The walking wounded
The good news is that we are all human. The bad news is that we are all human. The good news is that parents are human. The bad news is that parents are human. The good news is that children are human. The bad news is that children are human.
I was reminded this morning that most children, especially when very young, are very self-centered. When something positive happens in their tiny world it is because of them. When something negative happens it is because of them. If mom or dad are in a bad mood, suddenly absent or in a good mood, it is “obviously” because of who the child is or what the child did or did not do. If we do not know better we continue to make the same assumption as adults. If someone is unkind, distant, mean or even abusive in some way we assume it is because of what we said or did – intentionally or unintentionally. Later we may find out that the person was sick or going through some very stressful time; that they were simply unable to be present in a loving or kind way.
Of course, it would be very helpful if we could always let other people know what was going on with us so they knew that our behavior was not about them even if it affected them. We would not have to say exactly what was going on but simply that it has nothing to do with them. That would require that we had previously established a trusting relationship with them.
Sometimes, of course, it is our intention to be very hurtful to others because it may seems as if they are responsible for our emotional or physical pain. We may be determined to ensure that they hurt as much as we do. At some level we know they reacted from a wounded place within them which was touched by our action or the action of someone else. When we inflict emotional or physical pain on them, the new pain is piled on top of the old pain.
In recent years the members of a church in Charleston, South Carolina quickly forgave the young man who shot people in the church. Following the shooting at a synagogue in Pittsburgh, the members declared , “We will not respond to hate with hate. We will respond with love.” The author, William Young, in his novel The Shack, requires the dad of the little girl who was kidnapped, raped and killed to forgive the man who committed the horrible acts. I found it telling that the book and later the movie were so popular. As a society we are often very unforgiving of someone who rapes and kills a child. At one level that is understandable. After all, we feel responsible at some level since it is our job to protect our children. Forgiving the person may mean we have to deal with our own guilt; it may mean we believe the God of our understanding allowed this terrible act to occur or it may feel as we are condoning the killing and raping of children .
There are a few people who so mentally ill they are unable to consider the needs or rights of others. These few people may need to be in a secure place but not treated as criminals. They simply have a malfunctioning brain. They are a victim of that condition.
What if everyone is both a victim and a perpetrator? What if our focus was on healing and protecting that child within us? What if we were all taught from an early age that the behavior of others is not about us? What if we all had the tools for healing that hurt child within us? What if we had the power to set safe boundaries.
We have all been the abused and the abuser. We need to find a way to hold each other accountable but without punishing or judging. Clearly there are consequences for hurtful behavior. The end goal of that consequences could be healing for the one who is hurt and the one who did the hurting.
Written April 27, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
The good news is that we are all human. The bad news is that we are all human. The good news is that parents are human. The bad news is that parents are human. The good news is that children are human. The bad news is that children are human.
I was reminded this morning that most children, especially when very young, are very self-centered. When something positive happens in their tiny world it is because of them. When something negative happens it is because of them. If mom or dad are in a bad mood, suddenly absent or in a good mood, it is “obviously” because of who the child is or what the child did or did not do. If we do not know better we continue to make the same assumption as adults. If someone is unkind, distant, mean or even abusive in some way we assume it is because of what we said or did – intentionally or unintentionally. Later we may find out that the person was sick or going through some very stressful time; that they were simply unable to be present in a loving or kind way.
Of course, it would be very helpful if we could always let other people know what was going on with us so they knew that our behavior was not about them even if it affected them. We would not have to say exactly what was going on but simply that it has nothing to do with them. That would require that we had previously established a trusting relationship with them.
Sometimes, of course, it is our intention to be very hurtful to others because it may seems as if they are responsible for our emotional or physical pain. We may be determined to ensure that they hurt as much as we do. At some level we know they reacted from a wounded place within them which was touched by our action or the action of someone else. When we inflict emotional or physical pain on them, the new pain is piled on top of the old pain.
In recent years the members of a church in Charleston, South Carolina quickly forgave the young man who shot people in the church. Following the shooting at a synagogue in Pittsburgh, the members declared , “We will not respond to hate with hate. We will respond with love.” The author, William Young, in his novel The Shack, requires the dad of the little girl who was kidnapped, raped and killed to forgive the man who committed the horrible acts. I found it telling that the book and later the movie were so popular. As a society we are often very unforgiving of someone who rapes and kills a child. At one level that is understandable. After all, we feel responsible at some level since it is our job to protect our children. Forgiving the person may mean we have to deal with our own guilt; it may mean we believe the God of our understanding allowed this terrible act to occur or it may feel as we are condoning the killing and raping of children .
There are a few people who so mentally ill they are unable to consider the needs or rights of others. These few people may need to be in a secure place but not treated as criminals. They simply have a malfunctioning brain. They are a victim of that condition.
What if everyone is both a victim and a perpetrator? What if our focus was on healing and protecting that child within us? What if we were all taught from an early age that the behavior of others is not about us? What if we all had the tools for healing that hurt child within us? What if we had the power to set safe boundaries.
We have all been the abused and the abuser. We need to find a way to hold each other accountable but without punishing or judging. Clearly there are consequences for hurtful behavior. The end goal of that consequences could be healing for the one who is hurt and the one who did the hurting.
Written April 27, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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