Already this morning I had another reminder that I continue to have issues of control or, rather, issues related to not having control.
For whatever reason this morning I did not want to get out of bed even though I was wide awake at my normal time. Well, perhaps not “wide” awake, but certainly not asleep either. It is one of those lazy, Southern, humid days which reminds one who did not grow up in the South why people in the South move slower than we Northerners.
As is my habit, after shaving and dressing for the gym I sat down to do an hour of email and text messaging prior to going to the gym. It quickly became evident that I had no internet service. I unplugged the modem and the router as is always recommended. After waiting a few minutes, I plugged them in again. Nothing. Still no internet service. By this time I was at least 20 minutes behind schedule. Now, this is not a big deal. While I had a list of tasks I wanted to accomplish prior to seeing my first scheduled client of the day there was nothing that “had” to be done this morning. If this is the case, what possible difference could it make if I was unable to do email at my scheduled time? What difference does it make if some of the other tasks on the list have to be rescheduled for tomorrow? Whether or not these tasks gets done in the time frame I had decided is not important. If I die tomorrow and they were not done this would not cause any harm to anyone or make any significant difference in my life or the life of anyone close to me. Yet, there is this internal alarm that goes off in me which says that “This is a big deal.” When some part of my mind decided that something is a big deal and I am not able to tend to what tasks which is setting off this alarm, then I am aware of an internal anxiety which I will experience as frustration, anger or just this general sense of dis ease.
Clearly, I am quicker to recognize how silly all this is than I used to. In fact almost immediately when I begin to feel this sense of frustration or dis-ease I know that it is because of my lack of acceptance of the fact that I have no control. I have known for a very long time that any belief, feeling or behavior which indicates that I am in control of anything is an illusion or delusion! I cannot count on being well enough to get out of bed, to take care of myself once I get out of bed or to accomplish any other task.
Theoretically, as my friend Dr. Johnen would point out, any change is an opportunity. Thus, if I am put on hold while trying to resolve some issue, this is an opportunity to practice spiritual acceptance, to laugh at myself, to put the phone on speaker phone and sort through that ever increasing stack of “papers” on my desk. Theoretically, I could be grateful for this gift of time. Am I? Hardly! At least that is not my first or second or third thought. My first thought is, “Don’t these people know my time is important? What happened to change the fact that I used to be able to pick up my old, rotary or later touch dial phone, get an operator and get connected to a live human being who would be more than pleased to be of service to me. That was how many years ago? That is not how my world has functioned for a long time. Why would I even expect such service? I know better than to expect such service. I have had a very long time to get used to the fact that many people have been replaced with automated phone systems which do not involve a live human being and, if it eventually involved a life human being she or she may or may not have the same language I do as their primary one.
I many other ways I have more immediate access to many people in all parts of the world than I did 10, 20 or 50 years ago. I now can email my friends in Australia and the very next time they check their email they will find my note has arrived. In fact, their smart phone may alert them with a bell or some other melodious reminder that a message has arrived in their email box. No longer do I wait six weeks to exchange a letter with these particular friends. There was clearly a time in my life when I wrote a letter and it went by boat to Australia, got read and responded to and then the return letter took another three weeks all for the relatively low price of postage. In those days one did not pick up the phone and make an “overseas” call unless it was a dire emergency. One might occasonally spring for the extra money to send the letter via airmail. Airmail was more expensive than boat mail.
I suppose I am just reminding myself that the world has changed and will keep on changing. Change, after all, is the only constant. Both my Christian Faith and my Buddhist philosophy remind me that there is nothing solid or permanent. All is is flux. The Presocratic Philosopher Heraclitus is quoted as saying:
δὶς ἐς τὸν αὐτὸν ποταμὸν οὐκ ἂν ἐμβαίης.
• You could not step twice into the same river.
As quoted in Plato, Cratylus, 402a.
(copied from Wikiquote)
At some level we humans have always know that nothing is solid. Many college papers have been written on this subject. We get constant reminders. Yet, apparently a part of me expects to be able to act as if I have some control and to have the right to be frustrated, anxious, indignant, angry or any reaction other than calm acceptance of this basic truth - of this spiritual reminder.
I would love to immediately say to myself “Ah! Another reminder; another opportunity to practice spiritual acceptance.” I am not there most of the time!. The best I can do is to laugh at myself and resolve, once again, to remind myself of basic truth which is not a big deal.
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