Vulnerability and masculinity
I titled this vulnerability and masculinity because I am, as a male, particularly aware of the confusing messages we often give to our male children about what it means to be a strong person who happens to be male. Women deal with a similar issue, although the specifics of the messages may be a little different. In each case, the paradox is that we often learn to discount what makes us strong. My personal experience as a male who happens to be a father, brother, son, nephew, friend, community member and health care professional tells me the following about strength:
Strength is not:
As a person who happens to be male, who happens to live in the United States, who happens to be older, who happens to identify as gay, who happens to be human, I must set aside my old beliefs about what it means to claim the strength to be a man of whom I can be proud. How I live my life is the legacy I leave my son and all those whose lives I touch today.
Written November 8, 2018
I titled this vulnerability and masculinity because I am, as a male, particularly aware of the confusing messages we often give to our male children about what it means to be a strong person who happens to be male. Women deal with a similar issue, although the specifics of the messages may be a little different. In each case, the paradox is that we often learn to discount what makes us strong. My personal experience as a male who happens to be a father, brother, son, nephew, friend, community member and health care professional tells me the following about strength:
- Although it can also be a physical ability, the most important strength comes from our heart and the courage to speak our own truth.
- It allows for vulnerability. Withholding tears and expressions of empathy use up energy that is then not available to deal with life on life terms.
- It is empathetic – identifies with the joy and pain of others – identifies with the other that is us.
- It allows one to share the pain of another without taking on their pain.
- It accepts our humanness and is willing to own our hurtful behavior and, when possible, make amends.
- It allows us to own our pain when it is triggered by behavior of another.
Strength is not:
- Assuming responsibility for the problems or issues of others.
- Assuming we can control or “fix” others.
- Reinforcing the lies that we or others are weak or unable to do the next right thing.
- Feeling better about ourselves at the expense of others.
- Bullying or putting down others
- Hateful or judgmental.
- Having more toys – money, houses, cars, the latest gaggets.
- Having more external power - political, professional, physical
- Having a spouse or partner which proves our worth because of their appearance, status, money or other stuff!
- Proving that we are “right”.
- Looking “better” – more plastic surgery, more expensive clothes, a good tan, the right hairpiece or whatever else a particular culture associates with looking better.
- Assuming that family is necessarily related to biology or marriage.
- Being dependent on what “others” think of us or how others define us.
- Defining us by the worse of our deeds.
- Isolating; does not see everyone as the enemy or “the other” .
As a person who happens to be male, who happens to live in the United States, who happens to be older, who happens to identify as gay, who happens to be human, I must set aside my old beliefs about what it means to claim the strength to be a man of whom I can be proud. How I live my life is the legacy I leave my son and all those whose lives I touch today.
Written November 8, 2018
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