Twelve-year old Paul explores listening
I love the time of the winter season when it is beginning to be obvious that daylight is winning. It seems for a long time it is dark when I arise in the morning and it is dark when I go to bed. Then one morning I get up and by the time I am ready to go to the gym, it is beginning to be more light than darkness. By the time I leave the gym until well past my dinner hour, the light has pushed out the darkness. There is not only more light but there is an energy which many of us associate with the approaching spring. Everything is new and we can make a fresh start every day.
Thus it was that I could see my 12-year-old friend coming across the path from the house next door.
Me: Good morning, Paul. It is so good to see you. What would you like to drink?
Paul: Could we make fresh orange juice Uncle Jim? Do you have oranges?
Me: I do and we can. Come on in Paul.
I get the Electric juicer out and plug it in. I also got the lovely pottery pitcher my potter friend M made some time ago. Wonderful blues, greens, and hints of yellows play with each other on the surface of the pitcher
Me: Paul, why don’t you bring a dozen oranges over here to the cutting board.
Paul is now old enough I feel confident that he can safely cut the oranges and hold each half on the top of the juicer which it rotates and extracts the juice.
Paul: Shall I do all 12 Uncle Jim?
Me: I think so Paul.
Soon the job is done. Paul puts the orange remains in the compost pan and I wash the juicer parts.
Paul very carefully pours two glasses of orange juice. More and more often I notice that he is considerate of others. I know that may temporarily change again as he begins to cope with all the physical and emotional changes of the teen years.
Paul: We have to give a talk at school on listening and mpathetic. No, that is not right Wait! I have it written down.
While Paul is looking for where he has written down the assignment. I write the words listening and empathetic on the small blackboard in the kitchen.
Paul: Here it is Uncle Jim – listening and e m pathi ic
Me: Empathic. Here. I will write the diacritical marking on the board. Empathy - empathic
Paul: Empathy?
Me: Yes, the ability of empathy which allows on to be empathic. Great. Do we need to look it up in the dictionary before we start?
Paul: I guess. I will get the big dictionary.
Paul gets the big dictionary off the shelf.
Paul: Here it is Uncle Jim.
Empathy
The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
Me: What do you think understand means?
Paul. Well, when you told me to get the oranges I understood you.
Me: Yes, that is part of it but what if I said I feel sad because my friend Tony is sick.
Paul: I don’t know Tony but I would be sorry that he is sick. I would be sad for you but not so much for Tony since I do not know him.
Me: That is very good Paul. Let use another example. If you told me that you were frustrated with Sam always bothering you. I would understand you and I could share your feelings although I am not frustrated with Sam. I do remember having a little brother who bothered me all the time. You have met my brother Ed. I really love and enjoy him now, but when I was your age he sometimes seemed to be a nuisance.
Paul: So we can both understand what it means to be frustrated with someone.
Me: Yes and we both know what it is like to feel sad although we may not be sad about the same things all the time.
Paul: Listening seems pretty simple Uncle Jim. I do not need to look that word up.
Me: It probably would not help to look it up but most of us do not listen well.
Paul: What do you mean Uncle Jim?
Me: Well, Paul, often when someone is talking we are thinking of how we are going to respond. Also, it is important to know that we hear with our brain and not our ears.
Paul: Uncle Jim, if I did not have ears I could not hear.
‘
Me: That is true Paul. We need our ears to carry the sound waves to our brain. Remember one day we looked at some visual pictures of the sound waves. Once the sound wave reaches our brain we have to interpret what we hear. If you are speaking Arabic and I do not know Arabic, I will hear the sounds waves but I will not know what you said. If I am deaf, I may feel the sound waves and see your lips.
Paul: That makes sense Uncle Jim, but if speak English you will know what I said.
Me: Well, if you say something I know already I will, but if you tell me about a new song I do know or a new person in your class it will not mean anything to me.
Paul: But you still hear me uncle Jim.
Me: I get the sound waves, but I may have no idea of what or who you are talking about. For example, if you are leaning about dark matter in space and I never heard of dark matter what you say will not mean anything.
The other thing that we need to know is sometimes I think I know what you are going to say and that is what I think I hear. Let’s take a small example. You have always liked blueberries in your pancakes haven’t you?
Paul: Yes.
Me: Let’s suppose you said I want strawberries and I was not paying close attention. I might think you said blueberries because that is what I am used to hearing.
Paul: Sometimes I think mom is going to say no because she always says no but this one times she says yes. I hear what I expect her to say. Is that what you mean Uncle Jim?
Me: That is exactly what I mean Paul. You are so good at learning. I am so proud of you.
Paul: Thanks Uncle Jim.
Me: Let’s talk about how we can practice listening. It is an exercise called active listening. I am going to say something and you are going to repeat back to me what I said. Okay?
Paul: Okay.
Me: Repeat after me. Empathy means I understand and share what you are feeling.
Paul: Empathy means getting what you are saying.
Me: No, active listening is repeating the exact words back to each other.
Paul: No, active listening is …
Me: Active listening is repeating the exact words.
Paul: Active listening is repeating the exact words.
Me: back to each other.
Paul: back to each other.
Me: Very good.
Paul: Very good. It is hard to remember more than a couple of words Uncle Jim.
Me: Yes, it is. This is partly because we are already thinking about what we want to say. Even doctors and teachers have a really difficult time with this exercise. I went to a workshop led by a man, Stephen Covey, who helped some teachers, doctors, and counselors practice. We were terrible at first.
Paul: You too Uncle Jim?
Me: Yes, me too. I thought I listened pretty well but that was not true.
Paul: Can we write down what we have talked about and then I can try to explain to mom and dad and see how I do before I have to do it in class.
Me: Great idea Paul. Here is a 3 x5 card. We can write on it.
Paul: Okay. First we talked about empathy – understanding and sharing feelings, right Uncle Jim?
Me: Very good.
Paul: Then we talked about listening – hearing with our brain and not our ears. Then we talked about active listening.
Me: Yes. You are doing really well. Let me suggest we write it down this way.
Paul: Okay.
Me: Here, let’s try this:
1. Empathy
a. understanding
b. sharing
2. Listening
a. brain not ears
b. hearing what we expect to hear
c. active listening
Paul: Thanks Uncle Jim. That is called an outline.
Me: Yes. Here I will make a copy so that we have it just in case.
I use the printer in the study and make a couple of copies. I keep one and give the original card and copy to Paul.
Paul: Thanks Uncle Jim. I have to go now.
Me: You are welcome. Come back tomorrow and let me know how you are doing or if you need more practice.
Paul: Okay. Bye.
Me: See you later.
Written January 29, 2015
I love the time of the winter season when it is beginning to be obvious that daylight is winning. It seems for a long time it is dark when I arise in the morning and it is dark when I go to bed. Then one morning I get up and by the time I am ready to go to the gym, it is beginning to be more light than darkness. By the time I leave the gym until well past my dinner hour, the light has pushed out the darkness. There is not only more light but there is an energy which many of us associate with the approaching spring. Everything is new and we can make a fresh start every day.
Thus it was that I could see my 12-year-old friend coming across the path from the house next door.
Me: Good morning, Paul. It is so good to see you. What would you like to drink?
Paul: Could we make fresh orange juice Uncle Jim? Do you have oranges?
Me: I do and we can. Come on in Paul.
I get the Electric juicer out and plug it in. I also got the lovely pottery pitcher my potter friend M made some time ago. Wonderful blues, greens, and hints of yellows play with each other on the surface of the pitcher
Me: Paul, why don’t you bring a dozen oranges over here to the cutting board.
Paul is now old enough I feel confident that he can safely cut the oranges and hold each half on the top of the juicer which it rotates and extracts the juice.
Paul: Shall I do all 12 Uncle Jim?
Me: I think so Paul.
Soon the job is done. Paul puts the orange remains in the compost pan and I wash the juicer parts.
Paul very carefully pours two glasses of orange juice. More and more often I notice that he is considerate of others. I know that may temporarily change again as he begins to cope with all the physical and emotional changes of the teen years.
Paul: We have to give a talk at school on listening and mpathetic. No, that is not right Wait! I have it written down.
While Paul is looking for where he has written down the assignment. I write the words listening and empathetic on the small blackboard in the kitchen.
Paul: Here it is Uncle Jim – listening and e m pathi ic
Me: Empathic. Here. I will write the diacritical marking on the board. Empathy - empathic
Paul: Empathy?
Me: Yes, the ability of empathy which allows on to be empathic. Great. Do we need to look it up in the dictionary before we start?
Paul: I guess. I will get the big dictionary.
Paul gets the big dictionary off the shelf.
Paul: Here it is Uncle Jim.
Empathy
The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
Me: What do you think understand means?
Paul. Well, when you told me to get the oranges I understood you.
Me: Yes, that is part of it but what if I said I feel sad because my friend Tony is sick.
Paul: I don’t know Tony but I would be sorry that he is sick. I would be sad for you but not so much for Tony since I do not know him.
Me: That is very good Paul. Let use another example. If you told me that you were frustrated with Sam always bothering you. I would understand you and I could share your feelings although I am not frustrated with Sam. I do remember having a little brother who bothered me all the time. You have met my brother Ed. I really love and enjoy him now, but when I was your age he sometimes seemed to be a nuisance.
Paul: So we can both understand what it means to be frustrated with someone.
Me: Yes and we both know what it is like to feel sad although we may not be sad about the same things all the time.
Paul: Listening seems pretty simple Uncle Jim. I do not need to look that word up.
Me: It probably would not help to look it up but most of us do not listen well.
Paul: What do you mean Uncle Jim?
Me: Well, Paul, often when someone is talking we are thinking of how we are going to respond. Also, it is important to know that we hear with our brain and not our ears.
Paul: Uncle Jim, if I did not have ears I could not hear.
‘
Me: That is true Paul. We need our ears to carry the sound waves to our brain. Remember one day we looked at some visual pictures of the sound waves. Once the sound wave reaches our brain we have to interpret what we hear. If you are speaking Arabic and I do not know Arabic, I will hear the sounds waves but I will not know what you said. If I am deaf, I may feel the sound waves and see your lips.
Paul: That makes sense Uncle Jim, but if speak English you will know what I said.
Me: Well, if you say something I know already I will, but if you tell me about a new song I do know or a new person in your class it will not mean anything to me.
Paul: But you still hear me uncle Jim.
Me: I get the sound waves, but I may have no idea of what or who you are talking about. For example, if you are leaning about dark matter in space and I never heard of dark matter what you say will not mean anything.
The other thing that we need to know is sometimes I think I know what you are going to say and that is what I think I hear. Let’s take a small example. You have always liked blueberries in your pancakes haven’t you?
Paul: Yes.
Me: Let’s suppose you said I want strawberries and I was not paying close attention. I might think you said blueberries because that is what I am used to hearing.
Paul: Sometimes I think mom is going to say no because she always says no but this one times she says yes. I hear what I expect her to say. Is that what you mean Uncle Jim?
Me: That is exactly what I mean Paul. You are so good at learning. I am so proud of you.
Paul: Thanks Uncle Jim.
Me: Let’s talk about how we can practice listening. It is an exercise called active listening. I am going to say something and you are going to repeat back to me what I said. Okay?
Paul: Okay.
Me: Repeat after me. Empathy means I understand and share what you are feeling.
Paul: Empathy means getting what you are saying.
Me: No, active listening is repeating the exact words back to each other.
Paul: No, active listening is …
Me: Active listening is repeating the exact words.
Paul: Active listening is repeating the exact words.
Me: back to each other.
Paul: back to each other.
Me: Very good.
Paul: Very good. It is hard to remember more than a couple of words Uncle Jim.
Me: Yes, it is. This is partly because we are already thinking about what we want to say. Even doctors and teachers have a really difficult time with this exercise. I went to a workshop led by a man, Stephen Covey, who helped some teachers, doctors, and counselors practice. We were terrible at first.
Paul: You too Uncle Jim?
Me: Yes, me too. I thought I listened pretty well but that was not true.
Paul: Can we write down what we have talked about and then I can try to explain to mom and dad and see how I do before I have to do it in class.
Me: Great idea Paul. Here is a 3 x5 card. We can write on it.
Paul: Okay. First we talked about empathy – understanding and sharing feelings, right Uncle Jim?
Me: Very good.
Paul: Then we talked about listening – hearing with our brain and not our ears. Then we talked about active listening.
Me: Yes. You are doing really well. Let me suggest we write it down this way.
Paul: Okay.
Me: Here, let’s try this:
1. Empathy
a. understanding
b. sharing
2. Listening
a. brain not ears
b. hearing what we expect to hear
c. active listening
Paul: Thanks Uncle Jim. That is called an outline.
Me: Yes. Here I will make a copy so that we have it just in case.
I use the printer in the study and make a couple of copies. I keep one and give the original card and copy to Paul.
Paul: Thanks Uncle Jim. I have to go now.
Me: You are welcome. Come back tomorrow and let me know how you are doing or if you need more practice.
Paul: Okay. Bye.
Me: See you later.
Written January 29, 2015
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