What size are your shoes?
I was listening to a report of the reaction to a recent book this morning and reminded of the risks in attempting to walk in the shoes of another. Several things may happen as a result of this attempt:
Anytime any of us publicly share thoughts or feelings about issues which have resulted in pain for some, we should be prepared for these possible responses. If we take the responses of others personally our efforts will not result in an honest, open dialogue. I appreciate the fact that this can be tough, especially when one’s integrity, intelligence and basic worth may be attacked as a way to deflect a tough look at the issue.
Clearly, we all need to begin with the admission that one cannot literally walk in the shoes of another; one cannot pretend to understand or experience the nuances of all the factors which affected the journey of another.
For many a lifetime of not being truly heard will ensure that they are leery of anyone who is brave enough to suggest that they can or will.
Yet, the bottom line is that if we are to create a more just and loving world we must begin to practice listening until we find that common ground of shared reality. Most of us will find that we have more in common than we do differences. For example, the 1 % parents feel the same grief that the poorest of parents feel when they lose a child to drug overdose. The 1% parents may have a less stressful time planning the funeral since they will not need to ask for help with financing it. The 1% may have some temporary relief from donating a library or some other monument to the memory of their deceased child, but at night when all the doors are closed there is still an empty bed and/or room. There is still the absence of shared laughter or even the comfort of the aliveness of a passionate argument. If we have not lost a child to addiction or some other tragedy we may want to avoid the loss of breath at the very thought but we know the fear of sending a child out to school by themselves or sending them off to fight in a faraway country,
Many of us know what it is like to be poor but not to travel thousands of miles from pain, misery and the false promise of home to risk being turned away at the border or told to wait in Mexico. Yet we parents know what it is to want at least a little of hope for our children.
We may have to allow for the possibility that our hope for our children is common ground. We may have to stretch our imaginations to think of leaving country, language, and culture to risk being treated like diseased cattle which has wandered over the border and has no value. We may have to reach deep to connect a shared experience of fear – no matter that the cause of our fear is not the same. Do we not all know fear?
We have to start somewhere and risk rejection, ridicule, and angry distain. We may have to sit with love as our willingness to walk through the fire with our brothers and sisters is tested.
No, I do not have the right shoes or the right size shoe to carry the pain you have to carry and, yet, I can listen as you share your pain. I can listen and claim common humanity and interdependence.
Written January 25, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
I was listening to a report of the reaction to a recent book this morning and reminded of the risks in attempting to walk in the shoes of another. Several things may happen as a result of this attempt:
- You will be criticized for thinking you could possibly understand and empathize with the experience of another. Some will say “How dare you presume to understand our experience??
- A few may applaud you for attempting to start an open, honest discussion which might lead to both sides being more open to hearing the other.
- A few might respectfully let you know what you seem to understand you did not.
Anytime any of us publicly share thoughts or feelings about issues which have resulted in pain for some, we should be prepared for these possible responses. If we take the responses of others personally our efforts will not result in an honest, open dialogue. I appreciate the fact that this can be tough, especially when one’s integrity, intelligence and basic worth may be attacked as a way to deflect a tough look at the issue.
Clearly, we all need to begin with the admission that one cannot literally walk in the shoes of another; one cannot pretend to understand or experience the nuances of all the factors which affected the journey of another.
For many a lifetime of not being truly heard will ensure that they are leery of anyone who is brave enough to suggest that they can or will.
Yet, the bottom line is that if we are to create a more just and loving world we must begin to practice listening until we find that common ground of shared reality. Most of us will find that we have more in common than we do differences. For example, the 1 % parents feel the same grief that the poorest of parents feel when they lose a child to drug overdose. The 1% parents may have a less stressful time planning the funeral since they will not need to ask for help with financing it. The 1% may have some temporary relief from donating a library or some other monument to the memory of their deceased child, but at night when all the doors are closed there is still an empty bed and/or room. There is still the absence of shared laughter or even the comfort of the aliveness of a passionate argument. If we have not lost a child to addiction or some other tragedy we may want to avoid the loss of breath at the very thought but we know the fear of sending a child out to school by themselves or sending them off to fight in a faraway country,
Many of us know what it is like to be poor but not to travel thousands of miles from pain, misery and the false promise of home to risk being turned away at the border or told to wait in Mexico. Yet we parents know what it is to want at least a little of hope for our children.
We may have to allow for the possibility that our hope for our children is common ground. We may have to stretch our imaginations to think of leaving country, language, and culture to risk being treated like diseased cattle which has wandered over the border and has no value. We may have to reach deep to connect a shared experience of fear – no matter that the cause of our fear is not the same. Do we not all know fear?
We have to start somewhere and risk rejection, ridicule, and angry distain. We may have to sit with love as our willingness to walk through the fire with our brothers and sisters is tested.
No, I do not have the right shoes or the right size shoe to carry the pain you have to carry and, yet, I can listen as you share your pain. I can listen and claim common humanity and interdependence.
Written January 25, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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