The next right thing
I have no idea when or from whom I first heard or first read the saying that “If you do the next right thing, you will always get what you need.” The intent was not to suggest that as a young boy I would get the toy, bike or book that I wanted. As I got older, I understood that just because I did the next right thing I would not suddenly be given the skill or gift of being able to choose the winning lottery number, being connected to the love my life or never having to face the loss of a loved one. I also learned doing the next right thing did not guarantee the perfect marriage, friends who always stuck by me no matter how much I failed to be perfect or that I would find a way to be wealthy without possessing more than my share of the earth’s resources.
As a child and even a young adult, I was assured by the pastors in the Christian churches I attended that my reward would be in heaven. By now, I understood that the next right thing referred to all the laws or rules as they were interpreted or understood by the particular representative of that religion. As I became an adult and moved out of that small circle, I discovered many other religions and philosophies often had a different interpretation of what was right or moral. I also learned that some people believed that the reward was simply the satisfaction of knowing that one one’s beliefs and actions were in sync most of the time. I discovered not everyone believed in this concept of a heaven to which we traveled if we were good when we died. This was quite a shock and a completely different understanding of why one behaved in a certain way. The reward was now an internal peace or the lack of distress from violating a core belief. Whether it was because of the fear of an angry, punishing God which had been instilled in me or because of being what many labeled as ‘overly sensitive’ person, it seems as if I was burdened with gut wrenching guilt which affected every part of my system. The guilt shut me down emotionally and physically. I recall telling a lie and, even worse, basing the lie on racism which, even at five years old I knew was wrong but effective. I blamed some behavior of mine on a friend who happened to be African American. Although this lie softened the punishment from my mother, the burden of the resultant guilt followed me from that day to this very day. Even though I now understand that all five-year-old children borrow from the biases of the small world they inhabit and I have publicly on more than one occasion confessed and even made amends as best I could, this deliberate 5-year-old lie is a poignant reminder of the internal “wages of sin.” I no longer believe in a punishing God. I know that the strongest punishment is:
· Loss of internal peace and physical health.
· The inability to connect with others in the way that I want.
· The inability to connect with God of my understanding/the universe.
As I continue to age and to have the ability to take a linear look at my life journey, I become increasingly aware each moment of this life journey is inexorably dependent on all the past moments. As a person who has long studied systems, beginning with my study of engineering, I know that all parts of every system affect and are affected by each other. This background has helped me to understand that if I changed one little piece of my background every part of my life today would be different. Thus, my five-year old lies led to a desire to better understand racism, the choices that children make, and to do work with others to end racism and other forms of discrimination and prejudice. My behaviors which contributed to the failure of my marriage to my son’s mother, the fact that I got married partly because I was unable to accept the other desires I had, the decision to join the U. S. Navy and later to accept an appointment to the U. S. Naval Academy all have a part in bringing me to this moment when I am sitting at Panera’s in Clearwater, Florida writing on April 17, 2016. Change one thing in the past and I would be someplace else doing something else. Perhaps I would have completed this life journey already.
Another piece of the truth of that early teaching is that I am always where I need to be to learn the spiritual lessons I need to learn. I sincerely believe this, but it certainly does not feel that way at times. Discerning the spiritual lesson is sometimes quite simple, but often it is much more difficult. I just had an email from a client who says that her obsession with a current issue is so great that she cannot not focus on spiritual lessons. It can often seem to clients, friends or others that I “obviously” have no real appreciation for the angst or pain they are experiencing. What am I saying? Sometimes when I tell myself to focus on spiritual lessons another part of my brain is saying, “Do you not get it? I am really in pain!” Yet, I know that my story to date tells me that I have no control over any people, places, or events. I only have control over whether I practice showing up and listening to what the universe will reveal to me. Sometimes, the lesson is as simple as a reminder to be intentional about focusing on all the blessings of my life or to laugh at myself. Recently I was thinking about the fact that it is so easy for me begin to feel as if I NEED a computer, cell phone, dishwasher, garage, decent car, good food, many friends, good physical health, access to health care, a loving partner, a Trek bicycle, and high quality chocolates to have a good life!! This is from a man who grew up from age 5 until 16 very poor without electricity, running water, indoor plumbing or a relaxing home. Yet, in the midst of this seeming poverty, it was easy to appreciate the smallest treat.
Obviously, I do not always do the next right thing. When I am focusing on where I am spiritually, whatever I do is the next right thing. It would be nice to immediately do the next right thing, but it is not in our nature as humans. Thus, the goal is to notice when I notice. When I notice or am present, my body always lets me know when I am in sync – when I am doing what is ‘right’ for me at this moment in time. It also lets me know when this is not the case. Is this true for everyone? No, many illnesses and conditions may keep one from being able to even access core values and then make decisions based on these values. Autistic children may be missing a part of their brain which does not allow them to be empathic. Sociopaths may be very internally disconnected. True pedophiles (very small number of people) may be unable to control the compulsions to act out fantasies/desires. Addiction, certain medications, other brain disorders, such as Alzheimer’s, also keeps one from living an intentional life based on core values.
For me it is helpful to remind myself that even though doing the next right thing may seem inconvenient or as if I am depriving myself of something which would feel good for a second, the ability to live intentionally is itself a blessing not available to everyone. I know, of course, that I am human and not all knowing and all wise. I also at times am an emotional, limited human who will make mistakes. Still, at this moment in time, I am able to remind myself and even to write/type – If I do the next right thing I will always get what I need to grow spiritually. I can remind myself of this while also reminding myself that if I say this to others it must be tempered with the memory of how difficult it has and will be for me to live this truth.
Written April 17, 2016
I have no idea when or from whom I first heard or first read the saying that “If you do the next right thing, you will always get what you need.” The intent was not to suggest that as a young boy I would get the toy, bike or book that I wanted. As I got older, I understood that just because I did the next right thing I would not suddenly be given the skill or gift of being able to choose the winning lottery number, being connected to the love my life or never having to face the loss of a loved one. I also learned doing the next right thing did not guarantee the perfect marriage, friends who always stuck by me no matter how much I failed to be perfect or that I would find a way to be wealthy without possessing more than my share of the earth’s resources.
As a child and even a young adult, I was assured by the pastors in the Christian churches I attended that my reward would be in heaven. By now, I understood that the next right thing referred to all the laws or rules as they were interpreted or understood by the particular representative of that religion. As I became an adult and moved out of that small circle, I discovered many other religions and philosophies often had a different interpretation of what was right or moral. I also learned that some people believed that the reward was simply the satisfaction of knowing that one one’s beliefs and actions were in sync most of the time. I discovered not everyone believed in this concept of a heaven to which we traveled if we were good when we died. This was quite a shock and a completely different understanding of why one behaved in a certain way. The reward was now an internal peace or the lack of distress from violating a core belief. Whether it was because of the fear of an angry, punishing God which had been instilled in me or because of being what many labeled as ‘overly sensitive’ person, it seems as if I was burdened with gut wrenching guilt which affected every part of my system. The guilt shut me down emotionally and physically. I recall telling a lie and, even worse, basing the lie on racism which, even at five years old I knew was wrong but effective. I blamed some behavior of mine on a friend who happened to be African American. Although this lie softened the punishment from my mother, the burden of the resultant guilt followed me from that day to this very day. Even though I now understand that all five-year-old children borrow from the biases of the small world they inhabit and I have publicly on more than one occasion confessed and even made amends as best I could, this deliberate 5-year-old lie is a poignant reminder of the internal “wages of sin.” I no longer believe in a punishing God. I know that the strongest punishment is:
· Loss of internal peace and physical health.
· The inability to connect with others in the way that I want.
· The inability to connect with God of my understanding/the universe.
As I continue to age and to have the ability to take a linear look at my life journey, I become increasingly aware each moment of this life journey is inexorably dependent on all the past moments. As a person who has long studied systems, beginning with my study of engineering, I know that all parts of every system affect and are affected by each other. This background has helped me to understand that if I changed one little piece of my background every part of my life today would be different. Thus, my five-year old lies led to a desire to better understand racism, the choices that children make, and to do work with others to end racism and other forms of discrimination and prejudice. My behaviors which contributed to the failure of my marriage to my son’s mother, the fact that I got married partly because I was unable to accept the other desires I had, the decision to join the U. S. Navy and later to accept an appointment to the U. S. Naval Academy all have a part in bringing me to this moment when I am sitting at Panera’s in Clearwater, Florida writing on April 17, 2016. Change one thing in the past and I would be someplace else doing something else. Perhaps I would have completed this life journey already.
Another piece of the truth of that early teaching is that I am always where I need to be to learn the spiritual lessons I need to learn. I sincerely believe this, but it certainly does not feel that way at times. Discerning the spiritual lesson is sometimes quite simple, but often it is much more difficult. I just had an email from a client who says that her obsession with a current issue is so great that she cannot not focus on spiritual lessons. It can often seem to clients, friends or others that I “obviously” have no real appreciation for the angst or pain they are experiencing. What am I saying? Sometimes when I tell myself to focus on spiritual lessons another part of my brain is saying, “Do you not get it? I am really in pain!” Yet, I know that my story to date tells me that I have no control over any people, places, or events. I only have control over whether I practice showing up and listening to what the universe will reveal to me. Sometimes, the lesson is as simple as a reminder to be intentional about focusing on all the blessings of my life or to laugh at myself. Recently I was thinking about the fact that it is so easy for me begin to feel as if I NEED a computer, cell phone, dishwasher, garage, decent car, good food, many friends, good physical health, access to health care, a loving partner, a Trek bicycle, and high quality chocolates to have a good life!! This is from a man who grew up from age 5 until 16 very poor without electricity, running water, indoor plumbing or a relaxing home. Yet, in the midst of this seeming poverty, it was easy to appreciate the smallest treat.
Obviously, I do not always do the next right thing. When I am focusing on where I am spiritually, whatever I do is the next right thing. It would be nice to immediately do the next right thing, but it is not in our nature as humans. Thus, the goal is to notice when I notice. When I notice or am present, my body always lets me know when I am in sync – when I am doing what is ‘right’ for me at this moment in time. It also lets me know when this is not the case. Is this true for everyone? No, many illnesses and conditions may keep one from being able to even access core values and then make decisions based on these values. Autistic children may be missing a part of their brain which does not allow them to be empathic. Sociopaths may be very internally disconnected. True pedophiles (very small number of people) may be unable to control the compulsions to act out fantasies/desires. Addiction, certain medications, other brain disorders, such as Alzheimer’s, also keeps one from living an intentional life based on core values.
For me it is helpful to remind myself that even though doing the next right thing may seem inconvenient or as if I am depriving myself of something which would feel good for a second, the ability to live intentionally is itself a blessing not available to everyone. I know, of course, that I am human and not all knowing and all wise. I also at times am an emotional, limited human who will make mistakes. Still, at this moment in time, I am able to remind myself and even to write/type – If I do the next right thing I will always get what I need to grow spiritually. I can remind myself of this while also reminding myself that if I say this to others it must be tempered with the memory of how difficult it has and will be for me to live this truth.
Written April 17, 2016
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