Understanding domestic violence
Domestic violence comes in many forms. Clearly the most immediately dangerous is physical – hitting, pushing, cutting, or physically threatening someone. Just as dangerous long term is systematically convincing someone that they are useless and/or helpless. Lenore Walker in her seminal book entitled The Battered Woman discussed learned helplessness. If one can convince another person that he or she is unable to take care of themselves and if one withholds all means of doing so – money, car, education, reputation– then one will likely be convinced that one is indeed unable to care for oneself. Perhaps the most insidious lie of all is being told by a clergy person or other person with moral or legal authority that one is responsible for domestic abuse. Obviously, one cannot make another person be abusive. One may be difficult to live with because of illness such as addiction, Alzheimer’s or some other condition but that still cannot cause someone to be abusive. In most cases if one is unable to muster up the energy to care for someone in a loving way there are other options. I do realize that sometimes the options are, at best, limited.
My purpose today is to address the abuse of an adult by one’s partner. The abuse of a child by as custodian or other person with authority presents different options than the abuse of an adult.
There are three major questions about domestic violence which I, as a counselor, often gets asked by others:
Why do adult individuals stay in abusive relationships? The answers are as varied as they are for getting married/agreeing to be a couple. They include:
Not all abuse is committed by males, but much of the abuse which is immediately physically dangerous is committed by males Women can, however, be physically and emotionally abusive; often for many of the same reasons as males are abusive.
Tomorrow I will briefly address the question of how we can help the person being abused. Following that I will address helping the abuser heal.. Obviously I have merely stated some of the facts which result in abuse and in people having a difficult time leaving an abusive relationship. The reader may note that I have not stated or even suggested that either the abused or the abuser are bad people. They are both victims of their own belief systems and/or an illness affecting the functioning of the brain.
Written April 26, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
Domestic violence comes in many forms. Clearly the most immediately dangerous is physical – hitting, pushing, cutting, or physically threatening someone. Just as dangerous long term is systematically convincing someone that they are useless and/or helpless. Lenore Walker in her seminal book entitled The Battered Woman discussed learned helplessness. If one can convince another person that he or she is unable to take care of themselves and if one withholds all means of doing so – money, car, education, reputation– then one will likely be convinced that one is indeed unable to care for oneself. Perhaps the most insidious lie of all is being told by a clergy person or other person with moral or legal authority that one is responsible for domestic abuse. Obviously, one cannot make another person be abusive. One may be difficult to live with because of illness such as addiction, Alzheimer’s or some other condition but that still cannot cause someone to be abusive. In most cases if one is unable to muster up the energy to care for someone in a loving way there are other options. I do realize that sometimes the options are, at best, limited.
My purpose today is to address the abuse of an adult by one’s partner. The abuse of a child by as custodian or other person with authority presents different options than the abuse of an adult.
There are three major questions about domestic violence which I, as a counselor, often gets asked by others:
- Why do adult individuals stay in an abusive relationship?
- Why does a person become abusive?
- How can one help the family where abuse is occurring?
Why do adult individuals stay in abusive relationships? The answers are as varied as they are for getting married/agreeing to be a couple. They include:
- Love. The belief that the person one fell in love with is still there. It matters not that the person may never have been able to be a loving partner.,
- The honeymoon phase – following abuse the abuser promises to change and may try to make up for being abusive by purchasing gifts or being more loving in general.
- Addiction – the person only becomes abusive when they have been drinking or using other drugs. Partner may know that once the abuser is in recovery abuse frequently stops.
- The abuser has some other medical condition such as Alzheimer’s or a brain tumor. One believes it is immoral to leave a sick person.
- The abuser is controlling all money, car keys, internet access and phone calls.
- Shame- abused person is shameful believing that they caused the abuse; that the abuse says something about them; that they made a mistake in choosing this partner, or the partner will reveal some other secret about them.
- Power – the abuser is a judge, attorney, doctor or other respected member of the community who everyone loves and respects. No one will believe the abused person who may have the power to obtain custody of the children.
- The abuser occupies a role in the community which confers an equally prestigious role on the abused person. The abused person may be attached to the role or the belief that they can only help other abused persons if they hold on to that role.
- The abused person is attached to the money and/or status of the abuser.
- The abused person thinks that leaving would make life too good or easy for the abuser. (The abused person is too angry to leave.)
- The abused person is a respected professional who no one will believe is trapped in an abusive marriage.
- The abused person believes that they cannot make it on their own and no one would want such damaged goods.
- The abused person believes the lies of the abuser and believes only the abuser can validate their worth or correct those lies.
- Stopping the abuse is a test of one’s faith, ability or worth.
- The abuse has left one too exhausted and/or depressed to take action.
Not all abuse is committed by males, but much of the abuse which is immediately physically dangerous is committed by males Women can, however, be physically and emotionally abusive; often for many of the same reasons as males are abusive.
Tomorrow I will briefly address the question of how we can help the person being abused. Following that I will address helping the abuser heal.. Obviously I have merely stated some of the facts which result in abuse and in people having a difficult time leaving an abusive relationship. The reader may note that I have not stated or even suggested that either the abused or the abuser are bad people. They are both victims of their own belief systems and/or an illness affecting the functioning of the brain.
Written April 26, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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