The observer
Often in my role as a professional counselor for those dealing with emotional and spiritual issues, I encounter those who are convinced they cannot live without a treasured child, lover, spouse, or other person. Often it seems to many as if there is no point in living without that special someone or something.
The first step of the 12-step program - the first step in any program of spiritual growth program - is coming to terms with the fact that real power comes from accepting our powerlessness. For the person just beginning their journey of recovery from active addiction the first level of understanding has to do with the fact that if one feeds an addictive habit the addiction takes complete charge of one’s life. If the addict can accept that level of powerlessness they soon discover if they are to be free; if they are to have peace, they must accept that power only comes from accepting powerlessness in all areas of one’s life. This is true for all us humans.
Often when we are faced with the fear or the reality of our powerlessness we become anxious. We may even move from anxiety to a full-blown panic attack. The panic attack may temporarily cripple us. We may then do anything which will reduce the feeling. We may quit a job, leave an event, drop out of school, take a drink, use some other drug, find a willing person with whom to have unconnected sex, file for divorce, accuse our partner of causing our distress (even file a false domestic violence charge), or attempt suicide. The feeling of panic - suffocation may be so intensely painful we are willing to do whatever it takes to have even temporary relief.
If we are the concerned witness we may begin the “what if” internal dialogue. What if this person returns to drug use? What if they file false charges? What if they die? What if they quit their job and I have to take care of them? What if they .... The person experiencing the panic attack is, of course, engaging in their own what if dialogue. What if I try this and fail? What if this is not who I am? What if I am alone for the rest of my life? What if ...? Us humans are quite capable of imagining outcomes which we have decided would be horrific or impossible for us to accept.
What do we say to the observer who feels powerless? What do we say to the person experiencing a panic attack? What do we say to the person who is sure that they cannot live with a potential outcome. Surely there is some words of comfort or reassurance. There is and there is not. The reassurance is not that all will be okay or that one will have only temporary pain at best. The truth is that the worst one can imagine may happen. One’s child may die of an overdose or some other cause. One may lose the case in court. One may forget one’s lines and have to live with the consequences. One’s may be falsely accused of a crime. One may make many serious mistakes as a parent. One may lose one’s job. One may discover that one is not at all who one thought one was.
We must not lie to the observer or the person experiencing the panic attack. On the other hand it is not helpful to feed the “what ifs”. We can assure the observer and the person experiencing the anxiety and the panic that it is safe to trust that we all have what we need to face what life presents; that we may grieve and mourn for a lifetime; we may have to make a new beginning, but we can survive and even thrive.
The worth of the observer is not dependent on being able to make all okay or to save the person having an anxiety or panic attack. The observer is not the anxiety they are feeling about what the person suffering an anxiety or panic attack is feeling. The person experiencing the acute anxiety or panic is not their anxiety or panic. All of us have the nurturing, healthy parent part of us which is able to stand back and observe another person or ourselves when in a lot of pain and just be quietly present. All of us have the capacity, if not the habit, of noticing without labeling or feeding the thoughts or feelings. Most will, of course, have to practice this new behavior before it becomes a habit.
Written August 20, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
RSS Feed