Tough love – co-dependence – Fierce Compassion – just mad
I love language although I am a novice in appreciating the richness of it. Yet, I try to be aware of the power of words and how they are delivered. I know that as recently as yesterday I delivered a group of words said in anger. Although I think it would have been appropriate to be clear and assertive, I was, as Professor Robert Thurman says “just plain mad.” I know that rather than accepting that I had failed to anticipate the extent to which I needed to document extensive damage done to my belongings, I foolishly expected the delivery driver and the individuals processing my damage claim to be honest and to not make the process more complicated that it needed to be. My bad.
I could have blamed my anger on the behavior of the company staff. Clearly nothing they did justified my anger. Neither was my anger a reasonable choice if I wanted to clearly communicate with the staff of this company.
In the conversation Mr. Thurman and Ms. Salzberg had with the host of On Being on January 1, 2015, Mr. Thurman is very clear that sometimes he is just angry. This admission was in the context of a conversation on tough love or what some Tibetan Buddhist sometimes call “fierce compassion.”. The conversation is a segment of a larger conversation about loving one’s enemy.
Co-dependent is a term which has been liberally used by many of my colleagues and self-help gurus for some time. My experience is that it is frequently used to admonish or criticize someone for not allowing a person to suffer the consequences of their behavior and when a family member, intimate acquaintance, or professional is unable or unwilling to do so, they are labeled as a co-dependent. Often when I hear some say this, it is in a tone of voice which makes it clear the one has failed an adult test. I seldom feel as if their accusation comes from the heart of the speaker or with any hint of compassion for how difficult it is to know the next right thing to do. The speaker who is judging the action of those they are labeling as co-dependent seems to think that throwing one’s addicted child or entitled child into the cold is natural and ultimately kind. In fact, there may be times when it is important to set very clear and seemingly, to some, harsh limits with a loved one, a client, a student or someone else. Yet, often when I have talked with colleagues and others about setting such limits, I am hard pressed to experience any compassion or humility. The term fierce compassion reminds me of several important factors:
· At best, one is making an educated guess about what action might be helpful with someone.
· An action which works well with someone might not work or help another.
· Another person cannot do anything which is worse than my most unthinking, unkind, thoughtless behavior. I find that I am hard pressed to rank “sins.”
· If I am truly practicing tough love or fierce compassion I need to be acutely aware that the behavior of the other person is not about me. If I want to truly give the other person respect then I have to be honest with myself about the reason I am considering new limits or other actions which might seem harsh. If I am clearly wanting to help the other person see a clearer path, my anger or judgment will not help them.
· Just because I say something from the heart and have the purest possible intentions does not mean the other person will hear me that way or if they do hear me that way their fear or other emotions might not allow them to let them know that.
· We humans are very fragile and very strong.
I like the term fierce compassion. Others may find it lacks the “punch” of tough love.
When I practice tough love or fierce compassion I am taking the risk that I can make an educated guess about what might be helpful or even less harmful for another person. That is all it is – an educated guess. Sometimes, as with some limits a friend of mine set with her mother-in-law this past year, a person is able to face some sad realities and make a healthier decision. When this mother-in-law made a healthier, but a tough, new decision, my friend helped her make the needed transition and constantly rewarded the new behavior. My friend did not say, “I told you so. It is about time you stubborn, inconsiderate, old….” No, my friend recognized this was a tough transition but one which sorely needed to be made.
Decisions which come from the heart may not always have positive outcomes, but the chances of a positive outcome are much greater. Decisions made just because a person is mad, tired or they have “had it” are not kind and are not likely to result in positive results.
Written December 20, 2016
I love language although I am a novice in appreciating the richness of it. Yet, I try to be aware of the power of words and how they are delivered. I know that as recently as yesterday I delivered a group of words said in anger. Although I think it would have been appropriate to be clear and assertive, I was, as Professor Robert Thurman says “just plain mad.” I know that rather than accepting that I had failed to anticipate the extent to which I needed to document extensive damage done to my belongings, I foolishly expected the delivery driver and the individuals processing my damage claim to be honest and to not make the process more complicated that it needed to be. My bad.
I could have blamed my anger on the behavior of the company staff. Clearly nothing they did justified my anger. Neither was my anger a reasonable choice if I wanted to clearly communicate with the staff of this company.
In the conversation Mr. Thurman and Ms. Salzberg had with the host of On Being on January 1, 2015, Mr. Thurman is very clear that sometimes he is just angry. This admission was in the context of a conversation on tough love or what some Tibetan Buddhist sometimes call “fierce compassion.”. The conversation is a segment of a larger conversation about loving one’s enemy.
Co-dependent is a term which has been liberally used by many of my colleagues and self-help gurus for some time. My experience is that it is frequently used to admonish or criticize someone for not allowing a person to suffer the consequences of their behavior and when a family member, intimate acquaintance, or professional is unable or unwilling to do so, they are labeled as a co-dependent. Often when I hear some say this, it is in a tone of voice which makes it clear the one has failed an adult test. I seldom feel as if their accusation comes from the heart of the speaker or with any hint of compassion for how difficult it is to know the next right thing to do. The speaker who is judging the action of those they are labeling as co-dependent seems to think that throwing one’s addicted child or entitled child into the cold is natural and ultimately kind. In fact, there may be times when it is important to set very clear and seemingly, to some, harsh limits with a loved one, a client, a student or someone else. Yet, often when I have talked with colleagues and others about setting such limits, I am hard pressed to experience any compassion or humility. The term fierce compassion reminds me of several important factors:
· At best, one is making an educated guess about what action might be helpful with someone.
· An action which works well with someone might not work or help another.
· Another person cannot do anything which is worse than my most unthinking, unkind, thoughtless behavior. I find that I am hard pressed to rank “sins.”
· If I am truly practicing tough love or fierce compassion I need to be acutely aware that the behavior of the other person is not about me. If I want to truly give the other person respect then I have to be honest with myself about the reason I am considering new limits or other actions which might seem harsh. If I am clearly wanting to help the other person see a clearer path, my anger or judgment will not help them.
· Just because I say something from the heart and have the purest possible intentions does not mean the other person will hear me that way or if they do hear me that way their fear or other emotions might not allow them to let them know that.
· We humans are very fragile and very strong.
I like the term fierce compassion. Others may find it lacks the “punch” of tough love.
When I practice tough love or fierce compassion I am taking the risk that I can make an educated guess about what might be helpful or even less harmful for another person. That is all it is – an educated guess. Sometimes, as with some limits a friend of mine set with her mother-in-law this past year, a person is able to face some sad realities and make a healthier decision. When this mother-in-law made a healthier, but a tough, new decision, my friend helped her make the needed transition and constantly rewarded the new behavior. My friend did not say, “I told you so. It is about time you stubborn, inconsiderate, old….” No, my friend recognized this was a tough transition but one which sorely needed to be made.
Decisions which come from the heart may not always have positive outcomes, but the chances of a positive outcome are much greater. Decisions made just because a person is mad, tired or they have “had it” are not kind and are not likely to result in positive results.
Written December 20, 2016
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