The math of self esteem
So many of us seem to be so insecure about our worth that we quickly succumb to using math that even an average 4-year-old would know is not accurate. No matter what the setting, it seems as if many of us can allow a dozen or more positive comments or action to be discounted by one negative comment or action. We may “know” each person has their own journey and that we cannot cause someone to behave in a certain manner, but we frequently react emotionally as if a supreme or divine authority has spoken through that one negative person. Of course, the basic fear for many of us is that in some way we are not enough; not good enough; not rich enough or not something enough.
There may be times when we need to make major changes in our life. This morning I talked to someone who had indeed reached their bottom and were ready to make some major changes in their life. This person is dealing with a serious addiction to drugs and needs the services of a residential treatment program; a safe place to slowly pick up the tools to deal with life on life’s terms. This person, if not careful, may tell himself that he is worse than or more hopeless than the others who are there for treatment. The truth is that he will discover that he has many strengths. The addiction has not allowed him to use those strengths in a positive way. There are still there.
One negative or even several negatives do not wipe out all the positives we have to share. It may be true that a person can be a really good professor and terrible at managing personal finances. One can get help managing finances. Not being good at all areas of life does not mean we are good at nothing. Yet, that may be the math formula which many of us use. A good friend of mine was amazing mother who chose to spend a lot of time introducing her children to many parts of the community including museums, work with homeless people, and the work of the city council. She was terrible as a house keeper. The math of her job as mother was positives 99 and negative 1. That is a great score. Yet in the suburban community in which she lived she was “expected” to make housekeeping her primary priority.
No matter what we are doing in our family, in the work place or the community we are not going to score 100%. We will make mistakes. There will be people who are critical of us no matter what we do or do not do. There will be people who judge us by our worst mistake. If we allow them to use their math formulas to determine our worth we will flunk and may even give up.
Obviously, it is important to learn from our mistakes and to not attempt tasks which are not in our talent pool. We do have to be okay with making mistakes and taking responsibility for them. At the same time, we have to accept that we are not going to please everyone.
The math of self-esteem is that if there are more positives than negatives than we are doing well. If indeed the negatives outweigh the positives than we may need to get help in making some changes in our life. The willingness to step back and make changes is a huge positive. Just like the young man who has reached his bottom with addiction, it takes great courage to stop and ask for help in seeking a new way to do life on life terms.
Written December 18, 2018
So many of us seem to be so insecure about our worth that we quickly succumb to using math that even an average 4-year-old would know is not accurate. No matter what the setting, it seems as if many of us can allow a dozen or more positive comments or action to be discounted by one negative comment or action. We may “know” each person has their own journey and that we cannot cause someone to behave in a certain manner, but we frequently react emotionally as if a supreme or divine authority has spoken through that one negative person. Of course, the basic fear for many of us is that in some way we are not enough; not good enough; not rich enough or not something enough.
There may be times when we need to make major changes in our life. This morning I talked to someone who had indeed reached their bottom and were ready to make some major changes in their life. This person is dealing with a serious addiction to drugs and needs the services of a residential treatment program; a safe place to slowly pick up the tools to deal with life on life’s terms. This person, if not careful, may tell himself that he is worse than or more hopeless than the others who are there for treatment. The truth is that he will discover that he has many strengths. The addiction has not allowed him to use those strengths in a positive way. There are still there.
One negative or even several negatives do not wipe out all the positives we have to share. It may be true that a person can be a really good professor and terrible at managing personal finances. One can get help managing finances. Not being good at all areas of life does not mean we are good at nothing. Yet, that may be the math formula which many of us use. A good friend of mine was amazing mother who chose to spend a lot of time introducing her children to many parts of the community including museums, work with homeless people, and the work of the city council. She was terrible as a house keeper. The math of her job as mother was positives 99 and negative 1. That is a great score. Yet in the suburban community in which she lived she was “expected” to make housekeeping her primary priority.
No matter what we are doing in our family, in the work place or the community we are not going to score 100%. We will make mistakes. There will be people who are critical of us no matter what we do or do not do. There will be people who judge us by our worst mistake. If we allow them to use their math formulas to determine our worth we will flunk and may even give up.
Obviously, it is important to learn from our mistakes and to not attempt tasks which are not in our talent pool. We do have to be okay with making mistakes and taking responsibility for them. At the same time, we have to accept that we are not going to please everyone.
The math of self-esteem is that if there are more positives than negatives than we are doing well. If indeed the negatives outweigh the positives than we may need to get help in making some changes in our life. The willingness to step back and make changes is a huge positive. Just like the young man who has reached his bottom with addiction, it takes great courage to stop and ask for help in seeking a new way to do life on life terms.
Written December 18, 2018
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