Vomiting our way to empathy
It is my experience that no matter how much I try to stay spiritually centered and only have loving thoughts and behavior, sometimes I feel as if I have just had it with life’s little lessons. At that moment I may “notice” faults or aggravating habits of others. If not very careful, I then verbally vomit on my co-workers, friends, partner, the store clerk or whomever is near by reminding them of their aggravating habits and faults. Of course, later I always realize that my frustration had nothing to do with the other person. I now need to apologize. What sometimes happens is that the other person has also had it and then they dump their frustration out on me. I am now feel justified in dumping my frustration on them which in turn …
A variety of stressors can accumulate and lead up to this point or there may be one major stress such as the death of a beloved family pet, the ongoing addictive behavior of a child or other family member, losing a job, a major move or some combination of events.. Often stressors affects our sleep habits, appetite or other aspects of our health. We may be tempted to use alcohol or some other recreational drug to calm us which can just result in the brain focusing more on negatives – not being able to balance negatives with positives.
When I dump on the other person I refer to it as a verbal vomit. Sounds ugly! Right? It is ugly. VV – verbal vomiting - on another person does not improve the relationship and, in fact, can cause a lot of damage. Often we are vomiting on the other person at a time when both of us most need the support of each other. We need each other to be empathic of what each of us is experiencing.
I advise myself and other people to:
· Practice labeling that buildup of frustration as the need to vomit. As soon as we do this we know that we are not, at that moment, able to problem solve or be our kind, spiritually evolved self.
· Share the need to vomit with another person with whom you have previously reached an agreement to do so. This can be shared in an email or a text, a letter, or sometimes a phone call. It is important to be sure that it is clear that the need is to vomit. The other person now knows that we are not wanting to dump on them but with them. It is also important to be clear that we are to wanting advice or any other feedback at that time. It seems to often help to have someone supportively/empathetically listen.
· If sharing with another who has agreed to do so is not possible or desirable, then one may write a letter which one then shreds but does not send. One may also just journal, but again I advise that one tear out the page(s) and shred, burn or otherwise destroy.
· If there is a safe place to do so, one may scream and shout but not at another person or even the dog, break a set of used dishes one has bought and saved just for that purpose, paint, sculpt or just scribble with crayons. Of course breaking things such as dishes can be dangerous and may not always be a wise choice. A friend of mine who lives near a very active and noisy ocean goes to the beach and screams. No one can hear her. I sometime like to bake bread. I love the fact that I can put a lot of negative energy into kneading the bread and then it turns into something nurturing.
The main point is that there is no right way to do this as long as we are not hurting ourselves and someone else. Once we have this buildup of bile out of our system, we can do something nice for ourselves and the other person without having any additional emotional garbage to clean up. We are also then, if needed, ready to problem solve.
Of course it would be lovely if we were always our most loving, empathic selves but unless you are much different than I this is not going to happen. Our style may be to keep all that bile to ourselves, but even that style of handling it will keep us from being empathetic. The negative energy will not allow us to be close. As I have previously mentioned, negative energy is an actual physical shield of energy which keeps us from being present to ourselves or other people.
Those involved in the 12-step recovery programs such as AA, OA or NA, are told about the dangers of HALT - hungry, angry, lonely, tired. One learns to begin to notice when is getting grumpy - finding fault with people, places or things - and to ask oneself if one might be experiencing HALT. Just tonight, after driving all day and not stopping for lunch, I arrived at the hotel hungry, tired, and feeling alone. I had spent the entirety alone. I had intended to stop a couple of times to rest and stretch as well as stop to eat lunch. The trip turned out to be much longer than google said it would be. I had promised to meet with someone and I did not want to reschedule for later that evening. Of course, I know better than to put myself into this state, but at least I anticipated being in HALT. Once I got something to eat and cleaned up a bit, I felt better and I could laugh at myself. There was a time when I would not have had any clue about HALT and would have continued to find fault with whomever or whatever I encountered.
I know myself well enough to recognize that I only get grumpy when I am very stressed. I also now know what counts as a stressor. This helps a lot. I quickly recognize grumpy and label it as such, I may still need to verbally vomit occasionally, but often just by recognizing what is happening I can use other techniques just a yoga, taking a break or some other technique to destress myself.
Written June 8, 2016
It is my experience that no matter how much I try to stay spiritually centered and only have loving thoughts and behavior, sometimes I feel as if I have just had it with life’s little lessons. At that moment I may “notice” faults or aggravating habits of others. If not very careful, I then verbally vomit on my co-workers, friends, partner, the store clerk or whomever is near by reminding them of their aggravating habits and faults. Of course, later I always realize that my frustration had nothing to do with the other person. I now need to apologize. What sometimes happens is that the other person has also had it and then they dump their frustration out on me. I am now feel justified in dumping my frustration on them which in turn …
A variety of stressors can accumulate and lead up to this point or there may be one major stress such as the death of a beloved family pet, the ongoing addictive behavior of a child or other family member, losing a job, a major move or some combination of events.. Often stressors affects our sleep habits, appetite or other aspects of our health. We may be tempted to use alcohol or some other recreational drug to calm us which can just result in the brain focusing more on negatives – not being able to balance negatives with positives.
When I dump on the other person I refer to it as a verbal vomit. Sounds ugly! Right? It is ugly. VV – verbal vomiting - on another person does not improve the relationship and, in fact, can cause a lot of damage. Often we are vomiting on the other person at a time when both of us most need the support of each other. We need each other to be empathic of what each of us is experiencing.
I advise myself and other people to:
· Practice labeling that buildup of frustration as the need to vomit. As soon as we do this we know that we are not, at that moment, able to problem solve or be our kind, spiritually evolved self.
· Share the need to vomit with another person with whom you have previously reached an agreement to do so. This can be shared in an email or a text, a letter, or sometimes a phone call. It is important to be sure that it is clear that the need is to vomit. The other person now knows that we are not wanting to dump on them but with them. It is also important to be clear that we are to wanting advice or any other feedback at that time. It seems to often help to have someone supportively/empathetically listen.
· If sharing with another who has agreed to do so is not possible or desirable, then one may write a letter which one then shreds but does not send. One may also just journal, but again I advise that one tear out the page(s) and shred, burn or otherwise destroy.
· If there is a safe place to do so, one may scream and shout but not at another person or even the dog, break a set of used dishes one has bought and saved just for that purpose, paint, sculpt or just scribble with crayons. Of course breaking things such as dishes can be dangerous and may not always be a wise choice. A friend of mine who lives near a very active and noisy ocean goes to the beach and screams. No one can hear her. I sometime like to bake bread. I love the fact that I can put a lot of negative energy into kneading the bread and then it turns into something nurturing.
The main point is that there is no right way to do this as long as we are not hurting ourselves and someone else. Once we have this buildup of bile out of our system, we can do something nice for ourselves and the other person without having any additional emotional garbage to clean up. We are also then, if needed, ready to problem solve.
Of course it would be lovely if we were always our most loving, empathic selves but unless you are much different than I this is not going to happen. Our style may be to keep all that bile to ourselves, but even that style of handling it will keep us from being empathetic. The negative energy will not allow us to be close. As I have previously mentioned, negative energy is an actual physical shield of energy which keeps us from being present to ourselves or other people.
Those involved in the 12-step recovery programs such as AA, OA or NA, are told about the dangers of HALT - hungry, angry, lonely, tired. One learns to begin to notice when is getting grumpy - finding fault with people, places or things - and to ask oneself if one might be experiencing HALT. Just tonight, after driving all day and not stopping for lunch, I arrived at the hotel hungry, tired, and feeling alone. I had spent the entirety alone. I had intended to stop a couple of times to rest and stretch as well as stop to eat lunch. The trip turned out to be much longer than google said it would be. I had promised to meet with someone and I did not want to reschedule for later that evening. Of course, I know better than to put myself into this state, but at least I anticipated being in HALT. Once I got something to eat and cleaned up a bit, I felt better and I could laugh at myself. There was a time when I would not have had any clue about HALT and would have continued to find fault with whomever or whatever I encountered.
I know myself well enough to recognize that I only get grumpy when I am very stressed. I also now know what counts as a stressor. This helps a lot. I quickly recognize grumpy and label it as such, I may still need to verbally vomit occasionally, but often just by recognizing what is happening I can use other techniques just a yoga, taking a break or some other technique to destress myself.
Written June 8, 2016
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