutions. If there are healthy grandparents who can financially and emotionally care of the children what is the toll on them?
All of us are faced with tough decisions. Tough decisions come with our status as humans, although some might argue that really tough decisions do not have to be made until one reaches adult status. I would argue that tough decisions have to be made from the time that we are very young. At what point do we directly or indirectly stand up to the bully? Should we teach our kindergarten children to report bullying to the teacher? What price might they pay for reporting the bully? How should we respond if classmates are talking disrespectfully about other classmates? If we keep our mouth shut as children are we more likely to keep them shut as adults? How many family secrets should children reveal to a teacher or other adult? Should a child talk to a teacher or, if available, a school counselor? Should active addiction by parents be reported? Should beatings leaving marks on the children be reported? How about domestic violence? Financial issues?
One might ask if we are spending enough time teaching children how to make tough decisions? Are we teaching them how to decide who to trust? Are teachers, school counselors, or clergy persons always safe?
My experience is that when faced with a a tough decision I need to consider the following:
· Am I justified in allowing fear to make a decision in this case?
· Is anyone in real danger or am I just disagreeing with the behavior?
· Am I merely personally offended or upset and just wanting to make someone else feel bad?
· Do I have some other motive such as hurt feelings and want to punish someone or make them feel bad?
· Is there a trusted person (adult/colleague/counselor/clergy) who can share the decision making process?
· Is my decision and consequent action going to put someone else in danger?
No matter how old I get I need to have trusted people in my support system who can help me make tough decisions. I am still responsible for the result of the decision, but I want and need to share the responsibility whenever possible.
We are not doing children or adults any favors by shielding them from making tough decisions. No one in the community is well served if we learn we are too fragile to face and make such decisions. If we believe that to be the case we contribute to the possibility that someone will use alcohol, other drugs, or some other means of escaping the uncomfortable feelings of making tough decisions.
Written February 25, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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