The deadliness of all “sins”
In my work with and for those struggling with learning how to more effectively cope with mental illness including addiction, other family issues, recovery from trauma or variety of other issues, one issue seems to come up more than any other. This is the issue of believing as if one has to or can do this life journey alone. There are several beliefs which seem to be connected to this core belief. They are:
I am sure that there are many other messages us humans often tell ourselves but these are the ones which I seem to most often hear. Not surprisingly, as a young man, they are the same messages I told myself. It is interesting to more closely examine these beliefs or assumptions.
It is weak to ask for help.
Actually, when one fails to ask for help whether one need practical, physical, or emotional support one uses up a lot of energy. One also isolates oneself – at least emotionally – and is unavailable to others. Strong people ask for help and are then able move on with life as part of a “we”.
I should not bother others.
It does not feel good to have others make decisions for one. All of us can decide for ourselves whether someone is a bother. If indeed, someone is asking for more than one is able or willing to give one can communicate and set those boundaries. Secondly, it does not feel good if one is always the receiver and not the giver in a relationship. All of us like to feel as if we have something important to offer whether it be time, presence, or something else. It makes for a feeling of a more equal and respectful relationship.
It is not safe to be vulnerable.
This one may or may not be true. Some of us may have previously decided that we can only share our story and get support from people who have no support to give and will only take advantage of any information we share. There are also a very few issues which need to he shared with people with a proven track record of being able to keep a secret and are in a legal position to do so. Sponsor in a 12-step program are always safe. If, however, one is in an abusive relationship with a child or in immediate danger of harming oneself or other person one needs to know the potential consequences of sharing specific details. Certainly, if one is thinking of harming oneself or another one needs to be willing to commit oneself for psychiatric care or allow a loved one to do that. Sharing information about ongoing abuse of a child will likely result in legal consequences but needs to be done. Sharing our fears, joys, shame, sadness and other feelings with another safe person will allow one to be the strong person one is. Not sharing as if one is an independent rock will leave one weak, alone and unable to help others.
What is going on with me is no one’s business.
What is going on with any of us at any time is not likely to be particularly interesting. Given the exceptions of the examples I gave in the last section, the detains of what is going on are not likely to be unique and of great interest to anyone. Our feelings including our fears and shame messages are of interest to those who love us – those we have allowed in our “we” . When we do not share our isolation and our use of those shields may be directly hurtful to others and will keep us unavailable to be supportive of others.
No one would understand. My issues are unique.
I have been doing this work for nearly 50 years. I have lived many more years than that. I have had my share of what I thought were unique or interesting issues. Personal and professional experience has taught me that there are no unique issues. There are just common, ordinary, human issues. Some may have been very hurtful to ourselves or others. Us humans are certainly capable of a wide range of behaviors which are exceedingly kind and exceedingly cruel. We do not want to excuse cruel behavior but, on the other hand, we cannot change the past. Sometimes we can make amends. We must put the past behind us. Holding on to the believe that we are the worst sinner or the most tragic victim will not allow one to heal and move on. Mentors, sponsors, spiritual directors, or therapist can help us learn to accept our humanness and our human experiences so that we can move forward with our life.
My behavior, including my decisions, do not affect others.
The truth is active, passive, positive and negative actions affect the universe. A smile or a frown can get passed on to an average of 10 people who may pass it on to 10 people each of whom will pass it on to an average of 10 people and so forth. As much as we have learned or decided we can live in a bubble on an island, the truth is that we are always part of an interconnected we.
What is the deadliness of “sins”? I suspect it is self-centeredness – thinking we are an “I” and not a “we”. It is deadly not only to ourselves but to the universe.
Written June 18, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
In my work with and for those struggling with learning how to more effectively cope with mental illness including addiction, other family issues, recovery from trauma or variety of other issues, one issue seems to come up more than any other. This is the issue of believing as if one has to or can do this life journey alone. There are several beliefs which seem to be connected to this core belief. They are:
- It is weak to ask for help.
- I should not bother others.
- It is not safe to be vulnerable.
- What is going on with me is no one’s business.
- No one else would understand. My issues are unique.
- My behavior, including my decisions, do not affect others.
I am sure that there are many other messages us humans often tell ourselves but these are the ones which I seem to most often hear. Not surprisingly, as a young man, they are the same messages I told myself. It is interesting to more closely examine these beliefs or assumptions.
It is weak to ask for help.
Actually, when one fails to ask for help whether one need practical, physical, or emotional support one uses up a lot of energy. One also isolates oneself – at least emotionally – and is unavailable to others. Strong people ask for help and are then able move on with life as part of a “we”.
I should not bother others.
It does not feel good to have others make decisions for one. All of us can decide for ourselves whether someone is a bother. If indeed, someone is asking for more than one is able or willing to give one can communicate and set those boundaries. Secondly, it does not feel good if one is always the receiver and not the giver in a relationship. All of us like to feel as if we have something important to offer whether it be time, presence, or something else. It makes for a feeling of a more equal and respectful relationship.
It is not safe to be vulnerable.
This one may or may not be true. Some of us may have previously decided that we can only share our story and get support from people who have no support to give and will only take advantage of any information we share. There are also a very few issues which need to he shared with people with a proven track record of being able to keep a secret and are in a legal position to do so. Sponsor in a 12-step program are always safe. If, however, one is in an abusive relationship with a child or in immediate danger of harming oneself or other person one needs to know the potential consequences of sharing specific details. Certainly, if one is thinking of harming oneself or another one needs to be willing to commit oneself for psychiatric care or allow a loved one to do that. Sharing information about ongoing abuse of a child will likely result in legal consequences but needs to be done. Sharing our fears, joys, shame, sadness and other feelings with another safe person will allow one to be the strong person one is. Not sharing as if one is an independent rock will leave one weak, alone and unable to help others.
What is going on with me is no one’s business.
What is going on with any of us at any time is not likely to be particularly interesting. Given the exceptions of the examples I gave in the last section, the detains of what is going on are not likely to be unique and of great interest to anyone. Our feelings including our fears and shame messages are of interest to those who love us – those we have allowed in our “we” . When we do not share our isolation and our use of those shields may be directly hurtful to others and will keep us unavailable to be supportive of others.
No one would understand. My issues are unique.
I have been doing this work for nearly 50 years. I have lived many more years than that. I have had my share of what I thought were unique or interesting issues. Personal and professional experience has taught me that there are no unique issues. There are just common, ordinary, human issues. Some may have been very hurtful to ourselves or others. Us humans are certainly capable of a wide range of behaviors which are exceedingly kind and exceedingly cruel. We do not want to excuse cruel behavior but, on the other hand, we cannot change the past. Sometimes we can make amends. We must put the past behind us. Holding on to the believe that we are the worst sinner or the most tragic victim will not allow one to heal and move on. Mentors, sponsors, spiritual directors, or therapist can help us learn to accept our humanness and our human experiences so that we can move forward with our life.
My behavior, including my decisions, do not affect others.
The truth is active, passive, positive and negative actions affect the universe. A smile or a frown can get passed on to an average of 10 people who may pass it on to 10 people each of whom will pass it on to an average of 10 people and so forth. As much as we have learned or decided we can live in a bubble on an island, the truth is that we are always part of an interconnected we.
What is the deadliness of “sins”? I suspect it is self-centeredness – thinking we are an “I” and not a “we”. It is deadly not only to ourselves but to the universe.
Written June 18, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
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