The discomfort of change
Most of us find a certain sense of security in what we know even if what we know does not bring the results that we want long term.
For example, I just talked to a friend who has nearly 60 days in recovery from active addiction. He was sharing that he has no idea who he is on any particular day. It is as if he wakes up and some part of him decides since he does not want to be the active addict engaging in addictive thinking and behavior he will have to try on a different personality for the day. Some days he has an almost overwhelming urge to return to behaviors which allowed him some measure of comfort if only for a brief time. I assured him that this is very normal. I also keep assuring him:
The discomfort all of us feels with or from change has to do with the illusion that there is something we call permanence. At another level most of us know and accept that the only constant is change. Little children who are neurologically and emotionally safe and healthy are excited about new experiences. Whether it is taking a first step, rolling over by themselves, experiencing a new taste, smell or texture, they get excited and are eager to share their excitement. What they do need to stay this open to change is the security of knowing that someone is going to lovingly care for their essential needs of food, clothing, cleanliness, freedom from wet or dirty diapers, a safe home, unconditional love and for most loving touch. As long as a young child has these essentials and do not have any acute medical conditions such as autism, heart issues or other conditions which affect basic functioning, they will thrive whether in a refugee camp, a one percent home or a home in the projects. Sonia Sotomayor, Associate Justice of the Supreme Court, grew up with an alcoholic father, living in the projects, and a diagnosis of diabetes by age 8 and, yet, she thrived. Although she had to learn some basic self-care for her and her younger brother she knew she was unconditionally loved. A friend of mine who spent part of her developmental years in a refugee camp was the adored child of her parents and early attracted the loving concern of others. Although there was anxiety and sadness which she carried with her to her adult life she knew she was a strong person deserving of basic rights.
I believe we all deserve the basics including unconditional love. I believe that we all deserve to know it is safe to let go of the illusion of security and embrace the possibility of what can be. I believe that we all have the core emotional strength to cope with life on life terms no matter what the next moment or the next chapter brings. I believe that we all deserve a safe home which is as much a psychological space as it is a physical space although, of course, it would not be good to be living without shelter from bitter cold or the burning heat. I believe we all deserve quality health care; the opportunity to live life to the fullest even though our days are always numbered.
If we learn to trust that our basic needs can be met we will learn that it is safe to embrace change. If we learn as adults that we have what we need for ourselves and loved ones we will embrace change as another opportunity to delight; as another opportunity to learn and to grow. It is our job as adults who already have this security to do all we can to ensure it is made available to others.
Written January 10, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
Most of us find a certain sense of security in what we know even if what we know does not bring the results that we want long term.
For example, I just talked to a friend who has nearly 60 days in recovery from active addiction. He was sharing that he has no idea who he is on any particular day. It is as if he wakes up and some part of him decides since he does not want to be the active addict engaging in addictive thinking and behavior he will have to try on a different personality for the day. Some days he has an almost overwhelming urge to return to behaviors which allowed him some measure of comfort if only for a brief time. I assured him that this is very normal. I also keep assuring him:
- He is not fragile; will not die of discomfort.
- He is a very good man who deserves unconditional love and respect.
- Change itself can become more a “normal” part of life and, thus, less uncomfortable.
- Permanence is an illusion.
- Addictive behavior never results in long term comfort and contentment.
- Addictive behavior leaves much wreckage which has always resulted in more disconnection for himself and, thus, for others and the universe.
The discomfort all of us feels with or from change has to do with the illusion that there is something we call permanence. At another level most of us know and accept that the only constant is change. Little children who are neurologically and emotionally safe and healthy are excited about new experiences. Whether it is taking a first step, rolling over by themselves, experiencing a new taste, smell or texture, they get excited and are eager to share their excitement. What they do need to stay this open to change is the security of knowing that someone is going to lovingly care for their essential needs of food, clothing, cleanliness, freedom from wet or dirty diapers, a safe home, unconditional love and for most loving touch. As long as a young child has these essentials and do not have any acute medical conditions such as autism, heart issues or other conditions which affect basic functioning, they will thrive whether in a refugee camp, a one percent home or a home in the projects. Sonia Sotomayor, Associate Justice of the Supreme Court, grew up with an alcoholic father, living in the projects, and a diagnosis of diabetes by age 8 and, yet, she thrived. Although she had to learn some basic self-care for her and her younger brother she knew she was unconditionally loved. A friend of mine who spent part of her developmental years in a refugee camp was the adored child of her parents and early attracted the loving concern of others. Although there was anxiety and sadness which she carried with her to her adult life she knew she was a strong person deserving of basic rights.
I believe we all deserve the basics including unconditional love. I believe that we all deserve to know it is safe to let go of the illusion of security and embrace the possibility of what can be. I believe that we all have the core emotional strength to cope with life on life terms no matter what the next moment or the next chapter brings. I believe that we all deserve a safe home which is as much a psychological space as it is a physical space although, of course, it would not be good to be living without shelter from bitter cold or the burning heat. I believe we all deserve quality health care; the opportunity to live life to the fullest even though our days are always numbered.
If we learn to trust that our basic needs can be met we will learn that it is safe to embrace change. If we learn as adults that we have what we need for ourselves and loved ones we will embrace change as another opportunity to delight; as another opportunity to learn and to grow. It is our job as adults who already have this security to do all we can to ensure it is made available to others.
Written January 10, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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