The paradox of vulnerability
Many of us have been taught or somehow came to believe that we must always be strong and, thus, cannot be vulnerable to the passion deep within us. It is as if being open to passionate feelings leaves us vulnerable and, thus weak. From the time we are born, unless we are born with some missing parts which keep us disconnected from ourselves and others, we have passionate feelings about our own needs to be fed, protected and to have a dry diaper. We also have passionate feelings about our daily discoveries of the world around us. We use all the senses available to us to explore and connect with the world. Healthy, non- traumatized babies experience and share joy, sadness, delight, anger, pain, contentment, and a host of other emotions. We do not begin to hold back on sharing those emotions until we learn that it is unsafe to express them or we learn that we are praised for withholding their expression. When someone suggests that a child is being good, all too often it is because the child has begun to learn that he/she needs to choose between pleasing others or pleasing themselves.
Obviously, learning some social norms is not bad. It is helpful to know that one can temporarily set aside one’s needs in consideration of the needs of the others or can attend to events which are intended to benefit a group of people.
Disease or dysfunction occurs when one internalizes all or most passionate feeling or limits oneself to only expressing passion in very limited contexts. One may, for example, only allow oneself to make a connection with self or others in the context of a sexual relationship. For such people, as soon as climax has been experienced, the person quickly disconnects. One may only express passionate emotions when one is creating music or other art forms.
There are, of course, those, who, for a variety of reasons, have no emotional filters. They may be avoided and even shunned by most other people causing more pain and resulting in the expression of more intense pain. Some may use alcohol or other drugs to loosen one’s inhibitions. Actually, some pretend to be under the influence so that they can avoid responsibility for what they are saying or doing.
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Some seem to rely on using anger to keep others and/or even themselves from what they are actually feeling.
Far too many of us learn that all or most intense feelings are not to be expressed less we appear weak or vulnerable. Sometimes they are repressed or held inside until one day one explodes in rage or passes into a permanently numb state.
Repressing feelings or numbing ourselves with alcohol, food, sex or things does not make us stronger and more able to cope with life on life’s terms. Our ability to access our strength is directly correlated with our ability to find regular, healthy ways to express our passionate emotions. If a lot of one’s energy is used to repress feelings or to create emotional garbage by hurting ourselves or others, we will have little energy to deal with life events in a healthy manner. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable makes us healthier and stronger. This is the paradox of vulnerability.
Written November 26, 2018
Many of us have been taught or somehow came to believe that we must always be strong and, thus, cannot be vulnerable to the passion deep within us. It is as if being open to passionate feelings leaves us vulnerable and, thus weak. From the time we are born, unless we are born with some missing parts which keep us disconnected from ourselves and others, we have passionate feelings about our own needs to be fed, protected and to have a dry diaper. We also have passionate feelings about our daily discoveries of the world around us. We use all the senses available to us to explore and connect with the world. Healthy, non- traumatized babies experience and share joy, sadness, delight, anger, pain, contentment, and a host of other emotions. We do not begin to hold back on sharing those emotions until we learn that it is unsafe to express them or we learn that we are praised for withholding their expression. When someone suggests that a child is being good, all too often it is because the child has begun to learn that he/she needs to choose between pleasing others or pleasing themselves.
Obviously, learning some social norms is not bad. It is helpful to know that one can temporarily set aside one’s needs in consideration of the needs of the others or can attend to events which are intended to benefit a group of people.
Disease or dysfunction occurs when one internalizes all or most passionate feeling or limits oneself to only expressing passion in very limited contexts. One may, for example, only allow oneself to make a connection with self or others in the context of a sexual relationship. For such people, as soon as climax has been experienced, the person quickly disconnects. One may only express passionate emotions when one is creating music or other art forms.
There are, of course, those, who, for a variety of reasons, have no emotional filters. They may be avoided and even shunned by most other people causing more pain and resulting in the expression of more intense pain. Some may use alcohol or other drugs to loosen one’s inhibitions. Actually, some pretend to be under the influence so that they can avoid responsibility for what they are saying or doing.
‘
Some seem to rely on using anger to keep others and/or even themselves from what they are actually feeling.
Far too many of us learn that all or most intense feelings are not to be expressed less we appear weak or vulnerable. Sometimes they are repressed or held inside until one day one explodes in rage or passes into a permanently numb state.
Repressing feelings or numbing ourselves with alcohol, food, sex or things does not make us stronger and more able to cope with life on life’s terms. Our ability to access our strength is directly correlated with our ability to find regular, healthy ways to express our passionate emotions. If a lot of one’s energy is used to repress feelings or to create emotional garbage by hurting ourselves or others, we will have little energy to deal with life events in a healthy manner. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable makes us healthier and stronger. This is the paradox of vulnerability.
Written November 26, 2018
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