The irrationality of blame
I have often written about the futility of anger and blame. Having said that, I do, of course, accept that we are human which a priori suggests that we are often irrational. One of the most common irrational statements which I hear concerns the act of blaming. Blaming has to do with one’s expectations that others will consistently behave in a way which seems rational. That of course assumes that others are always emotionally, physically and intellectually able to make decisions to behave in a manner which one seems rational to others . This is itself an irrational assumption. Let us consider several examples.
Example 1: A young man who is seemingly doing well, very bright, working a 12 step program, and is excited about reclaiming a life of which he can be proud “suddenly” is discovered to have relapsed and is found in a crack house. Family members, sponsor, friends and health care workers may be angry that he his actions have made it seem as if he did not care about all the assistance they have given him and how his relapse affects them. They accuse him of being self-centered – of not caring for anyone other than himself. They blame him for adding stress to their lives. Yet they know that (1) Addiction is a chronic illness.(2) It is very difficult to change habits which have been chiseled into one’s brain (3. Their behavior does not always seem rational to others. and (4) This young man is doing the best he can just for today. (5) At one level the behavior of the addict is very rational in that it does temporarily relieve discomfort.
Example 2: A young woman is not chosen to play a role in an important family event. She feels treated the same as other invited guests who are not family members. She is convinced she is justified in being angry and blames certain members of the family for her anger. She even considers changing her last name. This bright woman knows that (1) Individuals make decisions for a variety of reasons which affect others but are not about them. (2) Although family member are sad they are getting on with their lives with or without her. (3)She wants to be treated with love and respect as the imperfect human she is but wants to hold others to a higher standard.
Examples 3: A young man feels an internal void and is fearful of being alone. He looks for a dating relationship with someone who will temporarily make him feel less alone. He knows that a healthy person does not want to be emotionally responsible for making him feel okay about himself. He therefore dates women who he perceives as more needy and unhealthy than him. When he is unable to “fix” her and she behaves in an unhealthy manner he is hurt and angry. He knows that (1) He has never been successful in fixing an unhealthy dating partner. (2) We humans do the best we can with the tools we have available. (3)Her behavior has nothing to do with him but does affect him. (4) Until he faces his fear of being with himself he will continue to date women who do not have what he wants in a relationship. He will use them just as they are using him.
I am sure all of us can list many examples of individuals, families, communities, organizations and even countries who believe their angry blaming is justified and who believe their determination to punish others for causing their angry response is rational behavior. The current covid 19 pandemic provides many opportunities for blaming individuals, organizations and even countries. An alternative truth seems to be that many countries and organizations for a variety of economic, political and emotional reasons were unprepared to deal with a pandemic. It would seem rational for all countries and originations to now work together to get the current pandemic under control and together prepare for the next pandemic. If history is to be trusted another pandemic will eventually visit.
Whether we are looking at individuals, families, communities, nations or global groups and organization one might want to consider:
Written April 15, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
I have often written about the futility of anger and blame. Having said that, I do, of course, accept that we are human which a priori suggests that we are often irrational. One of the most common irrational statements which I hear concerns the act of blaming. Blaming has to do with one’s expectations that others will consistently behave in a way which seems rational. That of course assumes that others are always emotionally, physically and intellectually able to make decisions to behave in a manner which one seems rational to others . This is itself an irrational assumption. Let us consider several examples.
Example 1: A young man who is seemingly doing well, very bright, working a 12 step program, and is excited about reclaiming a life of which he can be proud “suddenly” is discovered to have relapsed and is found in a crack house. Family members, sponsor, friends and health care workers may be angry that he his actions have made it seem as if he did not care about all the assistance they have given him and how his relapse affects them. They accuse him of being self-centered – of not caring for anyone other than himself. They blame him for adding stress to their lives. Yet they know that (1) Addiction is a chronic illness.(2) It is very difficult to change habits which have been chiseled into one’s brain (3. Their behavior does not always seem rational to others. and (4) This young man is doing the best he can just for today. (5) At one level the behavior of the addict is very rational in that it does temporarily relieve discomfort.
Example 2: A young woman is not chosen to play a role in an important family event. She feels treated the same as other invited guests who are not family members. She is convinced she is justified in being angry and blames certain members of the family for her anger. She even considers changing her last name. This bright woman knows that (1) Individuals make decisions for a variety of reasons which affect others but are not about them. (2) Although family member are sad they are getting on with their lives with or without her. (3)She wants to be treated with love and respect as the imperfect human she is but wants to hold others to a higher standard.
Examples 3: A young man feels an internal void and is fearful of being alone. He looks for a dating relationship with someone who will temporarily make him feel less alone. He knows that a healthy person does not want to be emotionally responsible for making him feel okay about himself. He therefore dates women who he perceives as more needy and unhealthy than him. When he is unable to “fix” her and she behaves in an unhealthy manner he is hurt and angry. He knows that (1) He has never been successful in fixing an unhealthy dating partner. (2) We humans do the best we can with the tools we have available. (3)Her behavior has nothing to do with him but does affect him. (4) Until he faces his fear of being with himself he will continue to date women who do not have what he wants in a relationship. He will use them just as they are using him.
I am sure all of us can list many examples of individuals, families, communities, organizations and even countries who believe their angry blaming is justified and who believe their determination to punish others for causing their angry response is rational behavior. The current covid 19 pandemic provides many opportunities for blaming individuals, organizations and even countries. An alternative truth seems to be that many countries and organizations for a variety of economic, political and emotional reasons were unprepared to deal with a pandemic. It would seem rational for all countries and originations to now work together to get the current pandemic under control and together prepare for the next pandemic. If history is to be trusted another pandemic will eventually visit.
Whether we are looking at individuals, families, communities, nations or global groups and organization one might want to consider:
- Although anger might, at times be an understandable response, its purpose is not to problem solve. We might, at times, use anger as an alert for problem solving.
- Punishment/treating other badly never leads to permanent positive change.
- Individuals and organizations are going to continue to behave in a way which seems rational to them.
- No person or organization causes another person or organization to be angry or to behave in any manner, but all behavior affects others.
- No one has yet devised a “rational” method for judging who is worthy of “throwing the first stone”.
- Acceptance of the humanness of each other can be a stepping stone to trust and learning to live together cooperatively.
Written April 15, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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