The power of silent presence
Most of us want to be helpful. If we observe someone in distress or not functioning as well as we think they could or should our “natural” inclination is to do something we hope will make the situations better. It the distress is emotional we may want to fix them a cup of tea, something in eat or feed “person bashing thoughts” if they have been hurt by the action of others.
The urge to be helpful is laudatory. It usually arises out of the goodness of our hearts or, occasionally, from a desire to prove that we have something worthwhile to offer.
Many women, but not all, seem to intuitively know or perhaps learn that the kindest and most effective help is to practice active listening. Active listening is being able to repeat back to the person the words they just spoke. Active listening does not involve formulating a response which includes advice, censure or even compliments. It is demonstrating to the speaker that they are important enough to set everything aside for a few minutes and just listen. This may be just what the person needs to tap into their internal strength.
We men are often taught that our worth comes, not by our mere vulnerable presence, but by fixing people or situations. We find it very difficult to accept that the most powerful action we can take is to do nothing other than to be quietly attentive and present; to actually attend to what a person is saying and feeling without any attempt to rescue them or fix them.
Of course, if someone asks for specific advice or help it is appropriate, if possible, to give helpful advice or help. It is also important to allow ourselves to say that we cannot help or we do not have any helpful advice.
When we are a helping professional – a professional care giver such as counselor, physician, nurse, teacher, other health care person, clergy person, a first responder or law enforcement person – it is easy to feel a special pressure to fix a person or situation. Obviously, if one is a fire person one will, along with colleagues, do all one can to put out a fire. If one is a counselor one may need to educate a person or family about available treatments or other resources. Often, however, our most important role is one of actively listening from our heart. One might logically be concerned if one listens from one’s heart all day and sometimes via phone all evening one will get burnt out. After all, if one listens from the heart one’s own pain will be exposed. One may experience another level of mourning as one listens with an open heart to the pain of another. Showing that pain without making one’s own pain the center of the relationship may be healing for both people. Perhaps this is, in part, why Father Greg Boyle says that in meeting with those healing from a life of pain and desperation which forced them to join and participate in gang activity in Los Angeles, he is returning them to themselves while they return him to himself. Love and healing flows between people. When one allows this to happen one does not get burnt out. On the other hand, there comes a time for all of us – no matter our roles as healer and healing person – when we need a rest.
When I think of a wake to honor a deceased person and the relationships they had while alive I think of the relief of a safe place to laugh, cry, express regrets, and to appreciate and to give thanks. It is, in short, a time to just show up in all our emotional nakedness. This does not, in my mind, mean making oneself or one’s emotions the center of attention. I am sure we have all experienced the funeral when someone made their “grief” the center of attention. Frequently this is the ex-spouse or another person who has not had a positive relationship with the disease. This person is not simply being present but attempting to use the occasion to prove their own worth. It is the opposite of what happens at a wake.
We men can support each other in reminding each other that our most important asset in any relationship is our willingness to listen with open hearts.
Written January 9, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
Most of us want to be helpful. If we observe someone in distress or not functioning as well as we think they could or should our “natural” inclination is to do something we hope will make the situations better. It the distress is emotional we may want to fix them a cup of tea, something in eat or feed “person bashing thoughts” if they have been hurt by the action of others.
The urge to be helpful is laudatory. It usually arises out of the goodness of our hearts or, occasionally, from a desire to prove that we have something worthwhile to offer.
Many women, but not all, seem to intuitively know or perhaps learn that the kindest and most effective help is to practice active listening. Active listening is being able to repeat back to the person the words they just spoke. Active listening does not involve formulating a response which includes advice, censure or even compliments. It is demonstrating to the speaker that they are important enough to set everything aside for a few minutes and just listen. This may be just what the person needs to tap into their internal strength.
We men are often taught that our worth comes, not by our mere vulnerable presence, but by fixing people or situations. We find it very difficult to accept that the most powerful action we can take is to do nothing other than to be quietly attentive and present; to actually attend to what a person is saying and feeling without any attempt to rescue them or fix them.
Of course, if someone asks for specific advice or help it is appropriate, if possible, to give helpful advice or help. It is also important to allow ourselves to say that we cannot help or we do not have any helpful advice.
When we are a helping professional – a professional care giver such as counselor, physician, nurse, teacher, other health care person, clergy person, a first responder or law enforcement person – it is easy to feel a special pressure to fix a person or situation. Obviously, if one is a fire person one will, along with colleagues, do all one can to put out a fire. If one is a counselor one may need to educate a person or family about available treatments or other resources. Often, however, our most important role is one of actively listening from our heart. One might logically be concerned if one listens from one’s heart all day and sometimes via phone all evening one will get burnt out. After all, if one listens from the heart one’s own pain will be exposed. One may experience another level of mourning as one listens with an open heart to the pain of another. Showing that pain without making one’s own pain the center of the relationship may be healing for both people. Perhaps this is, in part, why Father Greg Boyle says that in meeting with those healing from a life of pain and desperation which forced them to join and participate in gang activity in Los Angeles, he is returning them to themselves while they return him to himself. Love and healing flows between people. When one allows this to happen one does not get burnt out. On the other hand, there comes a time for all of us – no matter our roles as healer and healing person – when we need a rest.
When I think of a wake to honor a deceased person and the relationships they had while alive I think of the relief of a safe place to laugh, cry, express regrets, and to appreciate and to give thanks. It is, in short, a time to just show up in all our emotional nakedness. This does not, in my mind, mean making oneself or one’s emotions the center of attention. I am sure we have all experienced the funeral when someone made their “grief” the center of attention. Frequently this is the ex-spouse or another person who has not had a positive relationship with the disease. This person is not simply being present but attempting to use the occasion to prove their own worth. It is the opposite of what happens at a wake.
We men can support each other in reminding each other that our most important asset in any relationship is our willingness to listen with open hearts.
Written January 9, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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