The math of self-acceptance
Many of us early on developed the mathematical acumen which allow us to determine 10 plus one equal zero. The ten is the number of positive statements or evaluations one gets and the one is the single negative statement or evaluation.
I read with great sadness that a 22-year-old young man was sentenced to 1 to five years in prison, 10 to 50 years’ supervised probation and will be required to register as a sex offender for life. His crime was having sex with a girl under the age of 16. It was also stated that there were two others identified in a criminal complaint against him, but in a plea agreement the state agreed not to investigate additional charges.
Other than being younger that 16 and he being 21 at the time of the sexual contact there was no indication of how old the girl was or how old the other complaints might be. It was also not indicated whether the girl was a willing participant. The age difference was such that it was legally considered a sexual assault. Thankfully a condom was used.
The girl’s mother said she wanted him to “serve his time for what he did to my daughter.”
There are many factors not mentioned such as:
Most of us will not have such dramatic reminders of our humanness. Yet, many of us will learn that one strike or two strikes and not only is one out for this ending but one is out for life. There is no redemption.
If this young man does end up with a counselor or a spiritual advisor at some time it will not be easy for him to accept that he is worthwhile. Unlike most of us who get 10 positives and one negative he will get thousands of negatives and perhaps one positive. All or most of us may suffer the same mathematical fallacy, but the person who has thousands of negatives will find it very difficult to balance the books.
All of us will benefit from being able to come to terms with the fact that we are capable of causing harm. If one has been in active addiction or for whatever reason has not been able to consider the needs of others, one can learn to respect the illness and resolve to do all one can to cultivate a mind which is able to empathetically consider the needs of others. Counseling or other treatment may help one achieve this goal.
Most important one does not attempt to even the score. One starts with today and does the best one can to be the best person one can be today. One mistake or one hurtful deed does not wipe out all the loving deeds. A history of hurtful deeds does not wipe out the current positive deed.
Ten positives and one negative does not result in a negative balance. Does it matter what the negative is? I am not sure that it does. Certainly, none of us want to deal with having passively or actively caused the death of another or permanently maimed another. Yet, I can promise the reader that I have had several near misses while driving a car or being careless in some other situation.
There are those who are not able to consider the needs of others; those who brains are incapable of doing so. Some of those can change with counseling, medication or some combination of those. Some may never be able to consider the needs of others. Does this make them a bad person or just an unsafe person? What is the difference?
It is a miracle when someone gets into treatment for addiction or some other disease and is able to get better.
It is a miracle when someone is able to heal from being used or otherwise abused or hurt by another human.
It is no surprise that our brains are very fragile and that us humans are capable of hurting each other. It is also no surprise that we cannot be defined by our worst or most hurtful deeds.
Paul Harvey in his noontime radio broadcast used to tell part of a story and then, after an advertisement, would then tell the rest of the story. The rest of the story, for today, is that one or ten positives counts. One negative counts, but is not the rest or end of the story.
Written August 14, 2018
Many of us early on developed the mathematical acumen which allow us to determine 10 plus one equal zero. The ten is the number of positive statements or evaluations one gets and the one is the single negative statement or evaluation.
I read with great sadness that a 22-year-old young man was sentenced to 1 to five years in prison, 10 to 50 years’ supervised probation and will be required to register as a sex offender for life. His crime was having sex with a girl under the age of 16. It was also stated that there were two others identified in a criminal complaint against him, but in a plea agreement the state agreed not to investigate additional charges.
Other than being younger that 16 and he being 21 at the time of the sexual contact there was no indication of how old the girl was or how old the other complaints might be. It was also not indicated whether the girl was a willing participant. The age difference was such that it was legally considered a sexual assault. Thankfully a condom was used.
The girl’s mother said she wanted him to “serve his time for what he did to my daughter.”
There are many factors not mentioned such as:
- How emotionally mature is this young man. What is the emotional age difference between he and the girl?
- Is it possible to help this young man mature?
- Does he realize why the community considers his act or acts wrong?
- Is he a danger to other young girls? How young?
- How much will it cost to incarcerate him, keep him on supervised probation for at least 10 years and to keep him registered as a sex offender? How much in lost taxes will the community also forfeit?
- How does labeling this man as a criminal and a bad person help him or the community at large?
Most of us will not have such dramatic reminders of our humanness. Yet, many of us will learn that one strike or two strikes and not only is one out for this ending but one is out for life. There is no redemption.
If this young man does end up with a counselor or a spiritual advisor at some time it will not be easy for him to accept that he is worthwhile. Unlike most of us who get 10 positives and one negative he will get thousands of negatives and perhaps one positive. All or most of us may suffer the same mathematical fallacy, but the person who has thousands of negatives will find it very difficult to balance the books.
All of us will benefit from being able to come to terms with the fact that we are capable of causing harm. If one has been in active addiction or for whatever reason has not been able to consider the needs of others, one can learn to respect the illness and resolve to do all one can to cultivate a mind which is able to empathetically consider the needs of others. Counseling or other treatment may help one achieve this goal.
Most important one does not attempt to even the score. One starts with today and does the best one can to be the best person one can be today. One mistake or one hurtful deed does not wipe out all the loving deeds. A history of hurtful deeds does not wipe out the current positive deed.
Ten positives and one negative does not result in a negative balance. Does it matter what the negative is? I am not sure that it does. Certainly, none of us want to deal with having passively or actively caused the death of another or permanently maimed another. Yet, I can promise the reader that I have had several near misses while driving a car or being careless in some other situation.
There are those who are not able to consider the needs of others; those who brains are incapable of doing so. Some of those can change with counseling, medication or some combination of those. Some may never be able to consider the needs of others. Does this make them a bad person or just an unsafe person? What is the difference?
It is a miracle when someone gets into treatment for addiction or some other disease and is able to get better.
It is a miracle when someone is able to heal from being used or otherwise abused or hurt by another human.
It is no surprise that our brains are very fragile and that us humans are capable of hurting each other. It is also no surprise that we cannot be defined by our worst or most hurtful deeds.
Paul Harvey in his noontime radio broadcast used to tell part of a story and then, after an advertisement, would then tell the rest of the story. The rest of the story, for today, is that one or ten positives counts. One negative counts, but is not the rest or end of the story.
Written August 14, 2018
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