What if love is enough?
Not infrequently, others will complain to me that they love so and so and if so and if so and so really loved them then a way would be found to be together. Often, however, prior commitment including marriages and children, and other family responsibilities prevent them from being together. I may then suggest that although love is a necessary condition for a committed romantic partnership it is not sufficient. Many other facts have to be taken into account. On the other hand, I often hear myself saying that in this brief life journey the most important act we can perform is to show up with love. Life, after all, is just a few minutes long and the only permanent thing we can leave behind is energy. Whether we call this energy our soul or our essence if that energy is comprised of hate, resentments, jealously, envy or other negative emotions then our legacy will be an ongoing chain of pain. If, on the other hand, that energy is comprised of love then our legacy will an ongoing chain of love.
The challenge sounds simple. We merely have to show up and in the midst of going about the daily business of living we unconditionally love ourselves and others. Yet, as some would point out, even great spiritual teachers get angry at times and are anything but loving. Yet, those same teachers seem to accept responsibility for their anger and failure to love and then get back on track. They may need some time to let go of the anger, but without labeling the anger as good or bad they are able let it go and move on.
Most of us, including this human, continue to love with expectations. “I will love you as long as you do X or behave in Y manner. I will love you as long as you love me back. I will love you if you are a Christian or Buddhist or Muslim or Hindu or Hira Kristna. I will love you if you are in recovery. I will love you if you treat me with respect. I will love you if ….” In other words, it is easy to make our love conditional on whether others are behaving in a way which is consistent with our expectations or if others are loving us in the way that we think that they should. Yet, many spiritual teachers including Buddha and Jesus challenge us to love no matter how others are treating us. Jesus may have gotten mad about the money changes and had a brief fit of anger. He may, at times, have gotten frustrated with the disciples. Yet, in the end, whether he was with the disciples, the prostitutes and seeing Judas following the betrayal, he offered his love. When he decided to love, it was with full knowledge that humans were, well, human. Our behavior can be petty, mean and even vicious. We can do horrible harm to others. Some of us murder others in cold blood, treat some as objects meant to service us, drop bombs, rape and engage in mass shootings. We often treat things or substances with more reverence than we do other humans. In short we do everything we can to keep the sacred part of us distant from ourselves and others.
If one goes to a 12-step recovery meeting such as AA, NA,SA, MA, GA, or OA one will find those who when caught in the grips of their addiction treated many others or most others with extreme cruelty. Yet, in recovery programs one then hears some of them talking about learning to love themselves and others.
If one attends some religious services one may hear a pastor talking about his or her life of self-centered, cruel addiction or some other dis ease prior to them finding a place in a particular church or religion. Without exception, everyone who has turned their life around in a positive way has done so because they finally felt love and as if they might be worth loving. They will say that they finally felt welcome or as if they have come home.
Does this mean that everyone to whom we extend love will be able to allow themselves to trust that love and to love in return? Certainly, not. Sadly, many people will die believing that their cruel behavior is justified or necessary. Many will be unable to accept love or act lovingly in return.
When we love unconditionally we never know if anyone will be able to receive that love or will respond with fear, hate and even violence. That is not our concern. The only thing over which we have control is our own integrity – our own sense of peace – when we have the courage to love unconditionally without any demands or expectations.
This is both the promise and the gift of spiritual growth. We no longer have to be angry, disappointed, resentful or judgmental. The behavior of others is not our concern. To be sure it feels good when we receive love in return. Yet, that is not our goal.
I am not suggesting that in this life journey I or anyone I know will reach this state of perfection. Every day I fall short of loving without expectations. Yet, I know that all I have to do is to notice my expectations without judging them, breathe, smile and let go. It really is as simple as that. No matter that I have to do this exercise 10, 20 or 100 times a day. My happiness/contentment/inner peace is not dependent on what others do or do not do. That is my power. That is the power of the paradox of surrendering to my powerlessness over other people, places and things.
Written October 10, 2017
Not infrequently, others will complain to me that they love so and so and if so and if so and so really loved them then a way would be found to be together. Often, however, prior commitment including marriages and children, and other family responsibilities prevent them from being together. I may then suggest that although love is a necessary condition for a committed romantic partnership it is not sufficient. Many other facts have to be taken into account. On the other hand, I often hear myself saying that in this brief life journey the most important act we can perform is to show up with love. Life, after all, is just a few minutes long and the only permanent thing we can leave behind is energy. Whether we call this energy our soul or our essence if that energy is comprised of hate, resentments, jealously, envy or other negative emotions then our legacy will be an ongoing chain of pain. If, on the other hand, that energy is comprised of love then our legacy will an ongoing chain of love.
The challenge sounds simple. We merely have to show up and in the midst of going about the daily business of living we unconditionally love ourselves and others. Yet, as some would point out, even great spiritual teachers get angry at times and are anything but loving. Yet, those same teachers seem to accept responsibility for their anger and failure to love and then get back on track. They may need some time to let go of the anger, but without labeling the anger as good or bad they are able let it go and move on.
Most of us, including this human, continue to love with expectations. “I will love you as long as you do X or behave in Y manner. I will love you as long as you love me back. I will love you if you are a Christian or Buddhist or Muslim or Hindu or Hira Kristna. I will love you if you are in recovery. I will love you if you treat me with respect. I will love you if ….” In other words, it is easy to make our love conditional on whether others are behaving in a way which is consistent with our expectations or if others are loving us in the way that we think that they should. Yet, many spiritual teachers including Buddha and Jesus challenge us to love no matter how others are treating us. Jesus may have gotten mad about the money changes and had a brief fit of anger. He may, at times, have gotten frustrated with the disciples. Yet, in the end, whether he was with the disciples, the prostitutes and seeing Judas following the betrayal, he offered his love. When he decided to love, it was with full knowledge that humans were, well, human. Our behavior can be petty, mean and even vicious. We can do horrible harm to others. Some of us murder others in cold blood, treat some as objects meant to service us, drop bombs, rape and engage in mass shootings. We often treat things or substances with more reverence than we do other humans. In short we do everything we can to keep the sacred part of us distant from ourselves and others.
If one goes to a 12-step recovery meeting such as AA, NA,SA, MA, GA, or OA one will find those who when caught in the grips of their addiction treated many others or most others with extreme cruelty. Yet, in recovery programs one then hears some of them talking about learning to love themselves and others.
If one attends some religious services one may hear a pastor talking about his or her life of self-centered, cruel addiction or some other dis ease prior to them finding a place in a particular church or religion. Without exception, everyone who has turned their life around in a positive way has done so because they finally felt love and as if they might be worth loving. They will say that they finally felt welcome or as if they have come home.
Does this mean that everyone to whom we extend love will be able to allow themselves to trust that love and to love in return? Certainly, not. Sadly, many people will die believing that their cruel behavior is justified or necessary. Many will be unable to accept love or act lovingly in return.
When we love unconditionally we never know if anyone will be able to receive that love or will respond with fear, hate and even violence. That is not our concern. The only thing over which we have control is our own integrity – our own sense of peace – when we have the courage to love unconditionally without any demands or expectations.
This is both the promise and the gift of spiritual growth. We no longer have to be angry, disappointed, resentful or judgmental. The behavior of others is not our concern. To be sure it feels good when we receive love in return. Yet, that is not our goal.
I am not suggesting that in this life journey I or anyone I know will reach this state of perfection. Every day I fall short of loving without expectations. Yet, I know that all I have to do is to notice my expectations without judging them, breathe, smile and let go. It really is as simple as that. No matter that I have to do this exercise 10, 20 or 100 times a day. My happiness/contentment/inner peace is not dependent on what others do or do not do. That is my power. That is the power of the paradox of surrendering to my powerlessness over other people, places and things.
Written October 10, 2017
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