“The devil made me do it.”
When we are children we often decide that our parents will accept such excuses as “The devil made me do it.”. Healthy parents know that this is a developmental age appropriate attempt and just respond with “Good try. “ or perhaps asks the child to try again. The first mistake we parents make is asking why questions such as “Why did you eat a piece of candy knowing it was nearly time for dinner.” Of course the parent knows the answer. The child ate a piece of candy because they felt like it and it was available. The child would perhaps rather have more candy then eat a nutritious dinner. If the child responds truthfully to our why question they may be accused of sassing their parent. The child is forced to lie.
It would be encouraging if as adults we did not ask why questions such as “Why did you become defensive? Why don’t you answer the question truthfully? Why do you bully? Why did you cheat on me by having sex with another person? “ Why did you steal money? You knew it was wrong?” Why questions seldom lead to positive change or problem solving. I was impressed when a friend emailed this morning saying his daughter left the basement refrigerator door open and a lot of food spoiled. She thought it closed itself. He quickly accepted it was an accident and they proceeded to clean out the spoiled food. He did not ask why she left the door open. It was an accident.
1.It is often helpful to know how something happened so that one can change one’s future behavior. For example, I was talking to someone about the fact that the behavior of others might trigger a painful memory. One might respond to a person as if they are dangerous or abusive in some way. Our brain might confuse the current person with the past person. One can often observe this sort of reaction with those who have a traumatic history. This includes those who have lived through combat as a military person or a civilian. In this situation one wants to know how to retrain one’s brain to distinguish the past trauma and the current situation.
Why question, regardless of the intention, are often heard as accusatory, Most of us carry around many tons of guilt and shame. We do not need anyone scolding us. Being scolded does not help one figure out what is happening in one’s brain and how to have a healthier/more appropriate reaction in the future.
I can be 99.99% sure that any time I am having an acute or intense negative reaction to something someone else did – some indication that they are human – it is because some painful memory was triggered (shempa). If my gas tanks – emotional, physical, nutritional, spiritual – are empty or close to empty I am more likely to be triggered.
Bottom line: Another person is not causing me to behave in a certain manner. While it may be helpful at times to ask another person to not repeat certain behavior or to help one avoid objects or situation which triggers one it is up to the person being triggered to take ownership of the fact that one is being triggered.
Whether dealing with adult or a child we can do our best to avoid why questions We can ask, “What would be helpful or supportive?” Some times I know perfectly well what I did to cause an accident. I also know how I made that decision. I may still be young child who picks up a hot pie dish and drops it on the floor. I know perfectly well why I did that. I got impatient to enjoy a piece of pie. I now need to focus on cleaning up the mess and perhaps making another pie. The devil did not make me do it.
Written May 4, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
When we are children we often decide that our parents will accept such excuses as “The devil made me do it.”. Healthy parents know that this is a developmental age appropriate attempt and just respond with “Good try. “ or perhaps asks the child to try again. The first mistake we parents make is asking why questions such as “Why did you eat a piece of candy knowing it was nearly time for dinner.” Of course the parent knows the answer. The child ate a piece of candy because they felt like it and it was available. The child would perhaps rather have more candy then eat a nutritious dinner. If the child responds truthfully to our why question they may be accused of sassing their parent. The child is forced to lie.
It would be encouraging if as adults we did not ask why questions such as “Why did you become defensive? Why don’t you answer the question truthfully? Why do you bully? Why did you cheat on me by having sex with another person? “ Why did you steal money? You knew it was wrong?” Why questions seldom lead to positive change or problem solving. I was impressed when a friend emailed this morning saying his daughter left the basement refrigerator door open and a lot of food spoiled. She thought it closed itself. He quickly accepted it was an accident and they proceeded to clean out the spoiled food. He did not ask why she left the door open. It was an accident.
1.It is often helpful to know how something happened so that one can change one’s future behavior. For example, I was talking to someone about the fact that the behavior of others might trigger a painful memory. One might respond to a person as if they are dangerous or abusive in some way. Our brain might confuse the current person with the past person. One can often observe this sort of reaction with those who have a traumatic history. This includes those who have lived through combat as a military person or a civilian. In this situation one wants to know how to retrain one’s brain to distinguish the past trauma and the current situation.
Why question, regardless of the intention, are often heard as accusatory, Most of us carry around many tons of guilt and shame. We do not need anyone scolding us. Being scolded does not help one figure out what is happening in one’s brain and how to have a healthier/more appropriate reaction in the future.
I can be 99.99% sure that any time I am having an acute or intense negative reaction to something someone else did – some indication that they are human – it is because some painful memory was triggered (shempa). If my gas tanks – emotional, physical, nutritional, spiritual – are empty or close to empty I am more likely to be triggered.
Bottom line: Another person is not causing me to behave in a certain manner. While it may be helpful at times to ask another person to not repeat certain behavior or to help one avoid objects or situation which triggers one it is up to the person being triggered to take ownership of the fact that one is being triggered.
Whether dealing with adult or a child we can do our best to avoid why questions We can ask, “What would be helpful or supportive?” Some times I know perfectly well what I did to cause an accident. I also know how I made that decision. I may still be young child who picks up a hot pie dish and drops it on the floor. I know perfectly well why I did that. I got impatient to enjoy a piece of pie. I now need to focus on cleaning up the mess and perhaps making another pie. The devil did not make me do it.
Written May 4, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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