To what end?
I often ask myself what is my long-term goal? I may, at times, discover that my long-term goal and short-term goal are not the same despite what I might be telling myself. Observing my own behavior may suggest something about my goal. If I “find” myself rushing to get through a task all the while telling myself that I want to do a quality job, I know that I am lying to myself. If my action says that my goal is different than my stated goal, then I am going to experience some internal dissonance.
Earlier this week I saw a client whose goal is to quit allowing anxiety and addictive behavior to dictate his relationship with himself and his wife. A couple of days later he texted to tell me that he was unwilling to attend 12-step meetings because he is uncomfortable at meetings. I replied suggesting he ask himself whether his long-term goal was comfort or the health of himself and his marriage. As far as I know there is no way to do recovery from active addiction without some degree of discomfort. Change and, in this case rather significant change, is uncomfortable. In the past he has chosen comfort over recovery and being the person and husband a part of him wants to be.
Prior to opening a counseling business in 1990, the other counselors who were going to work in this practice and I spent hours attempting to articulate the philosophy and mission of the business. The decision was to attempt to create a space where it was safe for staff to continue their healing journey and to invite those who would be called clients to continue their journey. Another goal was to do everything we could to keep expenses low and make it possible to see clients for what they could afford to pay. We asked clients to look at their budget and pay as much of the full fee as they could. Although we were clear that we needed to pay our bills, none of us believed that we needed to be wealthy. As I look back, I certainly did not always behave in a way which was consistent with the stated mission. I could provide a long list of particular times that I behaved in a manner which was inconsistent with the goals to which we had agreed. I would like to believe today that my behavior is more often consistent with my stated goals although I know that I must continually strive to be honest with myself and others so that I can identify the behaviors I need to change if there is going to be cognitive and behavior synchronicity.
For many years there was a restaurant in a section of Pittsburgh which was known as a gathering place for those who wanted to meet and talk with interesting people. It was, prior to the popularity of coffee houses in the United States, a place where one went to be fed intellectually and sometimes emotionally. One did not go to this restaurant expecting to get quality food. In fact, the food was overpriced, unhealthy and not even tasty. Their stated goal to be a quality restaurant became secondary to the reality of it being a coffee house. They eventually went bankrupt. They had many customers who only ordered the relatively inexpensive and foul tasting coffee or drank water.
I was reading an editorial in The Intelligencer, the morning of April 13, the author of which asked about the recent decision of the President of the United Stated to bomb sections of Syria, “To what end?” It was not clear to the writer what the President hoped to accomplish in Syria. Whatever interfering military action the United States or other nations take in Syria is going to affect many parts of the Middle East. It is not clear that the President has a long-term plan or even a short-term plan which is likely to promote a goal of peace.
It would seem as individuals and as a nation we are vulnerable to an emotional reaction with no clear, realistic goal other than to prove that we are not happy or do not approve of the behavior of another individual, group or nation.
The serenity prayer is a vital part of the foundation of the 12-step programs and is often used by many of us not in a 12-step program. It was, after all, not originally written by or for the founders of the 12-step program. Yet, these same founders recognized that if one does not keep the focus on what is under one’s control one is going to get very frustrated and fail to achieve the goal of recovery.
My own experience continues to be such that I must continually ask myself, to what end? What is my long-term goal? This question is important whether I am talking about physical fitness, emotional fitness, spiritual fitness, professional growth or something as simple as cleaning house. If my goal is a cosmetic makeover I need to accept the consequences of that short-term goal. If, on the other hand, I am interested in more than cosmetics, I will have to stay focused on the behaviors which will more likely allow me to achieve long term goals.
My friend Becky is very honest and consistent with doing what she needs to do to achieve long-term goals. Whether she is cleaning house, planning a workshop, addressing a health issue or some other goal she does a thorough job. On the other hand, if her goal is to give Tiger the cat some quality time while she incidentally changes the bedding, the bedding change may take a very long time.
Articulating and staying focused on long-term goals may demand painful honesty, and the willingness to experience discomfort. It may also require an enormous amount of patience. We may find that the goal we had hoped to achieve is not possible to accomplish at this time or ever. We must be willing to accept that.
This morning I was texting with a friend who asked if my day would be fulfilling. I replied that it would be as long as I could keep myself out of the way. What I meant is that my stated goal is to help support and guide clients in achieving their goals. Sometimes I have a goal for clients which may not be consistent with their goals. Their behavior may clearly tell me that they are not ready to let go of some unhealthy behavior. It is not my goal or my job to try to force them to achieve what I think is best for them. If they need or believe they need to behave in a certain manner, even if I think it will result in a terrible outcome, it is my job to respect their goal. I may need to guide them in being honest with themselves but it is not my goal to “insist” they work on my goal for them. That is me getting in the way. It is important that I be honest with myself. For many years, I said I wanted to quit smoking cigarettes. The truth was that I wanted to quit smoking cigarettes as long as I was comfortable doing so. That was not realistic. I was not willing to suffer the discomfort of becoming nicotine free. I eventually decided that I was ready and would do what it took to be nicotine free. I changed my end from being comfortable to becoming nicotine free.
This nation of which I am a citizen may need to decide what its end goal is. Is it to model creating a country in which people are free to pursue dreams which are mutually healthy or is it to focus on making other countries behave in a way we decide is healthy for them? Can both goals be accomplished? Is there another possible goal?
Focusing on end goals is not for those seeking comfort or a softer easier way. It is hard, spiritually demanding work.
Written April 13, 2017
I often ask myself what is my long-term goal? I may, at times, discover that my long-term goal and short-term goal are not the same despite what I might be telling myself. Observing my own behavior may suggest something about my goal. If I “find” myself rushing to get through a task all the while telling myself that I want to do a quality job, I know that I am lying to myself. If my action says that my goal is different than my stated goal, then I am going to experience some internal dissonance.
Earlier this week I saw a client whose goal is to quit allowing anxiety and addictive behavior to dictate his relationship with himself and his wife. A couple of days later he texted to tell me that he was unwilling to attend 12-step meetings because he is uncomfortable at meetings. I replied suggesting he ask himself whether his long-term goal was comfort or the health of himself and his marriage. As far as I know there is no way to do recovery from active addiction without some degree of discomfort. Change and, in this case rather significant change, is uncomfortable. In the past he has chosen comfort over recovery and being the person and husband a part of him wants to be.
Prior to opening a counseling business in 1990, the other counselors who were going to work in this practice and I spent hours attempting to articulate the philosophy and mission of the business. The decision was to attempt to create a space where it was safe for staff to continue their healing journey and to invite those who would be called clients to continue their journey. Another goal was to do everything we could to keep expenses low and make it possible to see clients for what they could afford to pay. We asked clients to look at their budget and pay as much of the full fee as they could. Although we were clear that we needed to pay our bills, none of us believed that we needed to be wealthy. As I look back, I certainly did not always behave in a way which was consistent with the stated mission. I could provide a long list of particular times that I behaved in a manner which was inconsistent with the goals to which we had agreed. I would like to believe today that my behavior is more often consistent with my stated goals although I know that I must continually strive to be honest with myself and others so that I can identify the behaviors I need to change if there is going to be cognitive and behavior synchronicity.
For many years there was a restaurant in a section of Pittsburgh which was known as a gathering place for those who wanted to meet and talk with interesting people. It was, prior to the popularity of coffee houses in the United States, a place where one went to be fed intellectually and sometimes emotionally. One did not go to this restaurant expecting to get quality food. In fact, the food was overpriced, unhealthy and not even tasty. Their stated goal to be a quality restaurant became secondary to the reality of it being a coffee house. They eventually went bankrupt. They had many customers who only ordered the relatively inexpensive and foul tasting coffee or drank water.
I was reading an editorial in The Intelligencer, the morning of April 13, the author of which asked about the recent decision of the President of the United Stated to bomb sections of Syria, “To what end?” It was not clear to the writer what the President hoped to accomplish in Syria. Whatever interfering military action the United States or other nations take in Syria is going to affect many parts of the Middle East. It is not clear that the President has a long-term plan or even a short-term plan which is likely to promote a goal of peace.
It would seem as individuals and as a nation we are vulnerable to an emotional reaction with no clear, realistic goal other than to prove that we are not happy or do not approve of the behavior of another individual, group or nation.
The serenity prayer is a vital part of the foundation of the 12-step programs and is often used by many of us not in a 12-step program. It was, after all, not originally written by or for the founders of the 12-step program. Yet, these same founders recognized that if one does not keep the focus on what is under one’s control one is going to get very frustrated and fail to achieve the goal of recovery.
My own experience continues to be such that I must continually ask myself, to what end? What is my long-term goal? This question is important whether I am talking about physical fitness, emotional fitness, spiritual fitness, professional growth or something as simple as cleaning house. If my goal is a cosmetic makeover I need to accept the consequences of that short-term goal. If, on the other hand, I am interested in more than cosmetics, I will have to stay focused on the behaviors which will more likely allow me to achieve long term goals.
My friend Becky is very honest and consistent with doing what she needs to do to achieve long-term goals. Whether she is cleaning house, planning a workshop, addressing a health issue or some other goal she does a thorough job. On the other hand, if her goal is to give Tiger the cat some quality time while she incidentally changes the bedding, the bedding change may take a very long time.
Articulating and staying focused on long-term goals may demand painful honesty, and the willingness to experience discomfort. It may also require an enormous amount of patience. We may find that the goal we had hoped to achieve is not possible to accomplish at this time or ever. We must be willing to accept that.
This morning I was texting with a friend who asked if my day would be fulfilling. I replied that it would be as long as I could keep myself out of the way. What I meant is that my stated goal is to help support and guide clients in achieving their goals. Sometimes I have a goal for clients which may not be consistent with their goals. Their behavior may clearly tell me that they are not ready to let go of some unhealthy behavior. It is not my goal or my job to try to force them to achieve what I think is best for them. If they need or believe they need to behave in a certain manner, even if I think it will result in a terrible outcome, it is my job to respect their goal. I may need to guide them in being honest with themselves but it is not my goal to “insist” they work on my goal for them. That is me getting in the way. It is important that I be honest with myself. For many years, I said I wanted to quit smoking cigarettes. The truth was that I wanted to quit smoking cigarettes as long as I was comfortable doing so. That was not realistic. I was not willing to suffer the discomfort of becoming nicotine free. I eventually decided that I was ready and would do what it took to be nicotine free. I changed my end from being comfortable to becoming nicotine free.
This nation of which I am a citizen may need to decide what its end goal is. Is it to model creating a country in which people are free to pursue dreams which are mutually healthy or is it to focus on making other countries behave in a way we decide is healthy for them? Can both goals be accomplished? Is there another possible goal?
Focusing on end goals is not for those seeking comfort or a softer easier way. It is hard, spiritually demanding work.
Written April 13, 2017
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