The need to love and be loved

 
The need to love and be loved
 
The March 5, 2020 episode of On Being features a conversation between Krista Tippett and Nicolas Christakis, sociologist and physician.   Dr. Christakis is also the director of the Human Nature Lab at Yale University.  
 
Dr. Christakis “compellingly demonstrates that we come to social goodness as naturally as we come to our bloodier inclinations.”  As always I urge the reader to listen to or read the transcript of this conversation.
 
In my career I have often worked with/for those who have been violent.  My experience strongly suggested that all violent behavior originates from a fear of not being  recognized or respected.  That need, I believe, originates from a need to belong; a need to be loved. Many, I believe, settle for feeling important because they are fearful or have been taught love is not possible  Like any addictive substitute one is never “important” enough to fill the void.
 
I belief that Dr. Cyristakis is correct in finding humans evolved to take care of each other.  I would go so far as to posit that we have an innate need to love and be loved. Another way of saying that is that we have an innate need to experience belonging.  Brene Brown has written extensively on the need to belong.
 
If this is true then it is imperative that we be able to explain violence; all the ways we seek to hurt and even destroy each other.  We have to explain not only our willingness to build and use bigger and better weapons to use against each other,  but all the ways we disconnect from our shared humanness.
 
All of us  have, I am sure, momentarily reacted to some perceived or experienced emotional or physical hurt by using a word, a physical gesture or blunt force to disconnect from the source of perceived hurt.  It is, I believe, natural to react in this protective manner. Later we may realize that the behavior of the other had nothing to do with us and  reconnect with that person or at very least acknowledge that he or she is no better or no worse/harmful than we are.
 
Systematic violence such as all forms of oppression is based on the need or even the belief we have to base our worth on being more or better than.
 
 I am going to posit all systematic violence in the form of war such as the United States response to 9/11 requires that:
 

• We convince ourselves that we were blameless in creating the conditions which made it possible for the perpetrators to act in such a violent manner.
• We convince ourselves that responding with violence will reduce or eliminate future violence.
• We convince ourselves that we have nothing in common with those who responsible for the such destruction as that of 9/11.

 
Reactionary/impulsive violence is, on the other hand:
 

• An automatic response to some real (shared reality) or perceived danger – physical, material (scarce resources such as food) or  emotional.  This includes responses arising from an impairment of the brain caused by a chemical, a  trauma or  some other condition which impairs the functioning of the brain.
• Not necessarily an attempt to deny our interdependence
• Very often a response to our fear of the bond of love/interdependence being broken.

 
Violence – verbal, physical, or institutional – never leads to love or cooperation.  An individual or community may, in some instances, following violence have  a spiritual awakening.  This is not to suggest that the violence caused the spiritual awakening but it may be true that any of us might be so traumatized by a violent act that we decide that there has to be a better way to respond to the cycle of fear and violence.  Humans often use a trauma such as a death of a loved one to reassess their values and their behavior.
 
Many Germans, as a result of having to accept the reality of their neighbors being responsible for the Holocaust, have decided to devote their lives to doing their part to creating a more just and loving world.  Sadly, many of those who countries played a leading role in helping to create the conditions which allowed for the possibility of the Third Reich have learned little.
 
In other words, my experience tells me that Dr. Christakis is correct that humans want to love and be loved; that working together comes naturally to us.  We may come to believe that it is not safe to love or be loved.  We may come to believe that we have to settle for respect borne out of making people fear us which merely covers up or blinds us to the underlying desire to be loved – to belong.
 
If we want to reduce violence towards ourselves, each other and the universe, we will need to more scientifically examine our believe that responding to violence with more violence is going to lead to a more peaceful, just and cooperative experience of sharing the planet.
 
The story of Easter for Christians is not the success of the crucifixion but the fact of the resurrection; of the teachings of Jesus to love your neighbor as yourself; to forgive 70 x 7.
 
Written March 9, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org