The journey of becoming a father.
Today, June 19, 2016 is a day set aside to honor the fathers in the United States of America. Although some might claim that such days as this are merely to insure that greeting card companies and retailer have yet another opportunity to pressure people to spend money, it is for me a good opportunity to honor the journey of both my father and my son.
As was true for many, if not most, of we adults, I came to fatherhood totally unprepared. Of course, I had the role model of my own father and my favorite uncle (the father and uncle I created in my memory. Sadly, the role model I created of my father was shaped by the fact that I had yet to take ownership of my own emotions and essence. I was a very early work in progress. Today, at 76 I am still a work in progress, but at 30 when I son was born I was still in the process of leaning to separate the me that I thought I should be from the me who was in the process of taking ownership. Although my relationship with my Uncle Happy (Harold) was much less complicated, I had idealized him to such an extent that I could not even hope to become a poor imitation.
Today, I often ask myself the question: “What is my spiritual goal as a person who happens to be a father, friend, sibling, uncle, and community member?” Despite the fact that, at 30, I was well on the path to becoming ordained as a minister, I was too busy being a new father, a husband, a worker, a student, a civil rights activist, and a person preparing for ordination exams in the Presbyterian Church to consider the possibility that my various role associated tasks to be still long enough to ask myself the question. I was, after all, being a good, responsible person to be spiritual.
Now, these many days and years later, I am acutely aware that I am a much different father than I was 44 or even 15 years ago. Of course, the fact that my son is now 44 years old means that my task responsibilities are much different. He does not need me to take care of him financially or emotionally. He takes care of himself financially and has friends who love him. He has his own home geographically far away from where I am living.
I am myself, still a son although my father and my Uncle Happy have been dead for many years. Of course, they (as the persons I have created) and their example continue to live in my head and my heart.
I would like to think that I am a much better father today than I was when my son was younger. Although it seems to make sense from an energy standpoint that we have children when we are young, it makes no sense that we would have them when we are not even wise enough to know that we know absolutely nothing.
I recall that when my son was still very young that we packed up some of the possessions we had accumulated, sold off many others, and headed to the village of Hoonah, Alaska. In my memory when we arrived we were greeted by two of the Tlingit Elders, David and Mimmie. They announced to my wife, Beverly, our nearly two-year-old son Jamie, and myself, “Jamie has no grandparents here. We will be his grandparents. And you, young, man, David announced to me. You know nothing about being a man. I will teach you to be a man.” Thereafter every day or nearly every day I would sit with David while he carved and told me stories to illustrate to me what it means to be a man. Although I have always been a writer, I have long ago lost any record, if one existed, of those stories. No details of those stories come to mind although I have no doubt of the fact that these stories had an enormous impact on me. Just the fact that someone would take the time to lovingly teach me said a lot. The assumption that I knew nothing about being a man was not an insult. It was just assumed that, at age 32, I was much too young to know anything
I am not sure that I left here much wiser except as many of us now know, often the sagest wisdom comes from knowing that one does not know anything and do not have to know anything. Naturally not knowing does not alleviate the responsibility for making educated guesses about how best to act or even to venture an educated opinion now and then.
Today my wonderful son reminded me that he, too, is in the process of becoming. He connected with some other wise geeks and was able to proudly announce that he felt more at home with these groups of people than he ever has with anyone. The fact that he can proudly make this announcement makes his dad very proud and more relaxed.
All of we father (and mothers) want to know that our children are:
I think that is the essence of what we father (and mothers) want to know. Of course, the human part of us will be pleased if we remembered on father’s day as well as through the year, but that is not a requirement to gain our love.
My spiritual goal today is to take the time to remind myself of who I want to be as a father today – to be my best for today and to accept my son’s choices and journey. In other words, to model being intentional with the tiny steps I will take in this process of becoming. Just for today.
Written June 19, 2016
Today, June 19, 2016 is a day set aside to honor the fathers in the United States of America. Although some might claim that such days as this are merely to insure that greeting card companies and retailer have yet another opportunity to pressure people to spend money, it is for me a good opportunity to honor the journey of both my father and my son.
As was true for many, if not most, of we adults, I came to fatherhood totally unprepared. Of course, I had the role model of my own father and my favorite uncle (the father and uncle I created in my memory. Sadly, the role model I created of my father was shaped by the fact that I had yet to take ownership of my own emotions and essence. I was a very early work in progress. Today, at 76 I am still a work in progress, but at 30 when I son was born I was still in the process of leaning to separate the me that I thought I should be from the me who was in the process of taking ownership. Although my relationship with my Uncle Happy (Harold) was much less complicated, I had idealized him to such an extent that I could not even hope to become a poor imitation.
Today, I often ask myself the question: “What is my spiritual goal as a person who happens to be a father, friend, sibling, uncle, and community member?” Despite the fact that, at 30, I was well on the path to becoming ordained as a minister, I was too busy being a new father, a husband, a worker, a student, a civil rights activist, and a person preparing for ordination exams in the Presbyterian Church to consider the possibility that my various role associated tasks to be still long enough to ask myself the question. I was, after all, being a good, responsible person to be spiritual.
Now, these many days and years later, I am acutely aware that I am a much different father than I was 44 or even 15 years ago. Of course, the fact that my son is now 44 years old means that my task responsibilities are much different. He does not need me to take care of him financially or emotionally. He takes care of himself financially and has friends who love him. He has his own home geographically far away from where I am living.
I am myself, still a son although my father and my Uncle Happy have been dead for many years. Of course, they (as the persons I have created) and their example continue to live in my head and my heart.
I would like to think that I am a much better father today than I was when my son was younger. Although it seems to make sense from an energy standpoint that we have children when we are young, it makes no sense that we would have them when we are not even wise enough to know that we know absolutely nothing.
I recall that when my son was still very young that we packed up some of the possessions we had accumulated, sold off many others, and headed to the village of Hoonah, Alaska. In my memory when we arrived we were greeted by two of the Tlingit Elders, David and Mimmie. They announced to my wife, Beverly, our nearly two-year-old son Jamie, and myself, “Jamie has no grandparents here. We will be his grandparents. And you, young, man, David announced to me. You know nothing about being a man. I will teach you to be a man.” Thereafter every day or nearly every day I would sit with David while he carved and told me stories to illustrate to me what it means to be a man. Although I have always been a writer, I have long ago lost any record, if one existed, of those stories. No details of those stories come to mind although I have no doubt of the fact that these stories had an enormous impact on me. Just the fact that someone would take the time to lovingly teach me said a lot. The assumption that I knew nothing about being a man was not an insult. It was just assumed that, at age 32, I was much too young to know anything
I am not sure that I left here much wiser except as many of us now know, often the sagest wisdom comes from knowing that one does not know anything and do not have to know anything. Naturally not knowing does not alleviate the responsibility for making educated guesses about how best to act or even to venture an educated opinion now and then.
Today my wonderful son reminded me that he, too, is in the process of becoming. He connected with some other wise geeks and was able to proudly announce that he felt more at home with these groups of people than he ever has with anyone. The fact that he can proudly make this announcement makes his dad very proud and more relaxed.
All of we father (and mothers) want to know that our children are:
- Comfortable in or with their own skin being exactly who they are in the process of becoming.
- That the can take care of their practical needs – food, housing, clothing, etc.
- That they have people in their lives who love them unconditionally.
- That they have the courage to think and act for themselves even if their thoughts and actions are vastly different then mom and dad’s.
- That they have a safe, nurturing home.
- That they know their passions and are able to feed and express them.
- That they know that our love is unconditional.
- That they know we are fine and that they do not have to make choices consistent with our values and choices.
I think that is the essence of what we father (and mothers) want to know. Of course, the human part of us will be pleased if we remembered on father’s day as well as through the year, but that is not a requirement to gain our love.
My spiritual goal today is to take the time to remind myself of who I want to be as a father today – to be my best for today and to accept my son’s choices and journey. In other words, to model being intentional with the tiny steps I will take in this process of becoming. Just for today.
Written June 19, 2016
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