The myth of the grief process
One of the myths, which I frequently encountered and to which I used to subscribe, says, “If one avoids some of the positive memories one avoids the pain of loss or other disappointment.” The truth is that when one loses a loved one through divorce, death, rejection and for some other reason the pain is always present. Unless one is doing some drug, sex or some other activity, which briefly numbs one, the pain is a constant companion. When one also blocks the positive memories there is nothing to balance the pain. The pain becomes debilitating. Soon one has dropped other activities which put fuel in one’s emotional, spiritual, and physical gas tanks. One may quit eating healthy food or quit eating all together, quit exercising, quit socializing with healthy friends, and quit involving oneself in other activities which feed one. One may also neglect one’s home and even one’s partner Soon the only bond one has is with depression. One has nothing left to give and one is now identified with the pain. One then becomes anxious and depressed. Since one has no gas in one’s gas tanks - emotional, physical or spiritual – the least little stimulus results in acute anxiety and increased depression.
One may finally go to see one’s primary care physician who may then prescribes medication for depression and/or anxiety. Some of the anti-depressant medications also target anxiety. The doctor may tell one that the medication is only intended to take the edge off enough to allow one to begin to exercise, eat better, resume spiritual practice, see a few friends, and reclaim one’s home. The doctor may also refer one to a counselor. If one is in a metropolitan area there may be a counselor who specializes in grief counseling. Some clergy have also been trained as grief counselors.
The grief counselor may begin to ask one to share about the love one who is gone. The goal, if the past relationship was positive/healthy, is to invite the person to come alive in the form of internal conversations and memories. If the past relationship was abusive in any way it is important to come to terms with the actual person rather than the saint one may have created to take his or her place.
A grieving person may be told that “Time heals all.” as if time will bring the deceased or otherwise absent person back to life or erase the person. In my experience that is wrong. Time does not heal the loss of a child or a healthy, fun, loving partner. Gone is gone. One cannot make amends to an actual person. One cannot claim lost moments, take back exhausted pushing away or hold a child in one’s arms again. If one is blessed to be able, with help, to pick up the pieces of health care – emotional, physical, and spiritual – one can begin to balance the scales – to fill the various gas tanks so that the grief does not suck one dry. One can begin to allow oneself to experience both pain and joy. The pain will not dominate every waking moment. It is still very present but it is no longer in charge of one’s life.
Grief, as is true for all life events, is a process, which requires all the spiritual tools, which allow one to grow – one step at a time with openness, willingness and all the faith one can muster.
Written January 29, 2018
One of the myths, which I frequently encountered and to which I used to subscribe, says, “If one avoids some of the positive memories one avoids the pain of loss or other disappointment.” The truth is that when one loses a loved one through divorce, death, rejection and for some other reason the pain is always present. Unless one is doing some drug, sex or some other activity, which briefly numbs one, the pain is a constant companion. When one also blocks the positive memories there is nothing to balance the pain. The pain becomes debilitating. Soon one has dropped other activities which put fuel in one’s emotional, spiritual, and physical gas tanks. One may quit eating healthy food or quit eating all together, quit exercising, quit socializing with healthy friends, and quit involving oneself in other activities which feed one. One may also neglect one’s home and even one’s partner Soon the only bond one has is with depression. One has nothing left to give and one is now identified with the pain. One then becomes anxious and depressed. Since one has no gas in one’s gas tanks - emotional, physical or spiritual – the least little stimulus results in acute anxiety and increased depression.
One may finally go to see one’s primary care physician who may then prescribes medication for depression and/or anxiety. Some of the anti-depressant medications also target anxiety. The doctor may tell one that the medication is only intended to take the edge off enough to allow one to begin to exercise, eat better, resume spiritual practice, see a few friends, and reclaim one’s home. The doctor may also refer one to a counselor. If one is in a metropolitan area there may be a counselor who specializes in grief counseling. Some clergy have also been trained as grief counselors.
The grief counselor may begin to ask one to share about the love one who is gone. The goal, if the past relationship was positive/healthy, is to invite the person to come alive in the form of internal conversations and memories. If the past relationship was abusive in any way it is important to come to terms with the actual person rather than the saint one may have created to take his or her place.
A grieving person may be told that “Time heals all.” as if time will bring the deceased or otherwise absent person back to life or erase the person. In my experience that is wrong. Time does not heal the loss of a child or a healthy, fun, loving partner. Gone is gone. One cannot make amends to an actual person. One cannot claim lost moments, take back exhausted pushing away or hold a child in one’s arms again. If one is blessed to be able, with help, to pick up the pieces of health care – emotional, physical, and spiritual – one can begin to balance the scales – to fill the various gas tanks so that the grief does not suck one dry. One can begin to allow oneself to experience both pain and joy. The pain will not dominate every waking moment. It is still very present but it is no longer in charge of one’s life.
Grief, as is true for all life events, is a process, which requires all the spiritual tools, which allow one to grow – one step at a time with openness, willingness and all the faith one can muster.
Written January 29, 2018
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