The violence of acute grief
While listening the rebroadcast of the June 28, 2018 On Being podcast with host Krista Tippett and guest community organizers Rami Nashashibi and Lucas Johnson, I was again reminded of the emotional, verbal and physical violence committed in the name of social constructs such as racism, sexism and homophobia. Such social constructs allow some to temporarily feel okay about oneself by constructing lies about being better than. One then blames the person against whom one has been violent for not fitting in; for not being the one who is oppressing the other which then forms the new excuse for oppression.
The essential issue im stopping this cycle entails the original oppressor deciding that it is good enough to be them. Even if the oppressor stopped their oppressive behavior today the community would still be left with all the direct and collateral damage caused by the use of violence under the guise of these social constructs. Ironically, one of the core issues both sides would be left with would be the pain of acute grief. Telling oneself that one is not enough is a very violent act and leaves layers and layers of grief. Telling another and treating another as less then leaves layers and layers of acute pain and grief. Sadly, often the only visible signs of this painful grief are the disappearance of self and rage. Not sharing that grief and self with self or others will ensure that one remain disconnected. One often uses numbness and/or anger to avoid the grief.
Healing requires that one have safe spaces in which to access and express that grief. Healing requires that one be safe from further oppression by others and oneself.
The expression of acute grief may be frightening to self and others. Acute grief is raw and can be mistaken for violence. Actually, it is and is not violent. When something enters the body as violence it must be ejected as violence. The violence does not have to be directed at self, others, animals, or even objects but it does have to come out as violence. It is vile, unattractive, not socially acceptable, loud and coarse. It is foul tasting and extremely nasty sounding. There are not enough curse words to adequately express it. It must come out in very guttural, core sounds devoid of definitions found in a dictionary. Some may be able to express it using music, dance, paint or some other artistic medium.
This intense grief may need to be expressed in wave after wave after wave. It does not need a response but it needs an affirming witness.
Unless and until we, as a people, stop abusing ourselves and others we cannot begin to grieve. We then need to provide safe places – the equivalent of wailing walls – to begin let go of. this violent vomiting rage.
Those who are grieving need a comforting witness be that sponsor, mentor, aunt, uncle, grandparent, friend, therapist or cleric. As with all healing the witness/helper must first have the courage to deal with one’s own violent grief.
Written May 17, 2019
Jimmy. F. Pickett
coachpickett.org
While listening the rebroadcast of the June 28, 2018 On Being podcast with host Krista Tippett and guest community organizers Rami Nashashibi and Lucas Johnson, I was again reminded of the emotional, verbal and physical violence committed in the name of social constructs such as racism, sexism and homophobia. Such social constructs allow some to temporarily feel okay about oneself by constructing lies about being better than. One then blames the person against whom one has been violent for not fitting in; for not being the one who is oppressing the other which then forms the new excuse for oppression.
The essential issue im stopping this cycle entails the original oppressor deciding that it is good enough to be them. Even if the oppressor stopped their oppressive behavior today the community would still be left with all the direct and collateral damage caused by the use of violence under the guise of these social constructs. Ironically, one of the core issues both sides would be left with would be the pain of acute grief. Telling oneself that one is not enough is a very violent act and leaves layers and layers of grief. Telling another and treating another as less then leaves layers and layers of acute pain and grief. Sadly, often the only visible signs of this painful grief are the disappearance of self and rage. Not sharing that grief and self with self or others will ensure that one remain disconnected. One often uses numbness and/or anger to avoid the grief.
Healing requires that one have safe spaces in which to access and express that grief. Healing requires that one be safe from further oppression by others and oneself.
The expression of acute grief may be frightening to self and others. Acute grief is raw and can be mistaken for violence. Actually, it is and is not violent. When something enters the body as violence it must be ejected as violence. The violence does not have to be directed at self, others, animals, or even objects but it does have to come out as violence. It is vile, unattractive, not socially acceptable, loud and coarse. It is foul tasting and extremely nasty sounding. There are not enough curse words to adequately express it. It must come out in very guttural, core sounds devoid of definitions found in a dictionary. Some may be able to express it using music, dance, paint or some other artistic medium.
This intense grief may need to be expressed in wave after wave after wave. It does not need a response but it needs an affirming witness.
Unless and until we, as a people, stop abusing ourselves and others we cannot begin to grieve. We then need to provide safe places – the equivalent of wailing walls – to begin let go of. this violent vomiting rage.
Those who are grieving need a comforting witness be that sponsor, mentor, aunt, uncle, grandparent, friend, therapist or cleric. As with all healing the witness/helper must first have the courage to deal with one’s own violent grief.
Written May 17, 2019
Jimmy. F. Pickett
coachpickett.org
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