The gift of mistakes
There are mistakes and then there are mistakes. Personal experiences, observations, history and discussions with others tell me that there are several possible outcomes to mistakes:
Early parenting and teaching techniques will often determine how we view and treat mistakes. If we are very lucky teachers and parents helped us problem solve when we make a mistake. They held us accountable without shaming or belittling us. We then learned the most creative and intelligent people are comfortable making mistakes because they learn what does not work and move on to another approach. Those researching treatment, vaccines, or a cure for diseases may spend their professional career finding out what does not work. Scientists always begin with a null hypotheses. I often suggest that if most parents and teachers took this approach with children I might have to get a different job! Too often shame over past mistakes plays a huge role in the dance of life which many choreograph for themselves. When we are busy shaming ourselves we are not learning. We may, in fact, be busy avoiding the issues all together or avoiding the pain of the shame by numbing ourselves with alcohol, other drugs, sex or some other diversion. If this is the case we are destined to keep repeating the same mistakes.
The 12 step program created by Dr. Bob and Bill W. and used by many of those healing from various addictive behaviors focuses on teaching others that it is safe to be accountable and to make amends when “to do so would not harm them or others”. There is no mention or even suggestion of shame. The focus is on accepting responsibility - accepting that addictive behavior does not work - and making healthies choices.
We, as a society, have to take some responsibility for creating the conditions for making it difficult to admit mistakes, forego shame and make whatever changes we need to make to limit mistakes in the future. The conditions which foster a negative, self-defeating approach include:
Whether it is missing the signals that a pandemic was about to arrive, not being prepared for a pandemic or failing to heed medical advice we need to focus on being prepared to deal with the next pandemic more quickly and effectively. We also need to address a host of other issues including our relationship with climate change, unequal access to medical care, our expectations regarding mistakes in general, and affordable housing to name just a couple. We can spend a lot of our energy on shaming, blaming or avoiding. Alternatively we could focus on accurate diagnosis and problem solving.
Perhaps as some prepare for the beginning of Passover tonight, others continue with Holy week events and still others rejoice in the arrival of spring – new life – it is a good time to practice accountably and problem solving while letting go of blaming and shaming.
Written April 8, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett, LPC, AAC
coachpickett.org
There are mistakes and then there are mistakes. Personal experiences, observations, history and discussions with others tell me that there are several possible outcomes to mistakes:
- Not experiencing any negative consequences, learning nothing and continue repeating the same mistake.
- Experiencing negative consequences, blaming it on others people, places or things and learning nothing
- Being accountable , observing the point at which we made the wrong decision or turn and doing our best to not repeat.
- Wallowing in shame and regret, not being able to learn and repeating the same mistakes.
Early parenting and teaching techniques will often determine how we view and treat mistakes. If we are very lucky teachers and parents helped us problem solve when we make a mistake. They held us accountable without shaming or belittling us. We then learned the most creative and intelligent people are comfortable making mistakes because they learn what does not work and move on to another approach. Those researching treatment, vaccines, or a cure for diseases may spend their professional career finding out what does not work. Scientists always begin with a null hypotheses. I often suggest that if most parents and teachers took this approach with children I might have to get a different job! Too often shame over past mistakes plays a huge role in the dance of life which many choreograph for themselves. When we are busy shaming ourselves we are not learning. We may, in fact, be busy avoiding the issues all together or avoiding the pain of the shame by numbing ourselves with alcohol, other drugs, sex or some other diversion. If this is the case we are destined to keep repeating the same mistakes.
The 12 step program created by Dr. Bob and Bill W. and used by many of those healing from various addictive behaviors focuses on teaching others that it is safe to be accountable and to make amends when “to do so would not harm them or others”. There is no mention or even suggestion of shame. The focus is on accepting responsibility - accepting that addictive behavior does not work - and making healthies choices.
We, as a society, have to take some responsibility for creating the conditions for making it difficult to admit mistakes, forego shame and make whatever changes we need to make to limit mistakes in the future. The conditions which foster a negative, self-defeating approach include:
- Focus on punishment,
- Misdiagnosing the problem, i.e. labeling addicts and mentally ill people as criminals when the criminal activity is a symptom of the disease and not the disease.
- Fear of lawsuits.
- Fear of shame and loss of business, reputation or even career.
- Lack of humility; not teaching that we can be worthwhile and still admit to making mistakes
- Culture of blaming others which may often be related to fear of shaming and punishment.
Whether it is missing the signals that a pandemic was about to arrive, not being prepared for a pandemic or failing to heed medical advice we need to focus on being prepared to deal with the next pandemic more quickly and effectively. We also need to address a host of other issues including our relationship with climate change, unequal access to medical care, our expectations regarding mistakes in general, and affordable housing to name just a couple. We can spend a lot of our energy on shaming, blaming or avoiding. Alternatively we could focus on accurate diagnosis and problem solving.
Perhaps as some prepare for the beginning of Passover tonight, others continue with Holy week events and still others rejoice in the arrival of spring – new life – it is a good time to practice accountably and problem solving while letting go of blaming and shaming.
Written April 8, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett, LPC, AAC
coachpickett.org
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