Throwing out the baby with the bathwater
I am not sure when I first heard the advice, “Do not throw out the baby with the bathwater.” It may have been from Grandma Fannie or someone else. It was a common enough saying that one could also find a question about its meaning on intelligence tests.
Yesterday I was scrolling through the news and happened on an item regarding advice from an on line advice site to a wife who is concerned about her husband’s worsening anger. The wife did not indicate that the husband has been or was threatening physical violence toward her or the child. She was, however, appropriately concerned about the affect his anger was having on the child and the tension it was creating in the very air of their home, especially now that they are both working from home. I was saddened by the advice offered to this wife who said that he was overall a great father and a thoughtful husband. The advice columnist said: “He is not a ‘great father’ and he is not a “very thoughtful husband,” and I think when it becomes remotely feasible, you should have a consultation with a divorce lawyer.” If he rouses himself to enter some serious anger management therapy, and you see meaningful changes, great. You cannot raise a child with someone you have to constantly walk on eggshells around.”
This responds disturbed me a lot for the following reasons:
In over 50 years of doing counseling – of working for and with those who want help understanding and changing behavior - I have not met anyone who needs to be thrown out with the bathwater. I have certainly met those who tried to understand their own behavior and may blame it on other people, places, events, or situations. They may honestly believe others cause them to be angry and to behave in a very abusive manner.
I have and do work with those who have a mental illness including addiction which prevents them from considering the needs of others. I never advice anyone to live with an active addict or those whose serious mental illness has not been or cannot be treated. This is especially true when there are children in the home who need and deserve a safe place to live. I do not, however, suggest divorce as the first option. While it may be necessary to physically separate I know that change is possible.
I am reminded of Father Greg Boyle who works for/with those who are ready to consider leaving the very violent of life of Los Angeles gangs:
“you stand with the least likely to succeed until success is succeeded by something more valuable: kinship. You stand with the belligerent, the surly, and the badly behaved until bad behavior is recognized for the language it is: the vocabulary of the wounded and of those whose burdens are more than they can bear.”
For many years I worked with local domestic violence programs. I have also worked in prisons with very violent men. I have certainly met those for whom I did not find a way to create a safe enough space for them to share the pain beneath the anger. I have also met and worked for/with those who wanted help letting go of their abusive behavior and dealing with the underlying pain. Many of my friends who are also my colleagues have specialized in helping men who have been violent towards those they love reclaim themselves.
I have also worked for/with spouses and children of those who are living with domestic violence. When nothing else worked I have helped many connect with the local shelter or find another safe place.
I always assume that barring untreatable mental illness and other diseases affecting the brain that change is not only possible but that if shown the way - if given the support - we can all reach deep within ourselves and heal our wounds. I “know” that there is a kind, loving person there desperate for loving connection.
It is also worth knowing that even in the age of Covid-19 counselors are working and many, including me, will see a person for the amount they can afford to pay if they do not have insurance which covers the cost.
None of us are ever just angry, violent people. We can be angry, even violent, and a great parent and thoughtful partner. If however we cannot let go of the anger the damage will drown the desire to be a loving parent and spouse/partner.
Let’s not throw out the baby with the bathwater.
Written April 28, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
I am not sure when I first heard the advice, “Do not throw out the baby with the bathwater.” It may have been from Grandma Fannie or someone else. It was a common enough saying that one could also find a question about its meaning on intelligence tests.
Yesterday I was scrolling through the news and happened on an item regarding advice from an on line advice site to a wife who is concerned about her husband’s worsening anger. The wife did not indicate that the husband has been or was threatening physical violence toward her or the child. She was, however, appropriately concerned about the affect his anger was having on the child and the tension it was creating in the very air of their home, especially now that they are both working from home. I was saddened by the advice offered to this wife who said that he was overall a great father and a thoughtful husband. The advice columnist said: “He is not a ‘great father’ and he is not a “very thoughtful husband,” and I think when it becomes remotely feasible, you should have a consultation with a divorce lawyer.” If he rouses himself to enter some serious anger management therapy, and you see meaningful changes, great. You cannot raise a child with someone you have to constantly walk on eggshells around.”
This responds disturbed me a lot for the following reasons:
- Someone can indeed be a great parent, a very thoughtful partner and also have very serious issues which need addressed.
- Divorce does not have to be the first or only option.
- The behavior needs to change. Anger is a serious issue.
- The wife needs to lovingly and firmly let husband know that he is not a bad person and that help is available.
- The wife need to determine if husband agrees on core values and corresponding behavior which they want to model and teach their child.
In over 50 years of doing counseling – of working for and with those who want help understanding and changing behavior - I have not met anyone who needs to be thrown out with the bathwater. I have certainly met those who tried to understand their own behavior and may blame it on other people, places, events, or situations. They may honestly believe others cause them to be angry and to behave in a very abusive manner.
I have and do work with those who have a mental illness including addiction which prevents them from considering the needs of others. I never advice anyone to live with an active addict or those whose serious mental illness has not been or cannot be treated. This is especially true when there are children in the home who need and deserve a safe place to live. I do not, however, suggest divorce as the first option. While it may be necessary to physically separate I know that change is possible.
I am reminded of Father Greg Boyle who works for/with those who are ready to consider leaving the very violent of life of Los Angeles gangs:
“you stand with the least likely to succeed until success is succeeded by something more valuable: kinship. You stand with the belligerent, the surly, and the badly behaved until bad behavior is recognized for the language it is: the vocabulary of the wounded and of those whose burdens are more than they can bear.”
For many years I worked with local domestic violence programs. I have also worked in prisons with very violent men. I have certainly met those for whom I did not find a way to create a safe enough space for them to share the pain beneath the anger. I have also met and worked for/with those who wanted help letting go of their abusive behavior and dealing with the underlying pain. Many of my friends who are also my colleagues have specialized in helping men who have been violent towards those they love reclaim themselves.
I have also worked for/with spouses and children of those who are living with domestic violence. When nothing else worked I have helped many connect with the local shelter or find another safe place.
I always assume that barring untreatable mental illness and other diseases affecting the brain that change is not only possible but that if shown the way - if given the support - we can all reach deep within ourselves and heal our wounds. I “know” that there is a kind, loving person there desperate for loving connection.
It is also worth knowing that even in the age of Covid-19 counselors are working and many, including me, will see a person for the amount they can afford to pay if they do not have insurance which covers the cost.
None of us are ever just angry, violent people. We can be angry, even violent, and a great parent and thoughtful partner. If however we cannot let go of the anger the damage will drown the desire to be a loving parent and spouse/partner.
Let’s not throw out the baby with the bathwater.
Written April 28, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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