The beam in our eye
In the Christian bible, the Gospel according to Matthew, Chapter 7, 3-5 states:
3“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
Daily most of us hear, read about or are confronted in our personal and professional life with the devastation, cruelty and horror of alcohol and other drug addiction. Many of us also increasingly have to face the reality of the ease of the internet to feed sexual addiction. Whether on line, at one of the many locations for obtaining various state run lottery tickets, local casinos, race tracks or other venues gambling addiction is woven into the fabric of the life of many. It seems as if addictions to alcohol, other drugs, sex, and money are sucking the life force from our families and communities. It takes our time, energy, money, legal system and jails.
The so called war on drugs has been pitifully ineffective. (See Johann Hari’s book, Chasing Scream for an excellent history of the war on drugs and the reason it could not have worked.) Slowly that has been acknowledge and there are a more alternatives to incarcerating people. For a select few this has been much more helpful than the expensive legal options of trials, prisons and probation/parole. Yet, daily we continue to read about the availability of new street drugs or new lethal combination of street drugs. Daily we read about the death of our sons, daughter, husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, nephew, nieces, and other neighbors. We seem to be at a loss to stem the speed at which addiction steals life as we knew it or wanted it to be.
“Far From Heaven is a 2002 American drama film written and directed by Todd Haynes and starring Julianne Moore, Denis Quaid, Dennis Haybert and Patricia Clarkson.”(Wikipedia). It is the story which takes place in the 1950ies of this “perfect” family – executive husband, community involved mother, black maid, lovely parties and respectability. As the movie unfolds, however, alcohol abuse, sexual identify issues, infidelity issues, anger, and racism is revealed. There is nothing perfect except the poster. Healing cannot begin for any of the characters in this film until all the secrets or open wounds are revealed and addressed.
In Matthew’s account Jesus is stating that we need to look at our own issues before we try to address those of our brother. Perhaps, just perhaps, he is on to something. How is it that we have so narrowed our sights to see only a very limited range of additive behavior? Perhaps we need to take another look at how we understand addiction. We think of addiction to a behavior or a substance such a food, alcohol or other drugs. While it is certainly true that there are physiological changes in the brain as a result of using certain drugs. There is also a strong possibility that some addictive behavior is the result of a basic physiological problem which precedes the particular addiction. Many addicts begin by using certain drugs, substances or behavior to avoid dealing with parts of themselves or their history.
Wanting to avoid or escape ourselves seems to be a desire or behavior which is limited to humans. Only humans, as far as we can currently determine, often adopt a belief that it is not enough to be us. We look to avoid ourselves by numbing ourselves out or we look to prove that we are enough by accumulating power, money, things, or achievements. We seek to be better then or more than in order to prove our worth. We may even convince ourselves that we are superior and, if we do this well, we may earn the label of narcissist. Although we think of narcissist as the overly confident person, at heart he or she believes that they have to be more than in order to be admired if not loved. There is an article in the current issue of Psychology Today by Rebecca Weber entitled “The Real Narcissist” which quotes Craig Malkin the author of Rethinking Narcissism: “What all subtypes of narcissists have in common …is self enhancement. Their thoughts, behaviors, and statements set them apart from others, and this feeling of distinction soothes them, because they’re otherwise struggling with an unstable sense of self.” (Psychology Today, October 2016, p 57). Although this has certainly been my experience in working with those who are labeled as narcissists, it is good to have my professional experiences and observations confirmed.
If I am accurate and most addictive behaviors begin as an attempt to avoid ourselves and/or to prove our worth than it would seem that most humans are struggling with addictive behavior. If we include an attachment to or the seeking of money, power, sex, food, things, looks/the perfect body in an effort to prove our worth we are talking about a very large segment of the human race. One of the many things which I appreciate about the 12 step program (AA, NA, OA and others) the goal is to come to the same acceptance of self to which the Buddhist or some Christians strive. In fact, in most religious or spiritual practices the goal is to be honest about and accepting of who we are as humans. The paradox of course, is that the more we come to accept ourselves the better we function individually or as a member of the community.
The question then becomes, if the above is accurate: How does this understanding helps us reduce or overcome the addictive behavior including that addictive behavior which is so immediately damaging to the health of the individual addict, his or her family, and all with whom he or she comes in contact? We might as a start consider the following:
• Quit pretending as if those currently struggling with addiction to alcohol or other drugs is essentially different and that we cannot understand him or her.
• When someone is engaging in behavior which is dangerous to self or others make it easier to admit them to treatment.
• Treat addiction as the chronic illness that it is.
• Begin to teach daily spiritual practices of honestly, openmindedness and willingness to grow, learn and change very early in life. Accept that many parents are incapable of doing this and teach it in school (call it ethics, spirituality, r or whatever).
• Address the danger of violent video games.
• Become partners with children in exploring difficult issues and questions.
• Deal with underlying fears and not external behavior which may be attempts to mask or avoid the fear.
• Address issues of community and national addictive behavior. Reread books such as When Society Becomes an Addict by Anne Wilson Schaef (published way back in 1988). Drop the belief that our children will learn by what we say as a society and not notice that is not how we behave as a society.
• Decriminalize all drugs and close many of the prisons. Quit blaming drugs and recognize that if our goal is to avoid ourselves we will always find a way to do it. There are always others who will deal with their belief that they are not enough by accumulating wealth, power, etc. by growing, producing or manufacturing ways to do so.
• Last but not least start working on taking the beam out of our eyes and give ourselves the gift of clear sight.
Written October 9, 2016
In the Christian bible, the Gospel according to Matthew, Chapter 7, 3-5 states:
3“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
Daily most of us hear, read about or are confronted in our personal and professional life with the devastation, cruelty and horror of alcohol and other drug addiction. Many of us also increasingly have to face the reality of the ease of the internet to feed sexual addiction. Whether on line, at one of the many locations for obtaining various state run lottery tickets, local casinos, race tracks or other venues gambling addiction is woven into the fabric of the life of many. It seems as if addictions to alcohol, other drugs, sex, and money are sucking the life force from our families and communities. It takes our time, energy, money, legal system and jails.
The so called war on drugs has been pitifully ineffective. (See Johann Hari’s book, Chasing Scream for an excellent history of the war on drugs and the reason it could not have worked.) Slowly that has been acknowledge and there are a more alternatives to incarcerating people. For a select few this has been much more helpful than the expensive legal options of trials, prisons and probation/parole. Yet, daily we continue to read about the availability of new street drugs or new lethal combination of street drugs. Daily we read about the death of our sons, daughter, husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, nephew, nieces, and other neighbors. We seem to be at a loss to stem the speed at which addiction steals life as we knew it or wanted it to be.
“Far From Heaven is a 2002 American drama film written and directed by Todd Haynes and starring Julianne Moore, Denis Quaid, Dennis Haybert and Patricia Clarkson.”(Wikipedia). It is the story which takes place in the 1950ies of this “perfect” family – executive husband, community involved mother, black maid, lovely parties and respectability. As the movie unfolds, however, alcohol abuse, sexual identify issues, infidelity issues, anger, and racism is revealed. There is nothing perfect except the poster. Healing cannot begin for any of the characters in this film until all the secrets or open wounds are revealed and addressed.
In Matthew’s account Jesus is stating that we need to look at our own issues before we try to address those of our brother. Perhaps, just perhaps, he is on to something. How is it that we have so narrowed our sights to see only a very limited range of additive behavior? Perhaps we need to take another look at how we understand addiction. We think of addiction to a behavior or a substance such a food, alcohol or other drugs. While it is certainly true that there are physiological changes in the brain as a result of using certain drugs. There is also a strong possibility that some addictive behavior is the result of a basic physiological problem which precedes the particular addiction. Many addicts begin by using certain drugs, substances or behavior to avoid dealing with parts of themselves or their history.
Wanting to avoid or escape ourselves seems to be a desire or behavior which is limited to humans. Only humans, as far as we can currently determine, often adopt a belief that it is not enough to be us. We look to avoid ourselves by numbing ourselves out or we look to prove that we are enough by accumulating power, money, things, or achievements. We seek to be better then or more than in order to prove our worth. We may even convince ourselves that we are superior and, if we do this well, we may earn the label of narcissist. Although we think of narcissist as the overly confident person, at heart he or she believes that they have to be more than in order to be admired if not loved. There is an article in the current issue of Psychology Today by Rebecca Weber entitled “The Real Narcissist” which quotes Craig Malkin the author of Rethinking Narcissism: “What all subtypes of narcissists have in common …is self enhancement. Their thoughts, behaviors, and statements set them apart from others, and this feeling of distinction soothes them, because they’re otherwise struggling with an unstable sense of self.” (Psychology Today, October 2016, p 57). Although this has certainly been my experience in working with those who are labeled as narcissists, it is good to have my professional experiences and observations confirmed.
If I am accurate and most addictive behaviors begin as an attempt to avoid ourselves and/or to prove our worth than it would seem that most humans are struggling with addictive behavior. If we include an attachment to or the seeking of money, power, sex, food, things, looks/the perfect body in an effort to prove our worth we are talking about a very large segment of the human race. One of the many things which I appreciate about the 12 step program (AA, NA, OA and others) the goal is to come to the same acceptance of self to which the Buddhist or some Christians strive. In fact, in most religious or spiritual practices the goal is to be honest about and accepting of who we are as humans. The paradox of course, is that the more we come to accept ourselves the better we function individually or as a member of the community.
The question then becomes, if the above is accurate: How does this understanding helps us reduce or overcome the addictive behavior including that addictive behavior which is so immediately damaging to the health of the individual addict, his or her family, and all with whom he or she comes in contact? We might as a start consider the following:
• Quit pretending as if those currently struggling with addiction to alcohol or other drugs is essentially different and that we cannot understand him or her.
• When someone is engaging in behavior which is dangerous to self or others make it easier to admit them to treatment.
• Treat addiction as the chronic illness that it is.
• Begin to teach daily spiritual practices of honestly, openmindedness and willingness to grow, learn and change very early in life. Accept that many parents are incapable of doing this and teach it in school (call it ethics, spirituality, r or whatever).
• Address the danger of violent video games.
• Become partners with children in exploring difficult issues and questions.
• Deal with underlying fears and not external behavior which may be attempts to mask or avoid the fear.
• Address issues of community and national addictive behavior. Reread books such as When Society Becomes an Addict by Anne Wilson Schaef (published way back in 1988). Drop the belief that our children will learn by what we say as a society and not notice that is not how we behave as a society.
• Decriminalize all drugs and close many of the prisons. Quit blaming drugs and recognize that if our goal is to avoid ourselves we will always find a way to do it. There are always others who will deal with their belief that they are not enough by accumulating wealth, power, etc. by growing, producing or manufacturing ways to do so.
• Last but not least start working on taking the beam out of our eyes and give ourselves the gift of clear sight.
Written October 9, 2016
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