Tough Love
Tough love is a phrase which has been around for some time. Generally, it is used to refer to the practice of setting clear, precise limits and expectation with others, especially children. It is often recommended as a way for parents or other family members to deal with an active addict, an acting out adolescents or a family member with another mental illness. In theory, tough love can be a very helpful and positive approach. Addiction and many other illnesses affects how the brain works or does not work. Overriding the lies, distortion and discomfort of disease such as addition to get help is not for the faint of heart. As anyone who has attempted to change behavior such as the use of nicotine or an unhealthy diet knows, the more one thinks of giving up a long-standing behavior the stronger is the craving for the behavior or substance. That is why one of the common sayings of those in the 12 step programs is that one begins to work a recovery program when one is sick and tired of being sick and tired. In other words, the person has to become so miserable and desperate that they are willing to suffer extreme discomfort to try to have a less desperate life in the long term. The tough love approach assumes or hopes that if the person with a disorder such as addiction has to experience the negative consequences of their behavior that they will get sick and tired quicker and then be willing to live with the discomfort of early treatment/recovery. This approach does sometimes work. Since the brain of the active addict is frequently working at the level of a young teenager it is not surprising that the same techniques are used both with active addicts and the out of control, acting out adolescent.
I suspect that this approach is particularly effective for those adults who have a prior history of functioning well as an adult. Adolescents, others with mental illness, or those whose addiction began in adolescence may not have the ability to appreciate or realize that past the discomfort of the initial change in behavior is a life that can be rewarding and of which one can be proud.
Sadly, tough love is often tried when family members or others involved with the individuals have “had it” with the adolescent or addict. They are angry, frustrated, exhausted and just want/need some relief. What they may hear is TOUGH love rather than tough LOVE. The first is likely is likely to elicit more reactionary, negative behavior. The second – tough LOVE – has a better chance of being helpful. That after all is the goal - healing/positive change – for that person who has been buried by the dysfunctional, acting out or addict brain.
One tries the tough love approach because nothing else has been helpful and not just because one is sick, sick, sick of the problem which has held the family hostage often for a very long time.
Some key points to remember about using tough love are:
Those who have not lived through the experience of acute/dangerous acting out behavior by an adolescent, active addict or other mental illness cannot know what it is like for the family. When a family is not able or ready to use tough love, or uses it in anger they do not need judgement or criticism. They need support and understanding.
It is also important to remember when dealing with a sick spouse or child of any age one often sees the person they married or that sweet, innocent baby they welcomed into the family. One “knows” that child or spouse is still “there” at some level. On just knows it. It is heart breaking when that person is “missing in action!”. Expecting the family member(s) to use tough love when their heart is breaking may be unrealistic. Acknowledging that the relationship with the sick person or acting out adolescent is complicated can feel very supportive. Tough LOVE may still be the only option, but it is not easy or comfortable.
Written February 4, 2017
Tough love is a phrase which has been around for some time. Generally, it is used to refer to the practice of setting clear, precise limits and expectation with others, especially children. It is often recommended as a way for parents or other family members to deal with an active addict, an acting out adolescents or a family member with another mental illness. In theory, tough love can be a very helpful and positive approach. Addiction and many other illnesses affects how the brain works or does not work. Overriding the lies, distortion and discomfort of disease such as addition to get help is not for the faint of heart. As anyone who has attempted to change behavior such as the use of nicotine or an unhealthy diet knows, the more one thinks of giving up a long-standing behavior the stronger is the craving for the behavior or substance. That is why one of the common sayings of those in the 12 step programs is that one begins to work a recovery program when one is sick and tired of being sick and tired. In other words, the person has to become so miserable and desperate that they are willing to suffer extreme discomfort to try to have a less desperate life in the long term. The tough love approach assumes or hopes that if the person with a disorder such as addiction has to experience the negative consequences of their behavior that they will get sick and tired quicker and then be willing to live with the discomfort of early treatment/recovery. This approach does sometimes work. Since the brain of the active addict is frequently working at the level of a young teenager it is not surprising that the same techniques are used both with active addicts and the out of control, acting out adolescent.
I suspect that this approach is particularly effective for those adults who have a prior history of functioning well as an adult. Adolescents, others with mental illness, or those whose addiction began in adolescence may not have the ability to appreciate or realize that past the discomfort of the initial change in behavior is a life that can be rewarding and of which one can be proud.
Sadly, tough love is often tried when family members or others involved with the individuals have “had it” with the adolescent or addict. They are angry, frustrated, exhausted and just want/need some relief. What they may hear is TOUGH love rather than tough LOVE. The first is likely is likely to elicit more reactionary, negative behavior. The second – tough LOVE – has a better chance of being helpful. That after all is the goal - healing/positive change – for that person who has been buried by the dysfunctional, acting out or addict brain.
One tries the tough love approach because nothing else has been helpful and not just because one is sick, sick, sick of the problem which has held the family hostage often for a very long time.
Some key points to remember about using tough love are:
- The goal is healing for the sick person and the family members.
- The muddled brain adolescent, mentally ill person, or adult addict is not a bad person and did not consciously order this brain or condition on Amazon.
- It is important to set clear, achievable goals within a time frame which is realistic. One does not say to the adult addict who is living with their parent(s) that they have one week to be self-supporting, clean/sober and living in their own home.
- There must be clear consequences for the person who does not achieve the stated, realistic goal. Consequences must be enforceable.
- The purpose of consequences is teaching and not punishment.
- No matter how clear and realistic the plan may seem to the individual or family, the adolescent or ill member may decide that they cannot do “life on life’s terms” and may act out more in a very destructive manner or even commit suicide. At the same time, it must be accepted that if the addict or acting out adolescent continues on their current path the chances of them dying is also very high.
- Tough love is most effectively used when one has a lot of emotional support such as from support groups such as Alanon.
- If there are couples or other family members involved, then they must all agree to use tough LOVE and to live with the consequences. Remember that it is used when all other approaches have failed.
Those who have not lived through the experience of acute/dangerous acting out behavior by an adolescent, active addict or other mental illness cannot know what it is like for the family. When a family is not able or ready to use tough love, or uses it in anger they do not need judgement or criticism. They need support and understanding.
It is also important to remember when dealing with a sick spouse or child of any age one often sees the person they married or that sweet, innocent baby they welcomed into the family. One “knows” that child or spouse is still “there” at some level. On just knows it. It is heart breaking when that person is “missing in action!”. Expecting the family member(s) to use tough love when their heart is breaking may be unrealistic. Acknowledging that the relationship with the sick person or acting out adolescent is complicated can feel very supportive. Tough LOVE may still be the only option, but it is not easy or comfortable.
Written February 4, 2017
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