The many layers of anger
No reader will be surprised that in my counseling work both the topic and experience of anger is frequently present. Many people have attempted to dissect the emotion and substance of anger. Today there are 101 books listed on Amazon under the subject of anger. I still appreciate two of the earlier attempts to explore anger: Anger the Misunderstood Emotion by Carol Tavris and The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. Anger has often been described as a secondary emotion; an emotion to cover up a more uncomfortable emotion. I suspect that is often the case. All of us have had the experience of expressing anger when we did not want to share how sad, disappointed, or fearful we were. Many of us have also experienced anger as outrage, i.e. “How dare a person such as a clergy person, counselor, boss or other person in authority treat me as an object to meet their needs?” or “How dare X institution pretend to care about people and treat many as disposal or easily replaceable robots? or “How dare the god I was told was all knowing and all loving allow the death of my child?” Occasionally, some of us can use anger as a righteous weapon. We can do this as partner, friend, boss, neighbor or even citizen. For example, some of us use righteous anger if someone dares to criticize a family member, a sports star or a country. It seems easy for many of us to get attached to a need for others to agree with our loyalties or opinions.
It seems as if anger is often tied to the fact that a person or institution does not measure up to our expectations. We can and often do get angry at ourselves for not measuring up to our expectations. Sometimes anger at ourselves is followed by a deep sense of hopelessness. Failing an exam, not making the cut for a sports team, not winning the music competition, not executing a perfect dance movement in a competition, not connecting with an audience when making a speech or leading a workshop, or not being able to just say no and stop an addictive behavior can also be used as justifications for subjecting ourselves to fierce punishment; even to the extent of giving up on ourselves and deciding to commit suicide or retreat for the rest of his life journey.
Some of us label anger as good/bad, right/wrong, or moral/immoral. Some of us attempt to deny our anger and allow it to do extensive damage to our entire physical system.
What can be we say about anger with some degree of certitude? We can, I believe, say:
Written January 14, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
No reader will be surprised that in my counseling work both the topic and experience of anger is frequently present. Many people have attempted to dissect the emotion and substance of anger. Today there are 101 books listed on Amazon under the subject of anger. I still appreciate two of the earlier attempts to explore anger: Anger the Misunderstood Emotion by Carol Tavris and The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. Anger has often been described as a secondary emotion; an emotion to cover up a more uncomfortable emotion. I suspect that is often the case. All of us have had the experience of expressing anger when we did not want to share how sad, disappointed, or fearful we were. Many of us have also experienced anger as outrage, i.e. “How dare a person such as a clergy person, counselor, boss or other person in authority treat me as an object to meet their needs?” or “How dare X institution pretend to care about people and treat many as disposal or easily replaceable robots? or “How dare the god I was told was all knowing and all loving allow the death of my child?” Occasionally, some of us can use anger as a righteous weapon. We can do this as partner, friend, boss, neighbor or even citizen. For example, some of us use righteous anger if someone dares to criticize a family member, a sports star or a country. It seems easy for many of us to get attached to a need for others to agree with our loyalties or opinions.
It seems as if anger is often tied to the fact that a person or institution does not measure up to our expectations. We can and often do get angry at ourselves for not measuring up to our expectations. Sometimes anger at ourselves is followed by a deep sense of hopelessness. Failing an exam, not making the cut for a sports team, not winning the music competition, not executing a perfect dance movement in a competition, not connecting with an audience when making a speech or leading a workshop, or not being able to just say no and stop an addictive behavior can also be used as justifications for subjecting ourselves to fierce punishment; even to the extent of giving up on ourselves and deciding to commit suicide or retreat for the rest of his life journey.
Some of us label anger as good/bad, right/wrong, or moral/immoral. Some of us attempt to deny our anger and allow it to do extensive damage to our entire physical system.
What can be we say about anger with some degree of certitude? We can, I believe, say:
- No matter how “holy” we are all of us sometimes feel what most of us would label as anger.
- Once we have internalized a feeling as anger it has to come out as anger even if we know it is a defense against revealing or experiencing another emotion.
- Dumping our anger on another person or even an institution hardly ever leads to positive change although there may be that rare person or institution which actually “hears” the injustice underlying our anger and thanks us for being courageous enough to force attention to a truth. I would not, however, get attached to an expectation of this outcome!
- Acknowledging and giving ourselves a safe place to vomit or dump anger can be a step towards healing.
- Once we have dumped the internalized anger we are free to explore the underlying issues.
Written January 14, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
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