The weaker gender
For many years I have been part of a national group of males who have explored cultural concepts of masculinity and how those concepts affect our individual, family and community health. I am also a parent of a delightful son, a psychotherapist who has often worked with men and, of course, an observer and chronicler of my own journey as a male.
I have long been aware that most cultures are patriarchal and patrilinear. In books such as The Chalice and the Blade by Riane Eisler the question of whether earliest humans were patriarchal or matriarchal is challenged. Where one stands on this issue depends on what method one accepts for dating artifacts. Regardless and despite a history of some powerful female rulers which history recorded as closely resembling that of male leaders, for the most part, societies have used the authority of religion and the God of one’s choosing to assert that males and females are biologically more suited to certain roles and characteristics. There have always, of course, been exceptions. Still, the way one defines such characteristics as leadership, strength and organizational skills determines both the nature and outcome of one’s so called scientific research.
I was thinking of these issues the past few days when listening to one of the leaders in examining male roles and relationships, Michael Kimmel. His Ted Talk, “Why gender equality is good for everyone – men included” is a good overview of the subject. (One can find copies of his many books on this and related subjects on Amazon or other book seller’s web sites.) I also listened to a Ted Talk by Julie Lythcott-Haims, “How to raise successful kids-without over-parenting”. As is true with many of the Ted Talk speakers she also invites one to consider the paradigms for success we are teaching our children. A male friend emailed me just this morning with a new appreciation for what is involved in full time parenting – particularly single parenting. Most of the time this friend works out of town and is home primarily for the fun part of parenting. He wrote this morning: “Have had the boys, been being a real parent instead of a part time dad. It is tough. Going to school at different times, homework, studying for test.” He did not mention housework, maintaining friendships, working on spiritual growth, working full time and all the other components of holistic care of self, home, and family.
We males continue to base many personal, family, community, national and international decisions on the following assumptions:
We teach these truths to children from the time they are very young. In fact, most research shows that if we think that a baby is a male we will handle him less and differently than if we think the baby is female. We also know, of course, about male and female toys, clothes or activities which are different than female toys, clothes and activities. Although some cultures, including in the United States, have made considerable progress in questioning and changing these rules, they are still firmly entrenched in our hearts and minds. The differences in raising our children can result in self-fulfilling prophecies in how we function as adults which, in turn, affects how we define success.
In fact, there are some biological differences in males and females. These include:
There are other differences and perceived differences. For example, although many women believe that they are worse in math, if we think of math as a language to describe relationships then women who manage family budgets, do needle work, adjust recipes and do a myriad of other tasks requiring the understanding of relationship of various factors, then most women seem to be very skilled at math.
In short, it seems that many of we males have a great deal to learn from females about strength, multi-tasking and making relationships a priority – relationship with self, family and others. Perhaps we males also need to consider the possibility that we are less fragile and more capable than we think that we are. In fact, it may be that we have convinced ourselves that we need females to take care of us rather than learning what it means to be a full partner in all area of life. If we males are going to be equal partners and parents we need to be prepared for long days and evenings, multi-tasking, working when we are ill, and redefining success in terms of relationship health.
Written September 14, 2016
For many years I have been part of a national group of males who have explored cultural concepts of masculinity and how those concepts affect our individual, family and community health. I am also a parent of a delightful son, a psychotherapist who has often worked with men and, of course, an observer and chronicler of my own journey as a male.
I have long been aware that most cultures are patriarchal and patrilinear. In books such as The Chalice and the Blade by Riane Eisler the question of whether earliest humans were patriarchal or matriarchal is challenged. Where one stands on this issue depends on what method one accepts for dating artifacts. Regardless and despite a history of some powerful female rulers which history recorded as closely resembling that of male leaders, for the most part, societies have used the authority of religion and the God of one’s choosing to assert that males and females are biologically more suited to certain roles and characteristics. There have always, of course, been exceptions. Still, the way one defines such characteristics as leadership, strength and organizational skills determines both the nature and outcome of one’s so called scientific research.
I was thinking of these issues the past few days when listening to one of the leaders in examining male roles and relationships, Michael Kimmel. His Ted Talk, “Why gender equality is good for everyone – men included” is a good overview of the subject. (One can find copies of his many books on this and related subjects on Amazon or other book seller’s web sites.) I also listened to a Ted Talk by Julie Lythcott-Haims, “How to raise successful kids-without over-parenting”. As is true with many of the Ted Talk speakers she also invites one to consider the paradigms for success we are teaching our children. A male friend emailed me just this morning with a new appreciation for what is involved in full time parenting – particularly single parenting. Most of the time this friend works out of town and is home primarily for the fun part of parenting. He wrote this morning: “Have had the boys, been being a real parent instead of a part time dad. It is tough. Going to school at different times, homework, studying for test.” He did not mention housework, maintaining friendships, working on spiritual growth, working full time and all the other components of holistic care of self, home, and family.
We males continue to base many personal, family, community, national and international decisions on the following assumptions:
- We are physically stronger.
- We must be better at multi-tasking since all leadership positions requires that skill.
- We are superior decision makers.
- We are less emotional and less emotionally needy
We teach these truths to children from the time they are very young. In fact, most research shows that if we think that a baby is a male we will handle him less and differently than if we think the baby is female. We also know, of course, about male and female toys, clothes or activities which are different than female toys, clothes and activities. Although some cultures, including in the United States, have made considerable progress in questioning and changing these rules, they are still firmly entrenched in our hearts and minds. The differences in raising our children can result in self-fulfilling prophecies in how we function as adults which, in turn, affects how we define success.
In fact, there are some biological differences in males and females. These include:
- Males tend to do better in speed and females tend to do better in terms of endurance.
- Obviously and much to the relief of we males –certainly this male- females are able to carry and bear children.
- Females seem overall to have a higher tolerance for emotional and physical discomfort becaue of either biology or culture. Females tend to keep functioning and taking care of the home and family even when they are sick. On the other hand, there are many examples of males and females functioning with a high level of physical and emotional discomfort when in combat situations, working in emergency rooms or in other high, constant stress situations.
- Women who have been in combat situations may or may not experience higher rate of PTSD even allowing for the higher rates of sexual trauma for women. Whether this is related to the definition of trauma, the fact that women biologically and culturally may be more sensitive to relationship trauma or some combination of factors has yet to be clearly shown as far as I can determine.
There are other differences and perceived differences. For example, although many women believe that they are worse in math, if we think of math as a language to describe relationships then women who manage family budgets, do needle work, adjust recipes and do a myriad of other tasks requiring the understanding of relationship of various factors, then most women seem to be very skilled at math.
In short, it seems that many of we males have a great deal to learn from females about strength, multi-tasking and making relationships a priority – relationship with self, family and others. Perhaps we males also need to consider the possibility that we are less fragile and more capable than we think that we are. In fact, it may be that we have convinced ourselves that we need females to take care of us rather than learning what it means to be a full partner in all area of life. If we males are going to be equal partners and parents we need to be prepared for long days and evenings, multi-tasking, working when we are ill, and redefining success in terms of relationship health.
Written September 14, 2016
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