The inconvenience of relationships!
Again, today I was acutely reminded that relationship with myself, children, partners, other family members, co-workers, or that stranger who is just in need of a kind word are freqjently not convenient. After all, relationships take away time from those tasks which I have decided are important. Cleaning, doing the job which brings in income, cooking, riding my bicycle, working out, writing my daily (almost daily) blog, seeing a movie, reading a book, or any one of a number of other tasks are not going to get done if I keep taking time out to nurture others or myself.
Occasionally, some of us refuse to make a choice and decide we will multi-task. Perhaps we will read the newspapers while listing to our partner share their day. Perhaps we will keep cleaning the kitchen when our children or partner want our undivided attention. The result is usually that the task does not get done well and the loved one does not feel listened to. Of course, there is the option of visiting while sharing a task such as fixing dinner for the family or cleaning the house. My friend Becky stays very clear about her priorities. Often, she will email me that she started out changing the bed or doing some other task and was “interrupted” by a phone call or even by the cats. She is clear that if someone needs to talk or the cats need attention that takes precedence over getting the bed changed in a timely manner. Of course, the fact that some of the time her schedule is a bit more flexible than it used to be helps, but even when she had a full time professional job which demanded a lot she always made time if someone needed to talk. Obviously, one might need to negotiate a different time or even day when one is in the midst of honoring a prior commitment to another person(s).
Not only do important relationships interrupt our very important schedule, they also interrupt our need to prove that we are right, that we are in charge or we are important. The other person may just need to know that we are listening; we take their opinions or concerns seriously. They often do not need us to problem solve, tell them the right thing to do or remind them of their past mistakes or “sins”. In other words, we may need to put our feelings, needs or agenda aside to be quietly present. Naturally, there will be times when our behavior does not feel validating to the concerns or needs of the other person. Recently, a friend needed to choose between doing something which would make his current partner feel as if he was listening to her and the needs of his child from a previous relationship. He took the time to listen to her concerns, but he still needed to make a decision with which she disagreed.
It is easy for me to say that I am putting relationships at the top of my priority list when it is convenient or feels good. It is sometimes uncomfortable being with myself in an open, honest manner. It also may not be convenient because the honestly leads to other decisions. I find that when my “important” schedule gets interrupted by long phone calls from friends or clients who just need to talk I have to be very intentional about reminding myself to breathe and be present instead of silently wishing the phone call would end soon so I could get back to writing, cleaning or other important tasks. Not infrequently the task I want to get done is also intended to be nurturing to others and, yet, I have an opportunity to be nurturing right that moment. I then have to ask myself if I truly want the inconvenience of relationships or I merely want others to think that I am nurturing! Goodness that level of honesty might be very inconvenient! Oh well!
Written October 12, 2018
Again, today I was acutely reminded that relationship with myself, children, partners, other family members, co-workers, or that stranger who is just in need of a kind word are freqjently not convenient. After all, relationships take away time from those tasks which I have decided are important. Cleaning, doing the job which brings in income, cooking, riding my bicycle, working out, writing my daily (almost daily) blog, seeing a movie, reading a book, or any one of a number of other tasks are not going to get done if I keep taking time out to nurture others or myself.
Occasionally, some of us refuse to make a choice and decide we will multi-task. Perhaps we will read the newspapers while listing to our partner share their day. Perhaps we will keep cleaning the kitchen when our children or partner want our undivided attention. The result is usually that the task does not get done well and the loved one does not feel listened to. Of course, there is the option of visiting while sharing a task such as fixing dinner for the family or cleaning the house. My friend Becky stays very clear about her priorities. Often, she will email me that she started out changing the bed or doing some other task and was “interrupted” by a phone call or even by the cats. She is clear that if someone needs to talk or the cats need attention that takes precedence over getting the bed changed in a timely manner. Of course, the fact that some of the time her schedule is a bit more flexible than it used to be helps, but even when she had a full time professional job which demanded a lot she always made time if someone needed to talk. Obviously, one might need to negotiate a different time or even day when one is in the midst of honoring a prior commitment to another person(s).
Not only do important relationships interrupt our very important schedule, they also interrupt our need to prove that we are right, that we are in charge or we are important. The other person may just need to know that we are listening; we take their opinions or concerns seriously. They often do not need us to problem solve, tell them the right thing to do or remind them of their past mistakes or “sins”. In other words, we may need to put our feelings, needs or agenda aside to be quietly present. Naturally, there will be times when our behavior does not feel validating to the concerns or needs of the other person. Recently, a friend needed to choose between doing something which would make his current partner feel as if he was listening to her and the needs of his child from a previous relationship. He took the time to listen to her concerns, but he still needed to make a decision with which she disagreed.
It is easy for me to say that I am putting relationships at the top of my priority list when it is convenient or feels good. It is sometimes uncomfortable being with myself in an open, honest manner. It also may not be convenient because the honestly leads to other decisions. I find that when my “important” schedule gets interrupted by long phone calls from friends or clients who just need to talk I have to be very intentional about reminding myself to breathe and be present instead of silently wishing the phone call would end soon so I could get back to writing, cleaning or other important tasks. Not infrequently the task I want to get done is also intended to be nurturing to others and, yet, I have an opportunity to be nurturing right that moment. I then have to ask myself if I truly want the inconvenience of relationships or I merely want others to think that I am nurturing! Goodness that level of honesty might be very inconvenient! Oh well!
Written October 12, 2018
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